I Haven't Arrived Yet

I haven't arrived yet.

I realized that today. The word "journey" is way over-used, but I'm going to use it. I haven't arrived on my journey. I don't know if you ever do, really, with substantial weight loss. It's an ongoing thing. Maybe if you've maintained for years, and realize that your choices have simply become who you are and a way of life?

I was posting a message on a weight loss site, it was asking about your "wow" moment. I read through the responses, and then typed out this:

I don't think I've had one yet. Not really. I have little moments of joy, but I think my wow moments are yet to come.
I'm SO excited to hit my 100 pounds lost mark.I'm SO excited to get out of the clothes I'm wearing and into a new size.I'm SO excited to have my kids be proud of me, to see what I can accomplish.
I'm on my way, but I don't think I've arrived yet. 

I have a destination, but it doesn't really have a number. It has some numbers on the way, but not really one to end with.

I feel like I need to be below 230 for sure. I just don't know how far below. I've always felt rather decently when I hovered around 210 - 220 before. Remember - everyone is different. Some people feel like a whale at that weight. I didn't. Some people feel like a whale at 250, and I feel like I have a new lease on life. Who knows what another 30 - 40 pounds would feel like to me?

There's surprises along the way of any road traveled - any journey to a destination. You stop and see the sights, but you know that you're not there yet. You're still on the road. Most people have a specific end, a destination. Mine is more vague, not a specific number. I know how far I want to go - just not where I want to be after I've gone that far. I know what state I want to be in, but not which city - liken it to that.

I want to feel good in my own skin. 
I want to be able to do whatever I want physically (sports, etc.) and feel healthy.
I want clothes to fit nicely.
I want people to be able to visibly see I've lost weight.
I want to feel like I've lost weight (already accomplished).
I want to be healthy (somewhat accomplished).
I want to be able to nourish my body without extremely starving/depriving myself.

I know that my idea of a comfortable weight isn't going to be the standard medical field's idea. I think my ideal weight is 135 or something, and I know that it would kill me to try to maintain that sort of weight. Unless I somehow magically became a super-active runner who enjoyed it so much that I was constantly doing it, allowing me a much larger caloric allotment - otherwise, it ain't happenin'. I think my body would really fight me on that. I've never been skinny.

My lowest weight I can remember is 140-something when I was a teenager. My mom thought I was anorexic. I was just smoking cigarettes and barely eating, and was a teenager (even though my metabolism was sluggy then). It didn't last long. I settled in around 180ish, I think for quite some time, then found a new home in the 200s.

180? 200? 220?

Who knows. I hope I do when I get there.


On another note, all of my summer clothes that I was bursting out of last year - they all fit, and some of them are LOOSE


Lori said...

Your head is obviously in the right place. That is the biggest part of the battle. You'll get to your destination if you keep your head in the game like it is now.

Mrs Swan said...

I feel you on the not knowing what size thing. My original goal was 180 as I know I fit into 16's then. Now I think I want my lowest adult weight which was 155. That will still put me over as like you 135 is my ideal.