I know I've said before that I struggle with depression. On the whole I am a more negative (says my husband, I say I am realistic) person. The times in my life where I've conditioned myself to seek out the positive, I've felt better.
But it doesn't come naturally.
I've made it a more consistant part of my life, but it isn't me, or my norm.
This morning it is muggy. Wet, miserable. Not a "beautiful day" weather-wise. I feel a cloud over my head - nothing pertaining to the weather, it is more pertaining to my life. The passage of time that I can't stop. Yesterday we had a graduation. As much as it is a small thing, my emotions feel it as something large. It's a last. It is an ending to another chapter in my kid's life - and probably more to the core - in my own life.
There's an optimist in me that buds and smiles, and sees the moment for what it is - a blessing. A fortunate event that not everyone gets. But there's the core me - or the shell of me, I don't know - that hungers for time to slow down. That looks at where I thought I'd be this time in my life and realizes I'm not there.
So it hovers, hides, suprises me when I least expect it.
Waking up. Checking email. Making breakfast and realizing the ice machine is jammed. The words that came out of my mouth were of irritation beyond an ice machine being jammed.
Frustrated, sad, mourning, scared. Feeling a loss of control.
Lori wrote in my comments:
The problem is trying to figure out how to work our plans in the midst of the chaos. I am coming to believe that is what it takes to keep it off, the figuring out how to lose in real life.Couldn't be truer. How do I work my plans when my head is telling me my problems are so big (even if they aren't - or are)?
Celebrations bring on emotions - good and bad. I want to drink, I want to eat - I want to celebrate with food.
Sadness - food, drink.
Fear - food, drink.
Anger - drink, food.
Yesterday I did OK. We were invited out to drinks, but I declined. I wanted to, I did. But I declined. Instead we ended up going somewhere with just our own family unit and eating. It wasn't where I wanted to go. I was a bit angry because the menu doesn't lend itself to what I've been eating. There's anger again. Frustration. But I ordered a salad and made a go of it.
Then my husband kept asking me to go out with him, go for a drink, or a dinner. It frustrates me, too. Drinks, dinner - calories, more food choices. Right now I want less food choices.
The other day I was reading a post over at 300 Pounds Down about Sugar, Food Addiction, and Gaining Control Over Food. It's a long post. But if you read farther down, she talked about how she goes on a 1-week shake "fast" of sorts. She calls it a "detox." At any rate, she drinks shakes - lots of them.
The less time you spend thinking about food–the better. You want your focus OFF the food not on it. The more you think about it, plan it, talk about it….the worse it becomes.Makes sense to me. That is often part of my problem. The having to think, to plan, to strategize. If I start getting fatigued, I start talking myself out of it. Pushing myself to take the easier route. Sometimes I just need to NOT THINK ABOUT FOOD.
I knew it would be a heart-heavy week, and I have enlisted on my own shakes:
1 Scoop Jay Robb Egg White Protein Vanilla
5g Coco Powder
1 cup Almond Coconut Milk (unsweetened)
That's the base. I'll add some heavy whipping cream, avocado, or peanut butter to it for some fat.
I've drank one of those 2 times a day, instead of food or snack. It's a no-brainer. It tastes fine. It helps me avoid thinking, but it still supplies me with calories so I'm not at a huge deficit.
The hard thing is I can't take it to work, so I'll probably have to grab some pre-made shakes. It isn't ideal or anything, but it's what I need right now to stay afloat.
I still have to cook for my family, which isn't easy, but I am blessed to have them - which is a better way of looking at it. Some day they will be grown and gone on to their own families, and I will miss this meal planning, shopping. I know I will. I do already and it hasn't happened yet.
Would you believe it if I told you I was 251.2?!
I hardly do. Maybe it is the shakes from this week? That's only two days. I don't know. I went to the gym, though. I'm curious to see what it might be next week if I can stay the course.