It Must Be Nice To Be Thin And Beautiful

I know I already wrote an entry today. But I have two things to say.

One, I'm just going to put this out there. I can never purchase these Russel Stover Sugar Free Caramel & Crispies ever again. I mean, maybe in emergencies. But the last 2 times I have I've eaten the entire bag in one sitting. The truth of that led me to feeling guilty, which led me to Facebook, which led me to feeling even worse about myself.

Which leads me to my second point. Some people are literally just freaking blessed. Some days I get so frustrated. Like an addict born into a life of pain and constant avoidance. It must be really nice to be thin, and just to have been that way. To slip on a bathing suit and not have to worry about stretch marks, saggy skin, and everything else that comes along with being a lard-o for years. 

To not have to think about food all the time. To eat and enjoy in moderation because you just don't crave it. To be someone that doesn't overdo it constantly, or have to think ahead, plan your meals, count your calories, and say, "no thank you" every second of the day.

It's not just that I'm fat. I'm fat and have issues surrounding it. I have cravings that are akin being a heroin addict, I'm guessing. Although it's easier to attain my drug. I just have to walk 10 feet into the kitchen. I'm forced to cook it, think about it, make it, buy it - on a daily basis.

While I'm having this pity party, I'll take a cherry on top of my sundae. 

I'm good with things. It's something I can't change, but I can manage.

But, really - I hate it. My eating, food, avoidance of food, body issues, body thoughts, jealousies of others - it follows me in a constant manner. It is the thorn in my side that God gave me. I can't imagine how free it would be to not have it. Like someone who was lame their who life and given two healthy legs. Or a blind person who could suddenly see.

That is how being free would feel. I really can't imagine it. I can't imagine how it feels to run around in a bikini and not think about it. To wear short shorts and sleeveless shirts and not think about it. My upper thighs and arms are fleshy, saggy and hideous. No matter what weight I get to, I'll never know that freedom or that comfort.

I'm just making myself angry. But sometimes I really feel cursed.

Steady Goes The Girl

Still the same, 272.
It said 274 on Monday and that scared me a bit. But, I know that I often allow myself to weigh in on Monday and Wednesday. Weight can fluctuate.

Regardless of what the scale says (whoops I typed "scare" instead of "scale" at first, haha), I don't feel so great. It might be hormones since it was that TOTM last week. Or hormonal release, I don't know for sure.

I've been eating OK. After Monday's shocker, I forced myself to stay w/in my calories for the 2 days between and I did. It isn't always easy. Last night I just brushed my teeth and went to bed. No seconds, though my habits wanted me to dig in for more... for something.

I realize having chocolate around, or some sweet is a good thing for me. I like my treat. If I can have a chocolate square, I can be OK.

I started incorporating walks again. For a while I wasn't, but I need them. I am just looking at a minimum of 3x per week. I don't want to overdo it on myself, but my body craves the movement, it isn't bad for me, and I'm setting a pretty low bar.

I also reallyreally want to lose this next 10 pounds. I want to get below 270 so freaking bad. I want to hit the 259 mark incredibly bad. I haven't been there in a long, long time.

My clothes are still comfortable, but not loose. That's another non-scale goal for me. I want to need some new clothing. I'm not there yet, though.

I'm going slow and steady, but I'm still going steady. I'd love to say that through spring, through summer, and back into fall and winter again. That's something else I haven't done - stay with it for the long haul. I need to do this for myself.

I need to prove to myself that I can break my own barrier and get out of those 260s for once and for all. I might even be satisfied with that in itself, I don't really know right now.

My roadblocks are stress and fear.

Stress and needing the "easier" route. And fear of a saggy-skinned stomach, not being able to do anything about it (surgery), and having it flopping around, impeding my daily life and fitness goals.

That is one of my other challenges to myself: call my insurance, see if they cover such a thing. I know it is a weird fear to have, but if I know what I'm up against, then I can figure my way around it. I have to admit to myself that wearing a skin apron isn't necessarily going to be my future, if I continue to lose weight.

I don't want surgery. I fear surgery. But I also fear having this skin hanging to my knees. It makes me want to cry thinking about it.