Hot Mess Feeling Very Alone

I'm pretty sure it's hormonal, but there's just no way to say. I've not been doing well lately. Not with anything. Mainly it stems from my emotions. I just flat out haven't been feeling well. Overwhelmed emotionally and life-wise.

Too much.

There's always too much.

I've been going through a battery of medical tests - OK not a "battery" but the basics, really. I went to the Endo, and my thyroid tests were off, as well as my prolactin. The second result showed my prolactin was fine, but my thyroid was still a bit abnormal. I'm to retest again in 2 months.

That's all fine and dandy, but it makes me wonder a bit if the results were high (prolactin) because I was pre-menstrual. And if that happens every month, couldn't that be part of my PMS? I asked this and she replied that it was from direct nipple stimulation. I told her I hadn't done that, and she replied that it was was it was from. I asserted that I had not done that, and she threw her hands up.

A five minute google search will tell you:

Some woman with PMS have elevated prolactin levels, [6]while others appear to be over sensitive to normal levels.  (site)

Hmm. I understand medicine is always changing, and it's hard to keep on top of it - but it pisses me off when doctors - especially a SPECIALIST - rakes in gobs of money to sit on their hands and give flippant answers to their patients.

I go in waves of feeling better, doing well, and then I feel like I hit rock bottom again and I want to go crawl into a ball at my doctor's feet. But nothing seems to help this (depression/anxiety). I go on a pill and it helps for a while, and then it doesn't - or I gain weight, which is almost as bad as being depressed.

The PMS stuff is really starting to kill me. I feel awful, murderous, and so completely SAD. If it lands at a time where I'm paying bills, or have conflict in my family it feels so oppressive I can't even explain it. I play The Listener to all my friends, and don't really have a single one that I can call and have listen to me. Isn't that sad? My husband listens, to an extent - but then his answer is, "The doctor said your tests are fine - what do you want, something to be wrong?"

He doesn't get it. He's not ever been depressed or had anxiety and I'm not all trying to act like woe is me and my life-is-the-hardest-of-them-all-contest, but I just wish someone understood, or listened, or supported. I feel very alone.

He tries.

I try.

I just want to make it through this month and hold it together. That sounds awful, but I do think the kids being back in school will help.

I really hate this. I do. I wish I could change it. I must be a miserable mom, wife, and blogger who is so whiny and unhappy at times.

I wish I could change. I feel like a waste of space sometimes. I know I'm not - but that's what my head tells me in times like these. It is humbling. If I were a completely happy person I would probably be even more sickening to be around.

Right now on the tip of my head is a family member who struggles with mental health AODA issues, and some strife between us. I'm longing for a relationship that isn't there, and it really truly kills me at times. It's been a very long, difficult road with this person, and it's left a black charred scar right on my heart.

As crappy as I feel, I want to leave with a bit of joy rather than sadness. I'll list 5 good things:

1.  Pumpkin pudding.
2.  Cooler weather.
3.  My smartphone. It's fun.
4.  Backyard fires.
5.  A quiet house (not all the time, just sometimes).