I'm Not Cut Out For Full-time Work

I'm conscious of where I'm at. If I weren't, I think I'd be back where I started.

But I'm about 10 pounds back up from where I figure my "good weight" is (260).

I'm 20 pounds up from where I was, though.

It's hard to accept that my focus has gone in other places, and my health takes a back seat. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around it. I don't know how long it takes to adjust to a new job? For me? Probably forever.

I'm a complicated person. I realize this. I feel like I have personal stuff to get in order, but life keeps happening, so personal stuff doesn't get in order.

But maybe it never does.

So, my new job - I have a love/hate relationship with it. Fancy that!!! Me?! Yes.

I love the work, the feeling of helping people, being helpful, and being in my element. But I hate that it consumes my life, and that my world, 80% of it, all revolves around WORK.

From 5am, to 5pm it's work. I'm either there, or planning to be there.

Get up, get ready, go, work, come home, unpack, pack for the next day, lay out clothes, try to come down from the day.

REPEAT.

It's taken its toll on me, and I'm miserable.

It's a weird misery.

I feel useful and valuable (at work), but I'm worthless in the areas that are important to me (my home life).

The most important - to me - is the home life.

I can be replaced at work. I can't be replaced at home.

I only have a few years until my kids are all out of the house. Though they need me less than they used to, they don't need me tired, ornery, and useless.

I feel caught. I've got a fantastic job (I really do - I landed a job in my niche with a great company), which is why I didn't turn it down. But it was more than I wanted - which is why I'm regretting it.

I pray that it's not all for naught, and that God will send something my way. I really do. I don't care about how hokey that sounds. I'm hanging on by a thread daily. I feel regret, embarrassment, fear, when I think of moving on from this position. But I also feel trapped by where I am.

I don't want this to be me.  I want to continue taking care of myself and the people around me. I want to figure things out. I'm 40. I'm on the top of the hill riding down and I don't think I'll have myself or the world figured out in the next 20 years, but I dn't want to look back and wonder where they all went, either.

Help Me Through This Week

Each week presents its own challenge. This one is moving my kid back to college.
School shopping.

Emotions. That's what it is.

I don't mind the kids going back to school, but I also love having my kids around. I'm not excited about my college-aged kid leaving again, because I know that some day he'll be out on his own and I won't have him here eating dinners, taking showers, sleeping under the same roof as us. I know that will be true eventually for all of them, and I'm not looking forward to it. I really cherish these times.

This weekend we went to the park and just watched our big kids hang out with each other. If I could have stopped the world and hung out at that place in time for infinity, I'd be content.

Life is a racing train and there's times you want it to speed up, and others when you're hitting the brakes trying desperately to slow it down.


Emotions:
I'm doing better. I'm hanging in there. I'm not as sharp-edged, angry, quick-tempered as I was a week ago. I need to talk to my doctor about this PMS as soon as possible. It's so horrible. Awful. When I'm not feeling that way, I look back and kind of shudder at how horrible it feels.

Still, emotions are what often drives me. Drives my food/eating, my exercising or non-exercising.

Eating:
I've slacked off a lot. Not tracked my calories or water, not intentional exercised. This week I have to push myself to keep on track. To gain would make me miserable. I don't want that to happen. I've been keeping pretty low-carb and on track that way, but have let a few things pass my lips I shouldn't have - but I brought my own food to my girl's dinner, and didn't cheat there. Victory.

Drinking:
I also slipped and had a 1/2 a beer. It's been MONTHS since I've had a beer. But that 1/2 beer was enough. It was tasty, and then I moved on to my Zevia cola. I was happy about that. I made a point to myself NOT to be drinking - not to celebrate, and not to numb pain. Whatever I'm feeling, I want to feel. I had a few glasses of wine at my girls' dinner, so I really didn't need to be having anything again the next night.

Goals:
I don't have any lofty goals right now besides simply wanting to make it through the week with grace. I want to walk. I want to eat right. I want to keep my composure and not lose it when I drop my kid off at school. I want to not be nervous and anxious and worried.

I plan to read my Bible more this week and lean on that rather than my food and my drinks. I plan to focus on the blessings in front of me. I do have many.

Anyway, I'm OK. I'm hanging in there, and trying to refocus myself.  I'm not saying things have gone from crappy to perfect - but I'm trying to catch myself.

Balance

I'm doing a bit better. But my better still feels pretty nasty. Lori, your'e right - I need to talk to my doctor. I have a wonderful gynecologist, and that's where I'll go. Hopefully she has some advice. I don't want this part of me to be the part that sticks in my family's head.



I haven't been doing so well on the tracking of my foods, but I've been doing OK on keeping my steps above 5000. Right now that's an accomplishment for me.

After balancing the checkbook last night, though, I've had a pain in my chest that won't leave (not heart attack pain, but muscle tense). My head keeps going to the back to school bills that will be mounting soon. I can't even really think about it. I don't know what to do. A year ago I asked, begged my husband to take over the bill paying. I've done it since we've been married and I really need to not do it anymore. It causes me too much of an issue.

I wrote out the dates, websites, passwords, everything so he could pay them  - which he said he would.

I'm still paying the bills.

I hate it.

Did I say I hated it? I did? OK thanks.




One thing that doesn't help me in this weight loss (I say "loss" because I have more to lose, even though I don't seem to be doing that lately) is the tracking. It's time consuming. My mother always made recipes off of what she had in the kitchen - one of the ways she was frugal. I carried on that tradition with my own home - however it doesn't always lend itself to throwing the recipe in a calculator. Sometimes I don't have the time or desire. After a long day I don't want to have to sit down and hammer out what I can remember into a calculator and try to figure out what I've eaten. If that happens too many times a week, though, it could throw me off track.

I need to find a place that is livable, though. I'm not sure where that happy medium is right now. Not tracking I won't lose weight. Trying to track, though, drives me insane.

Hot Mess Feeling Very Alone

I'm pretty sure it's hormonal, but there's just no way to say. I've not been doing well lately. Not with anything. Mainly it stems from my emotions. I just flat out haven't been feeling well. Overwhelmed emotionally and life-wise.

Too much.

There's always too much.

I've been going through a battery of medical tests - OK not a "battery" but the basics, really. I went to the Endo, and my thyroid tests were off, as well as my prolactin. The second result showed my prolactin was fine, but my thyroid was still a bit abnormal. I'm to retest again in 2 months.

That's all fine and dandy, but it makes me wonder a bit if the results were high (prolactin) because I was pre-menstrual. And if that happens every month, couldn't that be part of my PMS? I asked this and she replied that it was from direct nipple stimulation. I told her I hadn't done that, and she replied that it was was it was from. I asserted that I had not done that, and she threw her hands up.

A five minute google search will tell you:

Some woman with PMS have elevated prolactin levels, [6]while others appear to be over sensitive to normal levels.  (site)

Hmm. I understand medicine is always changing, and it's hard to keep on top of it - but it pisses me off when doctors - especially a SPECIALIST - rakes in gobs of money to sit on their hands and give flippant answers to their patients.

I go in waves of feeling better, doing well, and then I feel like I hit rock bottom again and I want to go crawl into a ball at my doctor's feet. But nothing seems to help this (depression/anxiety). I go on a pill and it helps for a while, and then it doesn't - or I gain weight, which is almost as bad as being depressed.

The PMS stuff is really starting to kill me. I feel awful, murderous, and so completely SAD. If it lands at a time where I'm paying bills, or have conflict in my family it feels so oppressive I can't even explain it. I play The Listener to all my friends, and don't really have a single one that I can call and have listen to me. Isn't that sad? My husband listens, to an extent - but then his answer is, "The doctor said your tests are fine - what do you want, something to be wrong?"

He doesn't get it. He's not ever been depressed or had anxiety and I'm not all trying to act like woe is me and my life-is-the-hardest-of-them-all-contest, but I just wish someone understood, or listened, or supported. I feel very alone.

He tries.

I try.

I just want to make it through this month and hold it together. That sounds awful, but I do think the kids being back in school will help.

I really hate this. I do. I wish I could change it. I must be a miserable mom, wife, and blogger who is so whiny and unhappy at times.

I wish I could change. I feel like a waste of space sometimes. I know I'm not - but that's what my head tells me in times like these. It is humbling. If I were a completely happy person I would probably be even more sickening to be around.

Right now on the tip of my head is a family member who struggles with mental health AODA issues, and some strife between us. I'm longing for a relationship that isn't there, and it really truly kills me at times. It's been a very long, difficult road with this person, and it's left a black charred scar right on my heart.

As crappy as I feel, I want to leave with a bit of joy rather than sadness. I'll list 5 good things:

1.  Pumpkin pudding.
2.  Cooler weather.
3.  My smartphone. It's fun.
4.  Backyard fires.
5.  A quiet house (not all the time, just sometimes).

Weigh in: 252 I'm Spent, Tired, Fatigued

I went from 249 to 252.
And part of me doesn't even care.

I mean, I do. I want to lose. My goals are still downward. But.
I'm just tired right now. Fatigued mentally and physically. It's not depressed feelings it is overwhelmed, sick and tired feelings.

I'm going to vent a little. You can go away if you want. I understand.

I'm tired of doing everything. I've talked to my husband until I'm blue in the face about this, but the stress of handling all the bills, all the questions, answers, scheduling - EVERYTHING is slowly eating away at me killing me. I know why he's happy and carefree and I'm the one suffering from depression.

BECAUSE I HAVE TO PAY THE FREAKING BILLS!!!

It's like eating. You have to do it, so it makes you think about it, face it. You can't just ignore it. That would be too easy.

Each month I get to rub two pennies together to make a dime, rob Peter to pay Paul. That's enough. But beyond that I have to meal plan, shop, feed, thinkthinkthink. I'm fatigued, tired, spent. I do all of the thinking for our family. The disciplining, the planning, the organizing.

It's not fair. There are times I wish my depression would render me debilitated instead of functioning (not really obviously), and I wouldn't have to do it anymore. I feel like everyone thinks I'm strong and capable, so everyone just plants everything on my back, figuring I can hold it up.

I can, visibly. Invisibly, I'm breaking on the inside. Fractured, shattered, tiny fibers bursting and deteriorating. I can feel it - have felt it - over the last few years. It really sucks.

Anyway.

Last weekend we went on a trip, and this weekend we're going on a trip. What frustrates me is when I get asked why I'm so frazzled. My husband packs a bag for the trip. I pack everything else. I plan the food, make sure everyone has everything. He just goes and enjoys the trip.

I want to just go and enjoy a trip, for once in my life. I want to be the person that just packs her stuff and goes. Doesn't cook, prepare, think, clean, prep, check, write lists, shop, plan. Plan what to take with, plan what to leave behind for the family. Worry about our checkbook and what it is costing us.

This all probably makes no sense. But it does to me. It makes sense as to why I'm feeling like I'm feeling right now.

Resentful.

It's an ugly, ugly feeling.

------

My weight: I really have nothing much to say about that. It's bee a good but crappy week, and I don't suspect this weekend is going to be much better.

I'm waiting on results for my thyroid from the doctor.
I feel exhausted this past week. I've been running, running, running, and I'm just overwhelmed and exhausted. I have a feeling I'm going to have to do a "restart day" next Monday and lose about 10 additional pounds. Which worries me that I'll never get down to where I want to be for my birthday, which makes me feel even more pathetic, which makes me just want to curl up and sleep for about a month or so.

Woe is me. Did you make it this far?

I Could Go Either Way

I'm at one of those resting points again (mentally).

I could go either way.

Up, or down.

I'm working on down, but I'm in the mental mode of visioning.

At the beginning of 2013 I was 272 pounds.

I hope by the middle of this year (June) I can be 252 pounds. I don't know if it is likely, because the pounds are having a hard time getting off again. But I'm very close. So close I can start to fantasize about it. With the way the past few weeks have gone, though, it feels like it is draaaaaaaaaaging and each pound is a miracle.

My old me starts wondering why I'm sacrificing so much for a couple pounds. I have to fight that old me away with a stick. Get back!

When my head starts those games, I have to tell it that if I keep going, I could leave the year 20 pounds heavier, or 20 pounds lighter (I've written about this before). I don't want to keep yo-yoing. The reality is I don't want to be in my 250s for life, or my 270s. So, sure, I could go back up - but eventually I'll want to get back down. It's getting harder and harder to re-lose weight. -- Or to lose it PERIOD.

I can see from some of the blogs I go to - people losing 100 pounds in a year. It just isn't me. I'd love it, but it isn't me. I have to work with what I have, as frustrating as it is.

I have to start envisioning myself 20 pounds down the line - a place where I haven't been in as long as I can remember. That would put me at 100 pounds down, which is a HUGE GOAL OF MINE. It's almost like a lottery win, because there's a part of me that feels it is unattainable. That the hard of it will be too hard.

There's no reason I can't do it, even slow and steady.

For two months now I've been eating lower carb.

In those two months I've lost 9 pounds.

Do you know some people drop that in a week of doing low carb? Oy.

I'm thrilled to have lost the weight that seemed like it was going nowhere, but I'm frustrated that it takes so long for me. It is hard not to look at those "100 pounds in a year" people and be envious, comparing myself to them a little bit. I read Escape from Obesity the other day and her continued fight to keep/drop weight, and the calorie restrictions she has - and it still isn't coming off. I know that frustration. I can't help but be concerned that if/when I hit below 200, at what cost would that be?

At what calorie restriction would I have to put myself at to be able to hold a semi-reasonable weight?

For me, it might end up being worth it to be a porker and eat more freely. It just might. I don't know, but even the difference between 250 and 290 is pretty contrasted for me. It's the quality of life that comes into play, though.

My guess is once/if I can get down about 50 more pounds, I will have to incorporate a higher level of activity to my life on a continual basis. Right now I can't seem to do that without stalling my weight loss - but maybe in time it will become part of maintenance for me.

I hope that, at this time next year, I am riding the waves of 200 or below... I have to look at the bigger picture, even if things are slow. I have to remember where I could be if I would have stuck with things longer than 9 months. If I would have lost or maintained instead of re-gaining and re-losing. That 30 pounds I've dumped and found over and over could have been 90 pounds of loss, putting me at 210 pounds. Same work, difference outcomes.

My goals for this week:

3x exercise
1 pound weight loss
enjoy myself
Metformin?

Weigh in on Wednesday! See you then.

My Weight Loss Plan And Goals

Goals change.

I've been satisfied at 295, 277, 260. I've told myself many times that staying where I was would be better than where I came from (in the 300+ zone). Many, many times. I believe that right now. My quality of life is better at 257 than it was at 297, as it should be.

I thought I would make a wild Facebook post when I hit below 260, but I didn't. Maybe later. I don't feel done yet. I am extremely thankful for the way my body is losing weight; I really wasn't sure it could be done. The carb-cutting seems to be what it needs. Eating the same amount of calories before wasn't rendering any weight loss. For now, at least, it is.

For the record, here is my sort of "plan" right now:

Exercise: 
Walking at least 3x per week - 20+ minutes. No gym requirement, or goals right now. I'd like to save that for when I hit 100 pounds lost.

Food (Low Carb High Fat):
Carbs (about) 30 - 75 grams
Protein (about) > 90 grams
Fats (about) 150

I used this calculator to come out with the percentages, but also seem to naturally fall that way with my eating right now. I eat no breads, grains, wheat. No sugar, or very little. Lots of veggies (low glycemic ones), meats, eggs, some nuts, etc. Occasionally wine or a cocktail, but not the sugary ones. No beer.

I know that it isn't realistic to eat exactly like this forever. I do think the idea behind it is solvent, though, and could work for me in the long run. I also know that I have a lot more weight to lose than the average bear, so I'm willing to stick to what I'm doing right now (rather than adding more carbs in) for a while until I loosen up the reigns a bit on myself. I don't feel ill, hypoglycemic, tired, or deprived. I feel like I'm eating healthily. My brain doesn't feel as foggy. This is all good.

I'd really like to hover under 200 pounds, as an end goal. I'd like to be able to work out moderately, eat moderately, and maintain by eating a semi Phase II South Beach Diet. I think that being around 180ish would allow me to do that. I think. I don't know. Hopefully I'm blessed enough to find out! I know that 130 is what the BMI calculator tells me as a good, healthy weight for me - but I don't know that it is realistic. I can't see it as that way now, but who knows. Like I said, I'm in a honeymoon state with the fact that I'm losing weight.

I'm also terribly frightened. I'm already scared to gain it back.
I'm scared to stay where I am (weight-wise).
I'm scared of who I might be underneath all this fat.

Lots to be scared of.

Also lots to enjoy:

I'm a flexible person. Stretching feels good. You wouldn't know it with all the fat I have covering me, though. Just this recent loss of 40 pounds reminds me of my flexibility. I'm remembering more and more. It's truly great. I am more flexible.

I noticed - since I hit this kind of "below 260" area - that I have a bit more energy. I'm not so reluctant to get up and get something I need, making excuses in my head. More energy would be GREAT. If I feel this now, I can't imagine what another 30 pounds less might feel like.

I'm worrying less about saggy skin and more about how I feel.

I Do Not Want To Fail

It's weird. I know I have been frustrated with my weight loss, and how slow it has been. Don't get me wrong - I've been pleased. I'm going down, I'm feeling and seeing the difference. But, like most people, I'm a little impatient. I'd like that 10 pounds per month loss that I feel like I should have, given the work and sacrifices I'm putting in.

When I count calories all week and bust butt on the treadmill, only to get on the scale and have it move a measly pound, it is disappointing. On the same token, I'm happy to have lost a pound and not stalled out. So I'm stuck between being thrilled and irritated. Ha!

Today, though, as I walked into work, aware of being lighter than I've been in a while (once again), I was pleased. I felt good. Satisfied with where I am. Happy to not be where I was. The 260's feel like the new normal to me. My new "start point" since I've already been here, lost it, only to lose it again. I rolled my stats over in my head.

February 2012: 292 pounds
February 2013: 267 pounds
Difference: 25 pounds

As much as I'd love to lose a heckton of weight before I turn 40 this year in the fall, I'd also like to keep this off FOR GOOD.

I reminded myself that if I kept on this trend, even losing slowly, I'd be down 25 pounds by next year, which would put me at 242 pounds. The next year, 217, the next - 195.

I must remember that is BETTER THAN WHERE I'VE BEEN. I have to keep that in my head.

I've given myself this speil before and have failed at it, landing right back where I was. Each time I was determined not to get back there. Each time. Does this one feel different?

Yes.

It does. I'm scared to say it because I'm afraid of being wrong. I'm afraid of failing. I don't want to say too much to the people in my life out of fear.

But the other day my son came over, put his arms around me and gave me a big hug. A comfortable hug. He tried to jerk me off the ground (he's not big enough for that). We didn't say much, but I had a thought that he had noticed my weight loss, and wanted to get his arms around me.

I do, too. I wanted the same thing.

My other son asked if I went to the gym and if that was going to be normal for me now.

I'm sad for the time that has gone by where I've been big, and unable to focus on myself. I'm really trying to delegate some of my responsibilities so that I'm not logged down so much, and I can focus some on myself. I'm trying to hand over some things to my husband. To let some things go.

My youngest will be in high school next year and I'm determined to be below this notch by then. I'm determined to start living better.

I do not want to fail.

Baked Grapefruit And A 5k

OK, OK it is a virtual 5k. But it is a start. It is something. Katie from Runs for Cookies is hosting a virtual 5k in honor of her birthday. 5k is 3.1 miles, I guess, and I went ahead and signed up. I will be walking my 5k, and I will be doing it on three separate occasions.

Like I said, it is a start.  A nudge. A hope that the possibility is out there somewhere for me to, at some point, actually run a 5k. There are many steps I need to take along the way. This is my first one.

Happy Birthday, Katie!

---

I just finished mile 2 of my 3.1 mile walk. I had to use my "Walk Away the Pounds" video, though, because it is crazy cold out and I just don't feel like enduring that right now. Anyway, WAP is a no-excuses deal. Weather is no excuse.

Before starting my walk, I popped some grapefruit in the oven to try - for the first time - baked grapefruit. I really like grapefruit, regardless, but something about it intrigued me.

Basically you half a fruit, sprinkle some honey or sugar on it (1 tsp.) and pup it, flesh side up in the oven on a baking sheet for 15-20 minutes at 325. I've seen some people broil it, too, or add other things (like jelly). Spark has the recipe right here: Baked Grapefruit. Some people will remove the white stuff that separates the pieces, or dig them each out. Not me. I like to eat that anyway, so it was no bother.

Excuse the photo. One thing about this blog for me, is that it is quick. I don't spell check or proof read much, and my photos aren't always top notch. But I need to journal; it helps keep me on track and keep me sane sometimes. This picture was taken from my phone. 

The verdict? Not bad. Kind of nice to have something warm in my tummy. I like my grapefruit room-temperature to begin with, so this isn't much different. Except that it is warm and actually easier to remove the section and white part - pith, I think it's called. I eat that stuff. I don't know if I'd bake my fruit every time, but it's not bad for something different. I used honey and sprinkled some cinnamon on it, too.

---

As I grabbed my grapefruit, happy and satisfied with my workout, I wondered if I was bipolar. 

Not really bipolar, bipolar, but wondered why healthy habits were so hot and cold for me.

I mean, today I dropped the kids off at their activities and had two hours to burn. I'm using that two hours to:

exercise

write a quick entry

get dinner in the oven

Huh? Exercise? How does that work that I have time to do that today, but can't seem to find time 98% of the rest of the year? It baffles me how this works, and I know it is up and down because I've been both before. 

Right now, I can't see being a slothy over-eater in my future. But history would pattern me being in that rut again. Boy, if I could bottle (whatever it is) and sell it --or hoard it for those times when I don't seem to be producing it-- I would.

Maybe it is forced habit and once you get on, momentum keeps you going, and once you fall off, you need to grab that momentum again. Donno. Remind me of it, though, when I lose it and spiral again, would you?

Steady Goes The Girl

Still the same, 272.
It said 274 on Monday and that scared me a bit. But, I know that I often allow myself to weigh in on Monday and Wednesday. Weight can fluctuate.

Regardless of what the scale says (whoops I typed "scare" instead of "scale" at first, haha), I don't feel so great. It might be hormones since it was that TOTM last week. Or hormonal release, I don't know for sure.

I've been eating OK. After Monday's shocker, I forced myself to stay w/in my calories for the 2 days between and I did. It isn't always easy. Last night I just brushed my teeth and went to bed. No seconds, though my habits wanted me to dig in for more... for something.

I realize having chocolate around, or some sweet is a good thing for me. I like my treat. If I can have a chocolate square, I can be OK.

I started incorporating walks again. For a while I wasn't, but I need them. I am just looking at a minimum of 3x per week. I don't want to overdo it on myself, but my body craves the movement, it isn't bad for me, and I'm setting a pretty low bar.

I also reallyreally want to lose this next 10 pounds. I want to get below 270 so freaking bad. I want to hit the 259 mark incredibly bad. I haven't been there in a long, long time.

My clothes are still comfortable, but not loose. That's another non-scale goal for me. I want to need some new clothing. I'm not there yet, though.

I'm going slow and steady, but I'm still going steady. I'd love to say that through spring, through summer, and back into fall and winter again. That's something else I haven't done - stay with it for the long haul. I need to do this for myself.

I need to prove to myself that I can break my own barrier and get out of those 260s for once and for all. I might even be satisfied with that in itself, I don't really know right now.

My roadblocks are stress and fear.

Stress and needing the "easier" route. And fear of a saggy-skinned stomach, not being able to do anything about it (surgery), and having it flopping around, impeding my daily life and fitness goals.

That is one of my other challenges to myself: call my insurance, see if they cover such a thing. I know it is a weird fear to have, but if I know what I'm up against, then I can figure my way around it. I have to admit to myself that wearing a skin apron isn't necessarily going to be my future, if I continue to lose weight.

I don't want surgery. I fear surgery. But I also fear having this skin hanging to my knees. It makes me want to cry thinking about it.