New Day - Try Something New

A million times, I "Start Again."

Two of my very good friends have lost some weight.  Seeing the change in them reminds me of where I've been.  It wasn't long ago that I was hearing, "You look smaller!" or "You look great!" and "What are you doing?!"

I miss that.

I miss how I felt.

It's been a long haul moving from job to job the last few years.  Stress, stress, stress.  Everything kind of hit a head at the same time, plateau, job loss, job search, new job (hated it - consumed me), job search, job get (horrific co-worker, new I'd have to suffer through the year and transfer), job search, job get.

My current job is decent.  It's in the department I initially applied for years ago.  Twice!  But it's all-consuming, too.  There's no time to relax, from the second you strap yourself in your work chair, you're go, go, GO! until it's time to leave, and then I'm almost running out the door before someone can ask much more of me.

With all of these changes, it's been difficult to continue the focus on myself.  But, I have to.  And, honestly, if that means I have to find another job, it means it.

My kids are almost grown.  They have one more year of high-school. I'm so frustrated that the last 3 years of my life have been pretty miserable.  I've been so stressed out, so haggard, so much living on a day to day.  That's not living.  That's waiting to die.  Waiting to get old enough.   That's not me.

Well, partly it IS me.  It's who I am.  I only have so much in the tank. If I put in an exhausting day at work, I'm in a vegetative state.  I don't have much left for anything else. I have to ask myself if this is what I want, what I can tolerate, if I'm living enough life - or if I need to make a switch.

I don't know yet.

What I do know is that, for the last week, instead of trying to put solid meals on the table, my focus was (purposely) shifted to counting calories.  To paying attention.  To taking a couple walks.  Nothing major.   If I can manage to find a balance, that would be nice.

I haven't made a real dent in my weight, but this was one of the first weekends I didn't spike up to 289.

I'm just going to try for a bit.

On another note, I got an airplant.  I haven't had one before.  Mine looks like the one in the top left-hand picture.  I haven't figured out where exactly to put it yet.

Cabbage Soup Day 1 Recap - 290

Day 1 of my RESET.  I'm drinking protein shakes (two kinds), and eating cabbage soup.  The

The cabbage soup comes from the Cabbage Soup Diet - google it.  It's been around a while.  I've eaten it before.  I doubled this and made a huge pot.  I also added extra pepper flakes and some Sriracha sauce because I like spice.  And a cup of corn.  And some lime. People eat this for seven days, I'm doing it for three.  I'm mostly doing it because it is low calorie, warm, and I want something I don't have to think about making for a couple days.  Something easy to grab.

It does sort of go against all my feelings for quick fixes and diet fads.  But it's not so much a quick fix on weight loss for me (although losing the 5 pounds I just gained would be nice); I have way too many pounds to lose.  But it's an approach to zapping my cravings, and getting me in line.  The diet has different foods to eat, depending on the day.  I'm really just using the soup, the shakes, and improvising, but trying to keep it to those two things as much as possible.

CABBAGE SOUP
Ingredients
½ head of cabbage, chopped (I used pre-shredded cabbage, aka cole slaw)
1 cup diced celery
1 cup onion, diced
1 cup carrots, diced
1 green bell pepper, diced
2-3 cloves garlic, minced
4 cups chicken broth
14 oz can basil, oregano, garlic diced tomatoes
1 teaspoon oregano
1 teaspoon basil
½ teaspoon red pepper flakes
black pepper, to taste
½ teaspoon salt (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS:
Heat 2 tablespoons of olive oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add celery, onions, bell peppers, and carrots. Saute until slightly tender. Stir in garlic. Add chicken broth. Stir in diced tomatoes (with juice - the whole can) and cabbage. Stir in spices and cook until cabbage is tender. Taste broth and adjust seasoning if needed.  I added the juice of half a lime, too.  I also don't like my veggies too soft, so I don't cook them all the way.

Original recipe says it makes enough for about 3 days, but that might be eating it all day?  Not sure.

Today has been OK.  I had my coffee and cream (2 cups) in the morning, followed by a Muscle Milk.   I went on about my morning and a couple hours later realized I was STARVING and feeling shaky and yuck.  I had my Level Life shake, drank some water, and headed out to do some light shopping.  

I really wasn't feeling well.  I should have had that shake earlier, I suppose.  I went into Costco and started shopping and did have one sample - chicken breast, plain - literally a bite of chicken.  I figured that was better than passing out, which was how I was feeling.  The shake must have made it into my system, and the chicken stopped my growling tummy.  I felt fine after that. 

When I got home I immediately started to assemble my soup.  I was actually looking forward to it.   One of my kids did remark on how snappy I was today.  It hurt my feelings.  I didn't want to say it was because I was denying myself regular food, though.  My kids wouldn't understand.  If I said I was trying to quit smoking they might (no, I don't smoke).  As it cooks now, it smells yummy.  I can't wait to dig in.  I don't even care that I can't have bread and butter or anything else.  I want my soup! 

I had another shake, this time pouring it into one of my favorite mugs to make it feel more special.

Nothing exciting, but I did prefer that to drinking it from the package it came in.

I think in total I had 4 cups of the soup and 4 shakes.  Then about 10PM I broke down and had a piece of fried chicken.  My stomach hurt, and I wanted to have a decent night sleep.  My calories were at >1000, and that's ridonkolous.

At any rate, that's what it is.  I think I drank ~13 cups of water, probably more.

I did not hit my 10,000 steps, I did not go on a walk.  Can't handle everything at once.

Woke up in the morning and I weigh 287.

Looking Forward

I'm sipping my second cup of coffee and pretending I don't have to leave for work in 10 minutes.

Haha.

I'm on a good run with journaling, walking.  Just need to continue.

Continue, continue.

I've allowed myself chocolate.

Popcorn.

Other than that, it's been pretty much low carb.

I think I can do a wee bit better than what I'm doing for a small space of time.  Not forever, but... a WEEK?

A good week to cut my carb addiction a bit and kick myself into better habits.  Maybe less cravings, too.  I notice the less carbs I eat (this pas week), the less hungry I am.  The less sugar crashes, too, obviously.

It is hard, though.  It takes some of the "fun" out of things.  But it also will hopefully lead me to a better place with my wardrobe.  SO looking forward to that.

I need to remind myself of it over and over.

283

I don't really want to talk about my weight.  I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of working on it, thinking about it, and dealing with it.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have gastric bypass surgery.

I have a few friends that have had it and they all look great.

They are all living life.

I am. Sort of.

I did get another job.  Very part-time.  I guess I should be happy.  I don't know what I want, which doesn't help.  This gives me the flexibility to figure that out while still providing a bit of cash to the flow, I suppose.

I'm semi-excited.  All in all it's probably the best.  I'm so blessed in that area, yet I seem to snub my nose at it.  I've been off for a bit and it's been nice.  It wasn't really enough time, though.  I was hoping to leave town, visit family, do some things I've been wanting to do for a while.  It's not going to happen though.  New job starts.  Even if it's part-time, it's a new job, and it's exhausting.  But I did get to a good point last year with my old job where I was able to find some time for me, get a routine, and pay more attention to taking care of myself.

Right now I'm just trying to hit 8000 steps on my tracker. That's about it.  My weight remains a dismal 283.  Last year this time I was 30 pounds lighter.  I just need to have the scale start winding back that way.  10 pounds I'd feel better. Ten stinking pounds.

It's amazing how hard that is!

Day By Day

I don't know what's happening to me.

I quit my job.  It was hard and liberating at the same time.  It will put financial burdens on us.  Period.  I couldn't hold out any longer.  Every day I woke miserable and every night I dreaded the next day.  Maybe a lot of people feel like that?

It's not one of those things where I'm "lucky I can quit my job."  It's going to suck.  It already does.  Life is uncertain, I will have to throw myself into interviewing.  Again.

I wish I knew what it all was.

I wish I could find someone to talk to that would help me figure it out.  I don't think I'm doing very well.

I looked back at my posts and last year June when my job started to look sketchy.  Then they told me I might not have a job.  Then I had to really start looking.

Then I had a moment's peace, thinking maybe I'd explore something else - write a book, do something, and try to make something positive of it.

And then I got offered the full-time job of my dreams, and life was busy and fast and I took the job.

And nearly a year later I'm miserable and jobless.

And... you know what?  I'm sitting here at home by myself, having a pity party.  What the heck IS that?

I went back and read my old posts.  I was going along well.  I was in shape better than I have been in 20 years, looking and feeling good.

I hit a BUMP with my job.  That's it.  Grand scheme of things - I tried it, it didn't work.  I need to MOVE on, not run it over in my head so much, and take it as it comes and have FAITH that God is on my side. He has good things in store for me.

Period.

I can't sit here and dwell on this for hours at a time.  Maybe I need to go see someone and talk it out.  Then I do it.  Whatever the rate - I'm done.  I quit --which I've wanted to do for months-- I should rejoice and take advantage of it, instead of sitting here feeling crappy about it.

Yes.