I don't want to write this in my regular paper journal so I will leave it here.
I don't think I'm rapid-cycling bipolar, but boy it feels like it sometimes.
Beyond being cursed with a huge weight problem, I also sometimes feel like I can't ever be truly happy. There is always a gloom and doom behind it. I'm always treading water. Always. I never find land. Sometimes the waves crash at my face and I can hardly breathe, and then other days I'm just thankful that the waves are calm, even though I'm exhausted from treading, treading.
Some days while I'm treading there are beautiful skies and sunsets, and I'm in awe of them, my heart is warm and happy.
But I'm still treading.
Sometimes I tread by a beautiful island, and people are smiling and waving, and I just tread on by.
Sometimes there are sharks.
Sometimes there are dolphins.
I know I struggle with depression. I just don't know if I can commit to medication. There are days I don't care and don't want it, and days when I feel like I can't imagine going on like this.
So hard to explain. So frustrating to be here.
I want something of my own. I was hoping my job switch would be that something, but it's been one nightmare after another.
In other news, I've fluctuated around 280 pounds, give or take. Just like my mental health, some days are bad and I feel crappy (285), some days are better (278).