Today at church the pastor was talking about life. He said that most of his life is not very good. He has moments of joy and happiness, but most of it is aches, pains, concerns, and things that aren't enjoyable.
It was refreshing to hear (for someone like me).
I know a lot of people that, for the most part, enjoy life. They would say things are the other way around. Most of it is comfortable, and times of discomfort.
I'm mostly comfortable, and there are some hard times. But I'm often very sorrowful, anxious, and uncomfortable. I don't think most people would know this besides my husband; maybe my kids.
I've talked to my husband a lot about things, shared my frustrations, my feelings, the struggles I deal with. I've talked until I was blue in the face. My husband takes me for granted. He hears what I say but doesn't listen. Last night I explained to him, again, as we are going through a rough patch (family, financials - we have a lot of rough patches) that it was hard for me. I have some physical concerns that have flared up and are causing me trouble, work is an irritation and a dread.
For a few years now, I've really needed a break. Like a sabbatical. Honestly. Where my schedule is none. I know that sounds like a fantasy, but I really need that. I was hoping my new job would allow me that, almost, because the hours are so small. But the person I work with is a bully and the small community I am employed in is very dysfunctional. I suspect many communities are. I think with how things have been for me the past few years I just didn't really need this. What I needed was for my old job to have just continued, I suppose. The work I could have done with my eyes closed.
But without discomfort, there is no growth. I'm growing, I get that.
Back to my conversation with my husband.
So I explained to him everything that wasn't working for me, and how I was not in a great place. How smiles were coming harder than sadness right now. I know it will pass, but I'm trying to get through it.
What he does is makes it about HIM. He sees me unhappy and makes it about him. "What did I do now?" he asks. I just don't need that. I remind him of EVERYTHING WE TALKED ABOUT, how I'm hurting and having trouble, and he still just doesn't get it.
He buries his head in the sand. 5 years ago I could have (did) told him our marriage was in jeopardy. That I was concerned about us "making it" much after the kids were grown. He gets hysterical and overly-emotional (dramatic), but nothing comes of the talk. Nothing changes.
The same topic arises a year later, another year later, another year later.
It takes two to make a marriage work, but I feel like it's all up to me all the time.
I guess that's what I think about a lot. I think about how everyone looks to us like the perfect couple, the ones who stuck it out, how everything in life is about our family - and how really we're falling apart.
It's scary and sad at the same time.
There's every sign in the world that our marriage is fractured. I wish he paid more attention to it.
Yeah, I'm scared.
I'm maintaining. I'm making a point of walking more.