Am I Chasing A Pipe Dream?

Every day is a new day, but it IS still built on the past.  My past has me re-losing weight that I don't want to have to do, but nevertheless I'm doing. As she says, "I'm not making something new, I'm cleaning a mess I made."  Super frustrating, but there it is.

This past week or so I've been doing better.  Not the best, but better.  But I haven't lost weight.  I've been moving more, and that is always good.

I'm in a few challenges on fitbit, and that helps to motivate me somewhat.  Weekend Warrior, Workweek Hustle.  One day I took three walks.  I wouldn't have done that if my step-counter wasn't holding me accountable.  So that's a win.

My eating has been ho-hum.  Today I went out and had 2 doughnuts.  I don't normally do that, and could have easily avoided it.  In fact the first place we stopped was closed so we had to go even farther out of our way to seek out the doughnuts.  I made a conscious decision.  There it is.

And then I came home and did a walking workout.  That felt good, although I have some back pain that's made it difficult to do much more than a regular walk.  I did some good stretches after and am crossing my fingers that I don't wake up tomorrow bathed in regrets.

I regret that I'm back here again.

I'm not all the way at 338 (I truly don't know why/how, but I'm not), but I'm back at a weight my body is all too happy to settle in at.

I worry this might "just be me" and I'll never get there, or anywhere.  I have to live in this rut I've created, or was dealt.  I worry about that a lot.  There's something about being over 300 pounds that just isn't the same as someone who is only 40 pounds overweight.

I wonder if I can truly be at 200 pounds and stay there without having to spend a majority of my time consumed with how I'm going to maintain it.  

Am I chasing a pipe dream?

Is the only way for me to stay under 200 pounds by body modification (bypass and skin removal)?  I can't see that happening for me.  I have no money to do it.  What are the chances of success without it, though, truly?

I'm not saying I give up.  Right now I'm just fighting to maintain a 280 pound body and not go higher.  Imagine that.  Most people really don't have to imagine fighting to stay 280 pounds.

The curse of being fat is just that.

I'm not saying I give up.  I'm just saying it will never end.


Lori said...

It is so hard to stay in there and fight when it seems so pointless. It isn't. Don't quit. Just do what you can when you can.

Bonita Gordita said...

Yeah. I mean, giving up and ballooning to 400 pounds isn't really an option, although I guess it is. I just don't consider it one. Thanks for your support, Lori. <3