Feeding The Addiction

I'm having a hard time not cheating.

I want everything I can't have. It's frustrating.

I want pizza.
I want texture more than taste. It isn't sweets I crave (they all taste too sweet), but I crave the sweet salty chewy crunchy soft texture of the cookie bars I made.

Cheese, eggs, whipped cream, meat, vegetables - they're missing the texture that grains give you.

The chewy yeast of bread. The sweet salty.

I'm going through something, and it happens.

I went to my doctor. She had nothing. Nothing but words. Words like:

It's hard. A lifelong struggle.
That's why we're trying to stop kids young from getting obese, so they don't have to deal with the horrors of losing weight.
Once your body spends a considerable amount of time at a certain weight it struggles to stay there, no matter where you're at.
Your body is struggling. It's accustomed to being out of whack, being super obese, eating thousands of calories. Damaged. You're asking it to go without and it doesn't want to. You're asking it to stabilize after changing it significantly. It doesn't want to. So, you're "normal" might feel extreme. Your blood sugar is normal - but your body feels it as abnormal.
It's so hard.
You're probably depressed at a life you can't live anymore - even if it was uncomfortable. It was your normal, and it's not anymore. Even if you feel better in your clothes, you're making a sacrifice of what your lifestyle was before and that in itself can feel depressing for a while.

Literally every single word of what she was saying makes sense. All of it. It's the bottom line that sucks.

The bottom line that there's no medicine that can help me. There's nothing "wrong" with me that can be fixed. It's as hard as having an addiction to a pill, but that pill I still have to swallow each day - but not too many.

I have to take what I'm addicted to, I just can't overdose or I'll suffer the consequences.

Food makes me feel a certain way. If I could eat intuitively, I'd be fine. But I don't. I eat and my brain kicks off in ways that aren't normal. Even if it's not happening, it's there, bubbling below the surface.

I wish a lot of things. I'd almost rather be addicted to pills or something that didn't make me fat. Something I could abstain from and not have to have. It's impossible to have this addiction to something that comes in numerous forms, tastes good, and in the end I HAVE TO HAVE TO SURVIVE.

A kid in a candy store. Two pieces, that's it.
An addict with a mountain of cocaine in front of her. One sniff, no more.
A gambler in a casino. Two rolls of the dice and you're done. Once every four hours. No more.
A sex addict in a pornography shop.

She prescribed Prozac for my PMS. The band-aid for disasters.

When things are good, they are decent. I'm able to beat this, and lose weight. But when they're bad, it's on the tip of my brain, festering every second, and my daily life is affected. My work. My home. My family. My friends. My inability to DO. To stay afloat.

I hope this passes, as it does sometimes, and I'm able to get back on the ride, lose some more weight. But right now all I want to do is shove my face like you don't even know how badly. It sucks.

My Body Is Fighting Me

Hi.

I think in one of the few entries I typed out this month, I mentioned that I'd like to be below 250 before the month's end.

I thought that was possible.

I got cocky, I guess. Or hopeful.

It didn't happen.

In fact, it really didn't happen, and I think I've left this month at the same place as I came in. On one hand that is good. On the other it feels like gaining. In trying to look on the brighter side, this morning I had a thought - maybe I'll reset my "normal" - and it helped me feel a bit better.

Something about hitting a weight and maintaining it for a bit. Maybe it resets the body a bit, and mine will hold this weight as a new normal. Instead of feeling like it has to struggle back to 330, 298, or 265. Those are all places I seemed to stick.

One can hope.

I was at the doctor (endocrinologist), and basically it was a waste of time, but she did say something that made sense. I was telling her how hard it was for me to lose weight, she told me it was hard for everyone to lose weight. I really wanted to slap her and ask her if it's harder for someone who is 150 to go to 130 or 338 to go to 190 - and why some of us are double-people-sized fat, and some never get there, and if there might be something to that. But maybe I'm just sensitive.

She pointed out that I was losing.
I agreed.
I told her how crappy I felt when I was exercising.
She said my body was fighting me tooth and nail (something like that).

Though I still wanted to slap her, I also tried to listen. Because she had a point there. My body was thriving at 300+ pounds, and it is thriving now. When I starve it (that's what my body thinks this all is), it fights back - body and brain - saying, FEED ME, DON'T WORK ME SO HARD - I'M TIRED/IT HURTS!

My body is NOT supposed to cooperate with this. It is fighting me. Holding on to food, telling me to eat more, wanting me to overfill as it is accustomed to.

That made sense. It's an obvious, but it makes sense.

So, yeah, I'll weigh in officially tomorrow, and this morning I was 252, so I expect it to be about the same. It is disappointing. But it doesn't mean I have to stay here. Unfortunately, my "thinness" is starting to wear off. I'm feeling bulgy and fat and a bit uncomfortable. Maybe that's good. I don't want to get too comfortable here. I mean it feels great (in comparison , but it isn't where I want to set up camp for too long.

100 pounds. 100 pounds. 100 pounds. Right around the corner.

PS: Oh. So, I have PCOS. We knew that. She's also ordered some labs for me to do a fasting glucose. Pending that, she'd like me to try the Metformin again. I also saw a nutritionist. We can talk about that another time.

I'm Still Alive... And Now I'm Off Metformin (263.8)

This is going to be quick. Grammer and spelling might be rough.

First off, I weigh 263. I haven't posted a weigh in for a bit, but it hasn't really been doing much (besides fluctuating wildly). This is the 3rd time I've weighed 263. I'm hoping that I'm breaking that barrier.

I'm off Metformin. I was way too woozy.

The things I found out while being on Metformin and testing my blood sugars:

I'm not diabetic (according to doctor).
I'm not dangerously hypoglycemic (though my readings tend to be low rather than high).

After being on the drug for 10 days, and not being able to tolerate it for the last 3 of those days, I went to the doctor to clarify exactly what we were doing with being on the Metformin. I explained how crappy I've felt, how out of energy I've felt, how I feel hypoglycemic ALL THE TIME (even though I guess I technically am not). I wanted to fal in a ball on ground and sob, but clinic floors are filthy.

What she said was - um, BG, you've lost a significant amount of weight. I see you were in the clinic back in September and you were 295 pounds. You weighed in today (6 months later) at 265 pounds. It might not seem like a lot, but your body has gone through some changes. It is resetting itself. You have new normals for glucose readings, hormones -- your body needs to stabilize.

She said she thinks Metformin is right for me, but told me to wait a month. Make sure I'm a bit more stable, make sure that I can differentiate between my hormones and the drug before going on it again (I'm not sure I could before). She said my readings were all very good while on the drug and I didn't need to worry about that. But for the metabolic syndrome and PCOS that I was dealing with, the drug could prove to be helpful for me.

I'm hopeful but hesitant on the Metformin, but what she was saying makes sense, about the body regulation to the "new me" for my weight. Considering I've been here 3 times and failed twice, I think I get to a certain point and my body is like, Whoa now, this doesn't feel right?! Let's get you back to where you need to be to feel normal.

My "normal" has settled at 338, 298, and, well, about 267. Those seem to be my landmarks. 262 is a number that I faintly remember as being a "normal" for a while.

So I have to fight through it to get to another normal, I guess. It's been frustrating and difficult, to say the least, though.

A change I've made recently is to cut out a lot of the carbs I was eating. I feel like I need to do something to get through here, and carbs have often NOT been my friend. I didn't eat a drastically lowered carb diet to get where I am now, that was mostly calories. But, I've been doing good on my calories and am still finding difficulty getting past this point. It looks like I might be breaking through, but I'm not convinced until I see a 25-something number.

275 - Why Don't Fatties Just Get It?

It has been a busy week (or couple of weeks) and my weight hasn't done much. That's probably a good thing, though I'd rather say I was so busy I forgot to eat and (YAY) I lost weight, but maintaining is good too.

Actually, I guess I lost a pound since the last check-in. Good for me.

I haven't done great on eating, but I haven't gone off the wagon - I guess that is what the scale shows.

But I have to reiterate to myself: I FEEL FANTASTIC IN MY SKIN

Maybe not literally "fantastic" but I feel so much better in my clothes. So. Much. Better.

It is good to be back here. This 20 pounds make a huge difference in the way my clothes feel. I'm curious what another 20 will do. I'd really like to know, so I have to get back on track. I'm still 10 pounds away from my lowest low, and I want to break through that.

I'm going to get some bloodwork done to see if there's anything going on with me (polycystic ovaries, blood sugar issues), so that should be interesting. It's something I've needed to do for a while. I don't know if that has any issue with me having such a difficult time losing weight, but better to know than to ignore.

I do have to admit a little disappointment when they aim me at a nutritionist. Years and years of being overweight and battling my weight has nearly made me a nutritionist. It isn't nutrition for me that is an issue. It is my head, my heart. I've been to a nutritionist and it was a waste of time. It was one more (thin) person looking at me, thinking if I'd only eat right I wouldn't be a cow. I don't need to hear or experience that any more than I already have in my life - (some) thin people that think they have something over the fat people of the world because they've never had a weight issue.

I'm not trying to bash on thin people. But there's something in some of them that will never understand the BATTLE. Not to take away from the hard work that many people do in the gyms. There are plenty of thin people that work their butts off, and I salute them. Go thin people of the world.

It's like having a balance of $1000 in your checkbook, keeping the same income and expenses, and maintaining that amount. (thin people)

OR

Having $500 in your checkbook, trying to reach $1000, but getting paid less and having to work more. (fat people)

The thin people think they have the formula, and wonder what is SO WRONG with the fatties that can't simply get it.

This didn't start off with a rant, but it seems to be ending on one. When I started thinking about my experience with nutritionists, it hit a nerve. My doctor telling me that brown rice and whole grains are better than white rice and white breads, that hit a nerve.

...Backing off this track. It's Monday and I want to start it off right. My clothes fit well, I'm still going at it. Results will come. I'm doing good.