My Body Is Fighting Me


I think in one of the few entries I typed out this month, I mentioned that I'd like to be below 250 before the month's end.

I thought that was possible.

I got cocky, I guess. Or hopeful.

It didn't happen.

In fact, it really didn't happen, and I think I've left this month at the same place as I came in. On one hand that is good. On the other it feels like gaining. In trying to look on the brighter side, this morning I had a thought - maybe I'll reset my "normal" - and it helped me feel a bit better.

Something about hitting a weight and maintaining it for a bit. Maybe it resets the body a bit, and mine will hold this weight as a new normal. Instead of feeling like it has to struggle back to 330, 298, or 265. Those are all places I seemed to stick.

One can hope.

I was at the doctor (endocrinologist), and basically it was a waste of time, but she did say something that made sense. I was telling her how hard it was for me to lose weight, she told me it was hard for everyone to lose weight. I really wanted to slap her and ask her if it's harder for someone who is 150 to go to 130 or 338 to go to 190 - and why some of us are double-people-sized fat, and some never get there, and if there might be something to that. But maybe I'm just sensitive.

She pointed out that I was losing.
I agreed.
I told her how crappy I felt when I was exercising.
She said my body was fighting me tooth and nail (something like that).

Though I still wanted to slap her, I also tried to listen. Because she had a point there. My body was thriving at 300+ pounds, and it is thriving now. When I starve it (that's what my body thinks this all is), it fights back - body and brain - saying, FEED ME, DON'T WORK ME SO HARD - I'M TIRED/IT HURTS!

My body is NOT supposed to cooperate with this. It is fighting me. Holding on to food, telling me to eat more, wanting me to overfill as it is accustomed to.

That made sense. It's an obvious, but it makes sense.

So, yeah, I'll weigh in officially tomorrow, and this morning I was 252, so I expect it to be about the same. It is disappointing. But it doesn't mean I have to stay here. Unfortunately, my "thinness" is starting to wear off. I'm feeling bulgy and fat and a bit uncomfortable. Maybe that's good. I don't want to get too comfortable here. I mean it feels great (in comparison , but it isn't where I want to set up camp for too long.

100 pounds. 100 pounds. 100 pounds. Right around the corner.

PS: Oh. So, I have PCOS. We knew that. She's also ordered some labs for me to do a fasting glucose. Pending that, she'd like me to try the Metformin again. I also saw a nutritionist. We can talk about that another time.


Lori said...

252 is not so far away from 249, just three measly pounds. Don't beat yourself up over it.

Mrs Swan said...

I have issues with it to when it is myself but really look how far you have come in just six short months! If we had stayed doing what we were doing back then we would probably be higher. Instead we have brought those numbers down and will continue to do so. :)

Elenamary said...

god i just restarted and restopped metformfin for the umteenth time (pcos here too). let us know how it goes for you, if you end up doing it, i'm curious.