Weekend Weight Gain

I passed a goal (below 285)!
Weigh in today: 282
HOORAY!

I noticed that I have down as a "major goal" to be 260 or below by the end of December, 2012.
Um.. I don't know. I mean, I can try. I think. That's not a good attitude.  But I don't know if my weight loss will continue to decline as much as it is right now for long. We will see.

I need to believe I can do it and believe it is possible for me to have any chance of getting there. There's a possibility that I don't really believe it and I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop on this experiment of mine. For my patience to wane. For Thanksgiving and Christmas to look at me and say, eat.

I will never understand the psychology of a food addict.
I mean, if I could bottle up whatever it is that will set me on a path of good eating and healthy choices, and whip that bottle out whenever it is lacking - I'd be set.

I'd be cured.

It makes no sense to me how I can, at one period, be unable to stay within a calorie range or find time to take care of myself - and then at another time be able to do all that.

I guess I won't question it too much, and I'll just pray that it sticks around a while.
I actually had a fabulous weekend and didn't gain a pound.
I feel like I indulged.
I don't feel deprived.
I do feel like I made choices.

For example: prior to my girl's get together I mowed down on a HUGE bowl of lettuce. I didn't want to go there hungry. When I got to the gathering, I ate some brie and crackers. Not as much as I would have normally eaten, but I tasted and didn't feel left out. I ate the salad, I drank wine. I opted to drink the wine over eating food. I had a bite of a cookie for dessert, rather than the entire thing.

Thankfully the menu was simple. There weren't a ton of delicious treats I had to turn down. Again, I drank my calories that night.

The next day I got up and made a nice breakfast for the family, but had my regular toast and egg. I didn't feel deprived, really. I felt good that the choice I was making might help me fit back into the clothes I purchased a couple years ago.

I went on a nice, long walk. Burned up a bunch of calories I ingested the day before, and sweated out some of that wine.

I tracked everything I ate, good or bad. And I lost a pound over the weekend.

Weighing In Before The Weekend

I weighed myself today. It's not some horrific sin, but I couldn't help myself. Realistically I try to weigh in every Monday morning. Sometimes I dread it (well generally I dread it) after a weekend where I feel I overindulged. For some sick reason I thought it would be a good idea to weigh in today.

283

That's three pounds down.

I was almost brought to my knees in gratitude. Thank God for small blessings, eh? My body was cooperating?! Crazy. That's 3 pounds down this week. That's 3 pounds away from dipping under 280. Wow, wow, and WOW.

But hold the phone, because here comes the weekend. Tonight is wine and dinner with the girls, tomorrow is pizza night with the family - and a grillout, and Sunday we have a family celebration.

It ALL revolves around food.

I can do this, though. I can. I've done it before. I didn't duck out of engagements because of the food. Well, maybe sometimes. I actually considered brining my own lunch to the grillout tomorrow. It might be corny, but this is a matter of survival. If I were an alcoholic and I were going to a "alcoholic drinks only" party - I might just bring my own soda. Maybe I have to stop caring what someone else would say, since I'm the one in battle.

Or maybe I eat sensibly. Or try to. Small portions, stick to familiar foods.

What a decision to have. I can think of worse ones. It makes me wonder if weighing in before the weekend was a good idea, though. If I hop back on Monday and it tells me 285, I will be bummed (crushed).

It's done, though. I'll use it to motivate me not to have to read a higher weight on Monday.

Answering a question from the comments:

elenamary said... what are you goals with water? how did you come to set your water goal? any suggestions?

I aim for 8 8oz. glasses of water a day (the common standard). No real reasoning, but that seems to be a happy medium, so I use that number as a marker.  I also use the amount of times I go to the bathroom (color of urine, etc.) as a guide. It's important enough to me to pay attention tot that. If I'm having wine or alcohol, I want to increase the water intake, or keep up glass to glass with water/wine.

There are days where I will be making dinner and realize I hadn't gone to the bathroom or drank anything besides my morning coffee or a soda. That's not good. I get headaches from not drinking enough water. That's not good. My problem is, unless it is right in front of me - I forget. I don't like to stand by the sink and chug water. The visual of the tap doesn't help me. BUT, the visual of a clear water bottle does.

Usually I take my travel water bottle wherever I go. It helps me remember and saves money. I take it to work every day. One day I forgot it and purchased a disposable water bottle with a drink spout. I noticed I drank it all easily without even thinking about it. If I'm drinking from a straw, I'm likely to drink more, too. So I purchased one of those clear tumblers with a straw and can't believe how much more helpful it has been (to me) for getting my water in. I've been drinking at minimum 3 cups full a day (60oz), and that's not including the water with meals. That's much better than I was doing before.

Everyone's different, but for me the visual of my cup, the ease of drinking and portability (I set it by the computer if I'm working, in the kitchen when I'm cooking, livingroom if we're watching a movie). This has worked wonders for me. I know some people use very large water bottles and mark each 8oz on it, and use that as a guide/goal.

I Lost Two Pounds

Big deal, right?

Well, it's been a struggle to lose weight for me. I don't know if it is age or what the factor, but I've been having trouble breaking out of a plateau (for lack of better word).

I stepped on my Wii fit and it read 286 after a week of tracking my calories and walking/moving a bit more. Beautiful! It has not been easy to keep on top of tracking. I'm busy, like anyone else. Beyond that, I'm cooking for my family, trying to stay on a budget, and having to run all my recipes through trackers takes up time and energy.

But so does being unhealthy and depressed. 

Today I am very motivated.

I want to get that "needle" to dip below the 280 mark.
I want my pants to be loose again.
I want to fit back into the clothes that are hanging in my closet, waiting for me.

My lowest weight I remember was 269. I have a ways to go to get there. I very much hope that I can make it. It is hard not to get ahead of myself, push things, and not get frustrated.

I'll look at my small goal of getting below 285. I should be able to accomplish that by the end of the month.

WATER
I have a hard time getting my water in, especially at home. Trying to do better, I finally purchased one of those clear tumblers that have a clear straw to sip through. It holds  20oz of water. I really had to coach myself into buying one, though, instead of writing it off as a waste of money. But, I notice if I have a water bottle or something with a straw, I'm waaaaay more likely to drink water. Since I've caught myself a few times lately realizing I had only drank a few ounces of water during the day, I thought it was important for me to pay attention to.

I've had the cup for a week and have already doubled my intake. Yay me.

I'm A Good Listener

I'm a good listener. It has its drawbacks. When you're so darn good at listening (when it counts), people forget you might have something to say. I say a lot. I talk. But not always when it counts. Not always when my heart is bleeding and I need a band-aid.

This has been bothering me lately. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized I should be grateful for my capacity to lend an ear. For the times when people have said, "You should be a counselor." Or thanked me. There were times when it was my own boss who said those words.

I felt good. Not a proud good, but a good feeling. I don't have tons of money, I don't have a lot of time. But I do have ears that can listen, empathize; a heart that can weep and encourage. 

To be able to give that away should be a blessing, not a curse. Today I am remaining thankful for that gift. 

There are parts of me that are good, but I've stuffed them down and rejected them and I'm not sure why. As much as I'd love to lose weight, be skinny and have the physical attributes I desire, I also want to find myself in the process. There are these small glimmers of hope that I can do that. I am ready to do that.

Joy First

I have cute sheets and a fluffy, cozy comforter.

Filtered water.

Healthy children.

A cold beer.

Burgers on the grill.

Air conditioning in my home.

A house full of things (that I might look at as clutter).

A job.

I have a lot to be thankful for and today I am choosing to focus on that.

Or... at least for this hour I am. :)

I Have No Friends

That doesn't sound good.
But it is true.

I really don't.

I have my husband, who I tell most everything to. There are positives and negatives to that. Positive, because we are close and I at least have one person to vent to. Negative because I start to see him as a girlfriend and not a husband.

I guess on the outside you would think I have a lot of friends. I have people I see regularly. I'm friendly, know people almost everywhere I go, can talk with almost everyone there is. Yet, when I have a moment when I want to pick up the phone, call someone and cry-- there's nobody to call.

I'm sure this is a burden for my husband, too. So as much as I wish I didn't have to talk to him about things, I'm sure he wishes the same, too. To some extent. Some of it (a lot really) is parenting stuff, which is good to discuss with your spouse.

My mother is there 50% of the time. If I call and really really need to vent to her, she'll listen. She'll be there. But she can be hot and cold about it. She's moved away, and phone conversations are nothing like face-to-face.

It's a sick position to be in. I feel entirely alone, even though there are people all around me.

I've lost a few pounds.

Yay.

Ask me if I care. I do. I care. It would just be more discouragement if the scale were going up instead of slightly leaning downward. So that's a HUGE positive. I have so much discouragement in my life right now that I don't really need more.

If you've read this at all you'd know that I have ups and downs and fight depression a lot. This is one of those times. This is a time where I'd love to hole up with a bottle, pills or something and go into a coma for about a month.

Finances.
Family.
Fatness.
Hair.
Fears.
Friends.
(And lack thereof.)

I guess along with blessings come pain and trials. My finances are horrible. We can't keep up. School costs, food, gas, bills, cars... they are engulfing us. My husband will work extra just to make ends meet. Surely we aren't alone in that. I feel like a widow, going through all of this alone. I'm thankful for him taking on extra work, but I'm paralyzed by the overwhelming task of doing everything else.

It's not a good day today. My goal is to keep my head up. Period. That's it. To not jump off a cliff. To grasp the positive with bloody fingers, and not let it slip out of my hands.

I have family to worry about, kids to feed. A body of abundance, well fed and nourished. A car to drive to the store. A stove to cook dinner on. A bed to sleep in, washer to clean our clothes. Lotion to put on my dry skin. My mother is alive. 

My blessings are bountiful. My blessings are bountiful. My blessings... bountiful.

291 - Contemplating the Ups and Downs

I saw this and it hit home. Made sense.

PRIORFATGIRL:

One moment, I’m holding my head high, confident that healthiness is about how I feel. Healthiness is about balance, about life. Healthiness is about how I feel, not what I weigh.

And then, the next moment, I find myself struggling to embrace who I am in my own body. Struggling to love myself for who I am, not the weight I gained.

What is healthy living and living healthy?

When you’re up, you’re up and when you’re down, you’re down.

When you’re up, you feel like you have figured it out.

When you’re down, you feel like you’ll never get there.

When you’re up, you make eye contact and stand proud.

When you’re down, you compare and retreat.

What is an up without a down.

 Very true. Right now, today, this moment, I'm on an UP. I feel good, I'm motivated. I'm tired of how my clothes feel. I've had 3 good days of eating and tracking. My weigh-in says I've lost 2 pounds. Great. Good. Love it.

One thing I know though, is that no matter if I'm UP or DOWN, I'm thinking about food. My life revolves around it. Does that ever change? If you're an emotional eater, does life ever stop revolving around your (addiction to) food? Right now I have some simple go-to foods that I've eating on a rotating basis, basically just to keep my calories where I want them. Even though they aren't special or spectacular, I'm still finding I'm thinking about the food. Not obsessively, but probably more than I should. I'm forced to think because I'm tracking it, too.

As I read the above blog, though, I had a two-sided reaction.


My first reaction was ahead hanging knowledge of the roller coaster, the ups and downs and in betweens. How when you're UP you can't imagine being anything but, and when you're DOWN you so badly want the magic, the feeling of being UP. I don't know what it is that triggers those times when I'm motivated and all is going well, and what is missing when I'm not.

Find that, and I bet you've got the golden ticket for a LOT of fat people. How many people have you seen lose weight, perform complete transformations on their body, only to gain it back again. How can you go from 400 pounds to 190 and then back to 400+ pounds? I mean, it's slow. It happens, you have to notice, right?

Seems almost akin to fighting a cancer that just wants to be in your body. If your body just wants to get fat again, it will trick your every being into getting there. It will cut you at the soul, remove resistance, and push you back where you were. No matter the humiliation, no matter the tears, no matter how bad you want it - it WILL get you there (see WLS patients who have gone back to their HW and then some... what gives?).

My second reaction was the realization that I can have joy at 294 pounds. I truly can. Maybe I can't have the activities and the body in clothes that other people have, but I can have joy. I've found ways to be happy that come from other sources besides my physical being. That is truly important. Disconnecting the failure and success of my life and its joy source to the state of my body. Praise God for that. People with less mobility than myself are happy. Truly happy. People larger than myself are happy -- just as happy as the 105 pound marathon-running triathlete. Some even more so.

There are people that would look at my fat, happy newlywed friends and think, if only they were healthier and thinner. But if they shut off their own inner stigma, they might notice they ARE HAPPY, and having the TIME OF THEIR LIFE.

In no way am I disputing that having a smaller body can't or won't increase my joy base. I'm sure it would. But I'm also encouraged by people who find joy no matter their circumstance. Love the body you are in, accepting it.

My personal comfort in my body isn't where I'd like it to be right now. I'm at about 60% capacity. I think, with some weight loss, I could be at 80%, and that would bring me 20% more joy.