Motivation... Why Hello, There You Are

I thought I'd lost my motivation.
I don't know why. Brain playing tricks on me.

I had a very busy couple of weeks, and here we are in the space between Thanksgiving and Christmas. What I was expecting, I don't know.

A few days I've been too busy to track my food, and that's a tool that has proven useful for me. It is useful because it is a strong indicator of what I've taking into my body, and it holds me accountable. I'm realizing that the daily tracking carries over to help me on my days where I am unable to.

The more I track, the more I educate myself and reinforce the boundaries of what exactly my body needs to function, to lose, and what is too much.

What gets hard for me is when I lose that "crutch" and have to kind of wander the wilderness without it. It frustrates me a bit, and plays with my head.

The days I'm so busy that my tracking can't be done - or isn't perfection - leave me feeling like it was a fail day. If I'm on vacation and can't get to a place where they have internet so I can track my foods - I have my own mini breakdown (on the inside). I am out of sorts without my SparkPeople. Why oh why can't there be an app that can run without internet?

So far I haven't completely blown it. But I teeter just a bit. I can feel it. I don't like that I'm so married to an app. I really don't. But... some people are married to the gym and if they don't hit that (bike/weights/treadmill) they feel incomplete. It isn't just that feeling of being incomplete for me, it is more the concern that that feeling will lead me into a pitfall.

It is the one sip for the alcoholic.
The one flirt for the incurable cheater.
The sneaked cigarette for the smoker.

Right now (and maybe forever or a very long time), I need to be accountable. I know my weaknesses, and I know that tracking my food has been IMPLEMENTAL in my weight loss. I'm not saying I like it, enjoy it, or hope to do it foreverandever. I like to dream that someday I will just know my limits. That might just be dreaming.

I also know that my strict black-and-white policies that I set for myself don't allow for a lot of wiggle room, and are also probably not the healthiest approach at all times. One bad day doesn't have to be a set up for a bad weekend or week. I am learning that. Or I am able to cope a bit better at that. I am able to cope a bit better with not losing one week. Mainly that is because right now I'm so freaking happy with the fact that I'm in a better place than I was.

Today I weighed myself and I had to repeat it because I was at 274. I often weigh back in on Wednesday and sometimes Friday. At any rate, I hope that sticks. I'd love to hit 269 in the next month. It won't be easy with all the eating and gatherings to go to, but we shall see. Again, this is why I'm semi-happy with just maintaining. Most people (including myself) expect to gain over the holidays.

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