I'm Not The Fattest One In The Room

The other weekend we went to a sporting event for the kids. It was nice, we had a good time. As I walked around the gym, I noticed two ladies that were rather large. I guessed them to be about 300 or more pounds.

They are me. I remember that. It wasn't exactly like looking in the mirror, but looking into a time capsule from when I was that large. I'm still large, and my head doesn't let me feel like I'm that far from that size. But I had to remind myself that that wasn't me anymore.

That was me.

I'm still myself.

I'm just not that large anymore.

But I've got the same head.

I really shouldn't think that much when looking at someone else, but I did. I deducted that I was not the largest woman in the room anymore.

Even though I'm over 250 pounds, I'm wasn't the largest woman there.

I don't think these things all the time, and not as much as I used to. I'm still, often enough, the largest woman in a group of women. But not like I used to be. I'm creeping closer and closer to having lost 100 pounds, even though it doesn't seem possible that I've done that. It really does not.

Even when I remind myself that I've lost 70 pounds, it doesn't seem possible, or real. I don't identify much with that 338 pound woman I used to be. She's been gone for a while. At some point, though, I hope to be 100 pounds down from that 295 pound woman. I know her well.


My husband and I are about the same weight. In fact, he might be - for the first time in a long, long time - more than me. I really want to make a nice gap between our weights. That's a mini personal goal for me. My son asked the other day, "Mom, you don't weigh as much as dad, do you?" And for the first time I could tell him "no" and not be lying.

I think that because I'm still quite a hefty girl, I don't really "get" where I am right now, or feel like I've made a major accomplishment quite yet. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy, I'm feeling very blessed to be seeing the numbers I'm seeing on the scale. But I just am not there yet.

Seeing the scale in the 250s is amazing. I can't wait to see the 240s. I think what will be HUGE for me is a 220-anything. That will be HUGE. I think the 230s will be huge. Shoot, the 240s will be unbelievable.

I can't believe where I am now, and that it might be possible to drop lower. I really can't.


Lori said...

I have a hard time with my perception of myself as well. I don't think I ever realized quite how big I was when I started this journey. I also don't think I had an accurate idea of my size when I was 20 lbs from goal last year. I still felt fat. Perhaps that is the problem for me, maybe I need to get a reality check.

Good for you for getting below the hubs. That was one of my goals as well. I even told him that he had to make sure that he stayed bigger than me, even if I regained. He did not agree. LOL!

Bonita Gordita said...

It makes me sad to think of how big I was, Lori. It's not just a physical journey, is it?