Post Weigh In Droppage

Out of a whim, I got on the scale this morning:  285

Interesting.  I'd love to change my official weigh-in to that number, but I'm going to wait and hope and pray it sticks (or drops even more) by next Wednesday.  Motivation.

It was an exciting number to see, but I'll be nervous a bit until it's official.

Strangely, my husband asked me if I'd lost weight.  It makes no sense because weight loss doesn't show up on a fat person that quickly.  I think he might have been trying to make me feel good.  I don't really care either way - I know my pants feel a little better.  Maybe it's wheat bloat.  What will be good is if I can keep that number or drop by next week because, right now, I don't feel like how I've been eating is unmanageable in the long run.  My bigger fear is that it's not enough and I'd have to drop even more, which I'm not sure would be manageable.

So I'm going to work on continuing a similar course of action and see what the next week brings me.  I've also been going through my food journals from a few years back to see what my patterns were.

250.8

Last time I was 251 on the button.

I didn't expect to be anywhere but up, so I'll take it. I think there's a good chance I'll be below 250 by the end of June if I don't lose my head. I've got about 10 days to keep it together.

I've been sluggish all week, but trying to keep my activity up. Yesterday after getting off work I FORCED myself to go for a walk before getting too comfortable at home.

I took a nice, long walk (my walks have gone from 20 minutes to 30 minutes and now to 40 minutes to be considered a real walk). I didn't listen to headphones, I just went. It was nice out, but warm. I relished each patch of shade, each breeze. It was like honey.

I went for one more quick walk again last night (20 minutes) after it cooled off. It's nice to go for a walk because I want to, because it feels good, rather than for torture in the name of exercise.

My Fitbit topped out at 12,000-something steps, which was good.

Today I got up, got the kids ready to go do their things, and told myself I was going to the gym.

NEVER DO I WANT TO GO TO THE GYM.

Just want to make sure that's clear if it hasn't already been made so. *grin*

My plan got thwarted and I ended up talking myself out of gym time. Instead I went on a bike ride that burned a hole through my lungs and set my throat on fire. First bike ride of the season and I literally had to pray for strength on each hill.

It was a good workout.

I hadn't eaten, though, before it - so maybe that's why I felt kind of tanked? But I do notice with my low carb diet I don't get that shaky I-need-a-snack bull-ony that I used to get when I'd work out.

I still feel like I could use a cool down walk or something, I don't know. Or maybe I'm just antsy today. A little of both. I might wait until the weather cools down a bit and go for a walk. I might not. The power of choice. I've been contemplating biking to work, but I just don't know.

All in all, I'm hanging in here. I realized yesterday that I might not be losing at the rate I'd like, but I am losing. And even if I weren't, I'm maintaining my loss. Maintenance is no joke, either. I wasn't sure I'd get to where I am. It's been so slow, but somewhat steady. I sure wish it were faster. But this is my body, and I continue to hope that slow means permanent. That slow means I'm adjusting and adapting, and my body is ready to make this the new me.

This also means that, at the rate I'm going, I'll only be 10 more pounds down this fall (240), and I really wanted to lose 100 pounds by the time the kids go back to school (238). That's only 2 pounds off. My "real goal" was to get to 228. I just wanted to get past that 100 pound hump decisively. I really hope I can do it.

I feel like hitting the 250s was a new chapter for me, and getting below that 100 pound mark will be as well. Then getting below the 200s. Then maintaining.

By this time next year I should be into maintenance, right?

It's All A Psychological Game

I was contemplating taking down my last post. There's a guilt feeling in the pit of my stomach for being so negative and probably for being honest, too.

But these are the things that are troubling me, and the things I need to deal with head on if I'm going to keep swimming by.

There's always going to be something. Primarily I need to get over the fact that I CAN'T CONTROL THE WORLD.

I can't control my kids.
I can't control my friends.
I can't control the outcome of sticky situations.
I can't control the my husband's reactions.
I can't control the weather.

There's a million and one things in the world that I can't control, and only one that I can.

MYSELF.

Big newsflash, eh? I know. I know. Stating the obvious. But I really need to work on this if I'm going to set things straight. I think part of the reason I get so disappointed in life is that I live in fear of too many things. That fear shouldn't control me.

I fear for my kid's future.
I fear for my friends.
I fear situations that are sad, scary.
I fear a life of a mediocre marriage.

I let myself believe I have some sort of control over things (if I do this, that will happen - if I say this maybe I'll get the result I want). Some of it is control-based, and some of it is slightly OCD based. Neither one is healthy or good. I realize part of it is just who I am, but I don't have to have it everything I am - and those are the times when I'm least happy.

I read a lot of devotionals today, and tried to get inside myself a bit. Tried to loosen the reigns on things. Disappointments. Being so disappointed in everyone else, when it is only myself who I can change, and who is probably disappointing me the most.

I don't want to be remembered as an miserable, angry mom/neighbor/friend. That's not uplifting to anyone else and certainly doesn't help me live with myself. That anger and frustration I feel just spills over in me trying to fix everyone else, I guess. Me, trying to have everyone else make up for deficits that I feel.

For the most part.

I don't want to poo-poo my marriage and some of the things going on with that. It isn't all roses for everyone, and there are definite struggles. It is a struggle for me. It has been off and on for a long time. To not admit that would be stupid. I think those feelings boil over into other areas of my life, too. It sucks, but it is there and it will be there if I lose weight or stay the same.

All of it will.

Except I'll be fat and unhappy, and staring at my closet again crying instead of just grabbing pants and pulling them on.

Today is better than where I was. I need to stay on track and remember that 6 months from now could be even more glorious if I trust and continue and not give up.

It's stay the same or keep moving, right?

My Last Post Was Almost A Month Ago

Sigh.

I suppose it is bound to happen. Stalls. Gains. Bumps, Fall-offs. Slips.

I don't know what you'd call what is happening to me, but I'd label it as something that started with a stall out at 252, and has been frustrating ever since.

It's been a month and nothing is changing. I've hovered between 252 and 254, but I don't want to hover. Hovering, at this stage in the game, will lead to eventual gaining weight. I need to continue to lose or the frustration and emotions will set in, and I'm not ready to deal with that right now.

I can think of reasons I may be stalling:

• alcohol
• lack of intentional movement
• artificial sweeteners

I can think of reasons I should be losing:

• staying within my calorie range
• more movement than normal

I guess I have to remove some of the reasons from the "why I might be stalling" category before I can rightfully complain.

So, here I go - putting myself on one of those 7-day jump starts on one of the worst weeks to be pulling reigns in.

Rarely is there a solid week that is a "good" week to do it, especially in summer. This week we have a graduation, I have my girl's night out, and Father's Day. Three "difficulty" days that could introduce alcohol and artificial sweeteners.

To be fair to myself, I will allow myself two drinks on each of those days, and allow myself artificial sweetener with the drinks. But remind me, then, that I can't start crying like a injured baby when/if the scale doesn't move next week. REMIND ME.

I also need to get to the gym, or get moving outside. I'll be honest, I haven't gone to the gym in two months. As much as it always seems to stall me out, I really don't want to stay where I am. So I've been contemplating getting back there, if only for two days a week. I'm not a big Gym Freak, and I don't think it is a necessity to lose weight, but I think there is a mentality that goes along with getting your but in the gym. It's mental.

Would two days on the treadmill kill me?

I really wanted to leave June lower than 250, and I'm not certain I can do that. But I need to, for my own brain. Please help me.

My goal for this week (and I WILL be back here to hold myself accountable):

• 2 times at the gym 
• stay within calories 6 out of 7 days no, 7 out of 7 - quit compromising, BG
• at least 5000 steps on my step tracker each day
• exercise at least three times this week
• stay off the artificial sweeteners (Atkins bars, candies, etc. - need to retrain my taste buds)

As much as it feels like I'm torturing myself, I have to remember how awesomelyFREAKINGgood it has been feeling to fit well into clothes, feel them getting looser, see my face melting. 

That

is 

better

than

sitting

around

or

aspartame

or

malitol

or

getting tipsy

or

stuffing my face

has

ever

ever

ever

felt

100 POUNDS IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER

I'm Not The Fattest One In The Room

The other weekend we went to a sporting event for the kids. It was nice, we had a good time. As I walked around the gym, I noticed two ladies that were rather large. I guessed them to be about 300 or more pounds.

They are me. I remember that. It wasn't exactly like looking in the mirror, but looking into a time capsule from when I was that large. I'm still large, and my head doesn't let me feel like I'm that far from that size. But I had to remind myself that that wasn't me anymore.

That was me.

I'm still myself.

I'm just not that large anymore.

But I've got the same head.

I really shouldn't think that much when looking at someone else, but I did. I deducted that I was not the largest woman in the room anymore.

Even though I'm over 250 pounds, I'm wasn't the largest woman there.

I don't think these things all the time, and not as much as I used to. I'm still, often enough, the largest woman in a group of women. But not like I used to be. I'm creeping closer and closer to having lost 100 pounds, even though it doesn't seem possible that I've done that. It really does not.

Even when I remind myself that I've lost 70 pounds, it doesn't seem possible, or real. I don't identify much with that 338 pound woman I used to be. She's been gone for a while. At some point, though, I hope to be 100 pounds down from that 295 pound woman. I know her well.

_____________________________________

My husband and I are about the same weight. In fact, he might be - for the first time in a long, long time - more than me. I really want to make a nice gap between our weights. That's a mini personal goal for me. My son asked the other day, "Mom, you don't weigh as much as dad, do you?" And for the first time I could tell him "no" and not be lying.

I think that because I'm still quite a hefty girl, I don't really "get" where I am right now, or feel like I've made a major accomplishment quite yet. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy, I'm feeling very blessed to be seeing the numbers I'm seeing on the scale. But I just am not there yet.

Seeing the scale in the 250s is amazing. I can't wait to see the 240s. I think what will be HUGE for me is a 220-anything. That will be HUGE. I think the 230s will be huge. Shoot, the 240s will be unbelievable.

I can't believe where I am now, and that it might be possible to drop lower. I really can't.

Day 10 Of 11 Day Challenge... Still On Task

Two more days of this 11 Day Challenge. I (almost) made it. One more day. After today. Ha. I have a day off today, so I have a little more time to reflect on this challenge and might not tomorrow.

Here's what I said:

I came in January 2013 at 272 and I will be frustrated with myself if I leave at that weight, or can't get below 270. I probably shouldn't hold myself to such a hard degree, but I need to see some progress in myself or I am concerned frustration will set in.

I've done pretty good. I've stayed tight to my calorie limits, I've lost weight, and completely cleared 270. I feel good about things. I'd call that a success. I'm leaving January and I'm leaving the 270s. Hoo-rah, hoo-rah. It really does feel good to be looking at a goal beyond breaking 270 now.

It hasn't been easy this week, especially yesterday. After I weighed in Monday, I realized I was getting my monthly frienemy (aka "period"). It was early. I wasn't expecting it.

Tuesday I was ready to pour chocolate on my car tires and eat them. I get that desperate. I plugged in my calories for the day heading into dinner and realized my dinner was going to cost me. I needed to recaculate things to allow for more food and less calories. So, instead of the mexican gumbo bowls (pork, rice, chips, cheese - yummy), I had to settle for something vegetable-laden and bulky. Something to fill me up more for less.

I made a broccoli salad. It is 150 calories per serving and I ate two servings, topped with 2 servings of fake crab meat (140 calories). So my dinner capped out at 440 calories (verses about 600 with what I originally planned). It was filling and it satisfied me. It wasn't warm comfort food, but it was crunchy and savory and sweet and it worked.

It was only after I ate it that I realized I had calculated my snack wrong and had an extra 100 calories to spare. But you know what? I wasn't troubled or upset. I was proud of myself for not choosing to make an excuse (my monthly frienemy - which is a good one) to blow things. I was talking myself into it, and was close to blowing it on food, wine, and something sweet.

I didn't. I don't know why or how, but praise God, I did it. And I found a new mixture (crab and broccoli salad) that works for me. 

---

Another thing I learned over doing this challenge is that taking care of myself requires me to be somewhat selfish. It requires me to put a bit of a spotlight on mySELF. Sometimes that is uncomfortable. 

But I want to note this for myself: I can't spend all my time on everyone else. Everyone has their thing, and if you want it, you have to prioritize it. Once I get done with MYSELF, then I can focus on other things. I volunteer my time a lot, and when I wasn't working it made sense. I wasn't working and I was horribly fat. Now, I'm working and I'm trying to manage a home, and I'm trying to get to a healthier place for myself. It is OK for me to do that.

Another note: There is always time. Priorities. Everything anyone says about better health and weight loss/maintenance is true. You have to commit to it. You have to live it. You have to make it a priority. I've managed to find time to plan meals, count calories, exercise (3x per week) - only because I made it a priority. I've still paid bills, talked to people, attended my kid's events - but I've spent less time wasting on the internet, on sleeping, on eating. I can't say that every day allows for the time, but disciplining myself to get off the computer, or get off my duff, or get up a bit earlier... that's what gets me there.

I don't know what I will do after tomorrow. On comes a new month. I might allow myself a "day off" this weekend for the Super Bowl. I don't know. Today I feel good. I got up and worked out, ate a yummy breakfast... have a list of things to do, and will happily check some off. 

I will go into February at 268. I am one pound away from being half-way to my goal. I am one pound away from losing 70 pounds. Wowzy. I'd like to leave February below 264, because I aim to leave March below 260. That gives me 8 weeks to lose 8 pounds. Maybe that is my next challenge! 

Steady Goes The Girl

Still the same, 272.
It said 274 on Monday and that scared me a bit. But, I know that I often allow myself to weigh in on Monday and Wednesday. Weight can fluctuate.

Regardless of what the scale says (whoops I typed "scare" instead of "scale" at first, haha), I don't feel so great. It might be hormones since it was that TOTM last week. Or hormonal release, I don't know for sure.

I've been eating OK. After Monday's shocker, I forced myself to stay w/in my calories for the 2 days between and I did. It isn't always easy. Last night I just brushed my teeth and went to bed. No seconds, though my habits wanted me to dig in for more... for something.

I realize having chocolate around, or some sweet is a good thing for me. I like my treat. If I can have a chocolate square, I can be OK.

I started incorporating walks again. For a while I wasn't, but I need them. I am just looking at a minimum of 3x per week. I don't want to overdo it on myself, but my body craves the movement, it isn't bad for me, and I'm setting a pretty low bar.

I also reallyreally want to lose this next 10 pounds. I want to get below 270 so freaking bad. I want to hit the 259 mark incredibly bad. I haven't been there in a long, long time.

My clothes are still comfortable, but not loose. That's another non-scale goal for me. I want to need some new clothing. I'm not there yet, though.

I'm going slow and steady, but I'm still going steady. I'd love to say that through spring, through summer, and back into fall and winter again. That's something else I haven't done - stay with it for the long haul. I need to do this for myself.

I need to prove to myself that I can break my own barrier and get out of those 260s for once and for all. I might even be satisfied with that in itself, I don't really know right now.

My roadblocks are stress and fear.

Stress and needing the "easier" route. And fear of a saggy-skinned stomach, not being able to do anything about it (surgery), and having it flopping around, impeding my daily life and fitness goals.

That is one of my other challenges to myself: call my insurance, see if they cover such a thing. I know it is a weird fear to have, but if I know what I'm up against, then I can figure my way around it. I have to admit to myself that wearing a skin apron isn't necessarily going to be my future, if I continue to lose weight.

I don't want surgery. I fear surgery. But I also fear having this skin hanging to my knees. It makes me want to cry thinking about it.

Eating My Vegetables

Hello.

I'm doing well. Maintaining within a few pound range. Not really lost anything for January, but not gained anything significant, either.

Well, except some more notches in the tool belt of positive thinking.

I have struggled. I have not journaled my food. But I maintained. Simple focus on the positive kept me from slingshotting into abandoned weight gain last month. Interesting. But, I do feel I need to kick it up a notch this month. Add a new twist, bring in a new element. Choices:

• Journal food and exercise
• Return to counting calories
• Exercise at least 3 times a week
• Counting calories and staying within a specific range

None of these I particularly favor, to be honest. They are all a means of keeping myself honest. They are all time-consuming. But as I look at them, I do see that they are necessary for me to gain accountability. Journaling my food is helpful, as is journaling exercise. In a way I feel as if just simply doing that, without setting a goal for either is not much of a help. But, I have to look at things in a different light. In a long-term light. In a way of changing and refocusing. 

So, my goal for the month, on top of viewing the positives, will be to journal everything I eat and journal what I do for exercise. No goals in mind, but simple reflection. That step is a gentle nudge into the next level of counting calories (and probably staying within a range) - we'll see. 

I am pleased that I've been able to stop the scale. I felt good when I woke up and sweated things out this morning. I'd like to get to a place where I were moving more. I'll get there.

Oh - and I've been clearing my head a bit more. Meditating, I guess you would say. But clearing my head, allowing myself to just be and not think. Too often I'm constantly churning, thinking, planning, assessing, ruminating over something-- anything, at all times. My brain needs rest, desperately. I need to allow for that.

Today I beefed up my menu with veggies. I'm not saying I could do that every day, but for two meals I added 1 cup of mixed (frozen) vegetables to my meal. For instance, for dinner I had Lean Cuisine Chicken Masala. I mixed in 1 cup of veggies in there. I think it "cost" me 80 calories or so. But, it also filled me up. It didn't change the flavor, or leave me feeling deprived - it did the opposite. It filled me up and I was less hungry today. Realistically I could do this more often, but not always. 

Well Hello

Last time I checked in I was 272 pounds. Prior to that, I was 277. The holidays I let my hair down a bit, indulged in cookies and the like, and paid the price.

Three months later, I'm back to my lowest weight. Again.

And I'm ready to rock and roll.

It's hard not to look at time past and kick myself for not staying on track. I could have been under 250 right now, had I stayed the course. Assumably. But, then also, I could have been topping 300 again. Either way, I could have gone.

One year ago I was 293 pounds. I'm almost down 30 from that one year later. If I can be down 30 from here a year from now and hold it - that is a victory.

What delights me is that my body came back down to where it was before. The maintaining of that weight for a while seemed to make it my new "normal" for weight. I didn't so much concentrate on what I was doing to lose weight, but I snipped out the bad practices of the holidays, and the weight came off. I guess.

I'm back to tracking on Spark. Right now my calorie range is to eat between 1630 and 1980 calories per day. Honestly, that seems a little low to me. But, since I've gone down, so has my calorie allowance. I've always tried to eat on the high end of the calorie range. As long as I lose weight, that's fine. The more I can have, the happier I am. Heh.

I've done pretty well the past few days with eating. Not so great with exercising, though. Have to get back into that. One step at a time, though.

First goal: 257. I'd like to get there by the end of May.

One Day At A Time

I feel a bit better because I stepped on the scale for weigh-in and it said 272. Whew. Sigh of relief, but in no way am I out of any danger zone yet.

I need to figure a way to keep exercise and eating healthy a priority, even with a busy schedule. My hours at my job have increased, leaving me less "me" time, which actually isn't good. But it IS good financially (another area of struggle). I need to learn to accommodate, adjust and be more flexible instead of always thinking on how I can change things. That would be more productive.

I managed a walk yesterday, but I don't think I managed to stay within my calorie range. Today I plan to journal everything (something that inevitably helps), and stay below my range.

Wish me luck. And good luck to you!!!

Holding

I'm holding. Still fluxing between 266 and 267ish. Not too bad. I guess maintaining for a bit isn't horrible, but still I'd be happy with another 10 pounds gone. Would like to see the other side of 250 before the end of the year. Seems easy enough, but whatever ball was rolling before seems to have slowed down a bit. Thank goodness I'm not rolling backwards, packing on the pounds. I can be grateful for that.

Balancing between trying to be thrifty and healthy is delicate. Cooking meals for growing boys, while being creative with the pantry doesn't always allow me the time to run back to SparkPeople and plug it in the recipe calculator. My best bet right now is to try my darndest to remember portion sizes and stick to them.

Dragging out the winter clothes reminded me of the changes in my body.

Meeting up with the girls for semi-monthly bookclub reminds me of the changes in my body. I get complimented every time, which reinforces the fact that I've lost weight. I forget, you know. I see it in my saggy skin and feel it in my clothes, but forget it in my mind because it is still my body.

Ten pounds would feel better. Ten pounds. Can I tackle that?

Not a Plateau

I wouldn't say I'm at a plateau, but I have maintained my weight this week. A plateau would mean that, despite my continued weight-loss efforts, my body refuses to lose weight. I can not say that I was entirely diligent in the weight-loss effort department this week. And that's OK. Maybe subconsciously I need a bit of a break.

I went to lunch with one of my bosses this week. I don't normally do that, even though the opportunity is constantly there. I work in an office of people who love to do lunch. Lunch out of the office or take-out brought into the office, doesn't matter. 99.9% of the time I turn down lunch offers. I always have. Be it money or me watching what I eat, or the fact that I'm working and need to get things done. Last week, though, came to a point of You Can't Refuse The Boss. So I didn't. My resistance was down anyway. It was an excuse not to work on a slow day, it was dinner on the boss, and I like my boss.

And I like food, not to mention.

So I went. Ate reasonable. Enjoyed it. Moved on. Saved my Lean Cuisine for another day.

There's no way I can make it practice, of coarse, or it would be a sabotage of my good habits.

But last week was filled with experiences somewhat like that. Two weeks of this is not good, as far as losing weight goes. I'm tickled to have lost last week and maintained this week, but time has come to gather the discipline despite the food-eating opportunities that summer brings. The heat has been an unfortunate factor for me, too. I haven't gone on the walks I normally do.

So my goal for this next week will be to journal my food every single day and to exercise. Pretty simple. All of this, of coarse, to see the needle on the scale bob a bit lower, which is the whole point of things right now. I'm ready to be out of my 26 pants, feel them getting looser.

It is a delicate balance of motivating myself to move on, but being in tune enough to know not to push to much. Technically, I should be able to stay at 266 for a year. 266 is better than 298, which is better than 338. Using that broader perspective, I am at a better place than I've been in years. I don't want to push myself so much that I throw in the towel.

So we'll see. My hope is continued weight loss. But bigger picture I don't ever want to be back where I was at 298.

I Feel Great

I weighed myself and I'm 270. But I'm not going to change the weigh-in from before, because I'm pretty well convinced I'm going to get there within the next week or so. If I don't, then I'll reluctantly change it and suck it up. But I really think I pop a Dulcolax (ahem) and make it to 269. Sorry if that's grouse, but hey.

I've been doing OK, actually. I was a little worried there for a bit because I wasn't journaling or exercising at all (after I got the stomach flu). I thought, Oh here we go... motivation gone, to return whenever? But it didn't turn out to be that way, thankfully.

Right now I'm about 30 pounds down from my February weight and I feel good. I feel great, actually. My highest weight was 338. I was buying my clothes online and had gone beyond the normal accommodations for a fat person. No longer able to buy pants in the store, hard time fitting into chairs and stalls. After getting down to 298 and riding around there for a while, I was teetering on feeling more normal, but still finding myself the largest person in the room, and feeling huge.

Now, at 270/269 I feel much more "normal" in my body. I can shop off the rack. I fit in chairs better.

[digression]

Today I was called into my boss's office and asked to take a seat for a quick conference. Normally I'd perch on the edge of the seat because the armrests were too narrow for me, rather than appear like a pig stuck in the fence, taking notes. For no reason, though, today I slid right back, utilizing the armrests.

What?!

Yeah, baby, yeah.

[/digression]

It's definitely not the end of the road, my goal, or where I want to be. I was wondering today if I could hang out here comfortably for a while, maintain, and let my body settle. I worry too much weight loss is setting myself up for disaster. But I'm not quite ready to maintain at this point. Maybe another 20 pounds and I'll hold that for a couple months. We'll see. I don't really know.

I am finding that I'm still somewhat frightened of losing weight. As much as I enjoy being able to fit into the clothes I have (gosh it feels fabulous), I'm still scared. I'm super excited, though, to have the scale dip below 250. That will be exciting. 238, 100-pounds down will be pee-my-pants hoorah. It will also probably be quite a while, though, because I'm enjoying summer and all of the fun foods, drinks BBQs, sporting events, all that good stuff.

...

On another note, I walked 3 miles yesterday and almost 2 today. I love that I have more energy.

Ups and Downs

I was sick with the stomach flu, which knocked me down to 269. After I regained my health again, I went back to 270. I'll weigh myself next week to see where I'm falling.

I've also been doing some fun summery things lately, which is great for the spirit, but not always so good for my eating. I can't pre-pack a lunch where the calories are all accounted for when we hit a baseball game, or picnick with friends. I have to just allow myself to either skip counting that day or try to figure it out later. I watch my portions. Normally I'd be going for walks, but it is so hot out that my walking has been decreased. Knowing this, I have to figure out what I will do to ensure I don't explode.

But the great thing is, I met up with some of my lady friends last night and one kept commenting on how good I looked and how I'd lost weight. It was validating. Because the week before I about murdered my husband.

We met up with some of his old work friends for a little tailgaiting and a game. I was feeling pretty good, my clothes fitting nicely, hadn't seen them for a while. Surely they'd notice, right?

Never assume.

We get there, say our hellos, huggy, huggy. My man trails in behind me and that's when our friends start in. Man, you have lost weight!!! Wow. You look great, dude. You've really slimmed down. I literally wanted to step back a few yards, get down low, sweep my foot out behind me and snort a few times before I ran at the group and knocked them all off of their little chairs and coolers. And then do it again. And then barrel over my husband.

It was like that. No. He's not been struggling, journaling, denying of self, weighing in, sacrificing. No, no. His wife is just doing that. He just loses weight because of it.

But I can't concentrate on it too much or my blood boils.

So instead I think on the gathering with my girlfriends last night and the multiple compliments from one of the ladies, questions on how I was doing it. And THEN, a few days ago, I saw an old friend who lives miles away who I hadn't seen for a year and she kept telling me how great I looked. How much she noticed I had lost weight. God love both of them for noticing.

With my husband's work friends, bless their hearts, but they're all kind of centered around my husband. I'm just part of the package. So honestly, I wasn't surprised that they didn't notice anything different with me. With MY friends, they're so sweet, and they noticed because they notice me.

At any rate, that's better than what the scale is telling me. And it is motivation to continue the slow, but sure progress that being intentional, holding myself accountable (with journaling) brings.

Oh, I'm Still Kickin'

I suppose after my last post it might be assumed I jumped off the wagon and into a warm vat of gooey chocolate. With caramel. Pecans, extra please... oh, and vanilla custard. Whipped cream. And a cherry.

Wha-- Huh?

I'm sorry, was I drooling?

One of those days, I guess. :)

Thanks for the sweet, supportive comments in that last post. I'm still dealing with the stress. Trying not to eat/drink it away/pill-pop it away. I sure wish I'd be one of those freak people who exercise or clean like a nut when they're stressed out, rather than turn to food. At least it's productive. I like to drink sometimes, but wouldn't want to be drunk 24/7, so that is good. The pills, I'm scared of getting addicted to, and they apparently have a decent street value because of their ability to charm.

So I'm working on walking on the sidewalk, not the curb, and definitely not right down the middle of the street waiting to get hit. There are times when I don't know how I do it, but taking it day by day helps. And then it messes you all up, too. But whatever. I'm not trying to be all pity party me, "I've got stress" woo-hoo. It is what it is. I realize the whole world out there has pains of its own. Mine are not unique. Maybe I will get into it more sometime, maybe not.

The good news is: I LOST 2 MORE POUNDS!!!

I'm not entirely sure how it happened, really, but I guess even when I'm pigging out now it isn't to the level of pigging out from a few months ago, and, for the most part I'm eating within my boundaries. It was scary there for a few days, though, because I wasn't sure if I was taking a one-way trip off the wagon or what.

My body has settled pretty well where I am. I could, technically stay here for a good year, letting my body adjust. But I think I really would rather sit at about 250-something, or below, then what I'm at right now. I don't feel like stopping just yet. I'm slow, but somewhat steady. My pace allows me some mess-ups, but not too many. Today I'm kind of taking one, and maybe tomorrow. Graduation parties, end-of-year stuff... we'll see, though. We'll see.

One thing I have to say, though, that bugs the living bagoodles out of me is that my husband is now pulling his belt a couple notches tighter. His pants are looser (looser than mine are). He has visibly lost weight, no questions about it. No waiting for people to ask, "Have you lost weight?!" No fat-blogging, calorie-counting. Nothing. This happens, literally EVERY time I am being conscious of my eating and working towards being healthier.

When I say it bugs the living bagoodles out of me, I mean you could take each one of those letters, pretend they are glass, and smash them on the ground screaming, and that might equal the frustration that I feel when this happens. And I poo-poo you not, it happens EVERY TIME. I don't know why it happens either, but it's not fair and it needs to stop.

274

I don't feel like it was the best week for me. It was my period week, which never helps. I had an insatiable, literally, desire for sweets, and an almost equal need to constantly eat. It is amazing I made it out of the past week alive. On top of that, there were family stresses galore (negative), and social outings (positive). All things that could have sent me spiraling into a food coma.

We had friends over Friday. As usual, out came the drinks, cheeses and munchies. My favorite was the brie, second the hummus, and I feasted on them both. The next day was a grill out at the cousins. I did well during dinner (turkey burger, a couple chips), but overdid it later by chomping on chocolates and potato chips (don't ask). The next day was BBQ at the inlaws. I snarfed salad early to fill up my stomach, skipped the chips and beer, but indulged in the ice cream cake dessert. Compromises.

BUT...

Prior to going to the inlaws yesterday I WENT ON A 5.8-MILE BIKE RIDE!!! I've been wanting to do this loop for a long, long time. It is right by our house; daily I see people tooling down the path, hearts pumping, legs cycling. I longed to do it, too.

Admittedly, I had to walk my bike up the major hill. But I did it. There was no call made to home to have someone pick me up because I couldn't make it. There was, however, a bit of humble pie eaten as a silver-haired couple rode their bikes past me as I pushed mine. Yeah. That felt really good. I told myself that someday I, too, would make it up that hill.

It took me almost an hour to complete the windy, semi-hilly ride. It is a beautiful ride. But the beauty took second seat to my huffing, puffing, leg-aching, constant "I-think-I-can" chant going on in my head. The hottest day of the year and I decide to hop on my bike for the first time to conquer a ride I've never even tried. Smart.

By the time I arrived home I was shaky, wobbly, sweating like an animal, and exhausted. It took me an hour and a cold shower to stop sweating.

But I burned over 400 calories. And I accomplished something pretty big (for me).

And, by making little tweaks to my normally abandoned eating behavior, I managed to hold my weight through a stressful, hormone-laden, socially eventful week.

Mission accomplished. Those little changes are what I will need to do all summer long to be able to hold or lose weight (I'd like to lose, obviously).

But, I saved the biggest news for last. It happened. I finally had someone ask me if I've lost weight. It was, bless her heart, my sister-in-law. She told me I looked great, said she could see it in my face, and we had a nice conversation on the struggles of weight loss.

Now I can check that goal off my list. Next goal? - 269.

This week I'm keeping away from desserts/sweets. Five days, M-F. I have to do it. I have to break myself from it for a few days.

Little Changes Everywhere

Today I am pleased that I have been able to make strides in my health, to be more intentional about my eating. I feel blessed to see visible reward for that effort. It is slow, and the changes are small. But there are changes.

Yesterday my cousin said I looked "slim" - not quite "have you lost weight" but getting close.

It'll happen.

Frustrating to me, though, is that not only has my weight spiraled out of control, but so has my house, my finances, and my life. As I continue to be thoughtful about my eating and exercise, my desire is to extend that intentionality to other areas of my life.

My cluttered house.

My sagging checkbook.

My overextended schedule.

I need to make tangible moves to change those other areas of my life so that my weight loss and health advances can continue. My cluttered house stresses me out. My bills, constantly being paid late (or forgotten), stresses me out. Having so much on my plate, too many commitments, stresses me out.

My goal over the next few months is to correct some of this. It overwhelms and depresses me. Like, seriously. I feel oppressed. I don't like it. God's purpose in my life is weighed down by fat, clutter and "things I need to do." Little changes everywhere. I need to make a clearer path for myself.