I Could Go Either Way

I'm at one of those resting points again (mentally).

I could go either way.

Up, or down.

I'm working on down, but I'm in the mental mode of visioning.

At the beginning of 2013 I was 272 pounds.

I hope by the middle of this year (June) I can be 252 pounds. I don't know if it is likely, because the pounds are having a hard time getting off again. But I'm very close. So close I can start to fantasize about it. With the way the past few weeks have gone, though, it feels like it is draaaaaaaaaaging and each pound is a miracle.

My old me starts wondering why I'm sacrificing so much for a couple pounds. I have to fight that old me away with a stick. Get back!

When my head starts those games, I have to tell it that if I keep going, I could leave the year 20 pounds heavier, or 20 pounds lighter (I've written about this before). I don't want to keep yo-yoing. The reality is I don't want to be in my 250s for life, or my 270s. So, sure, I could go back up - but eventually I'll want to get back down. It's getting harder and harder to re-lose weight. -- Or to lose it PERIOD.

I can see from some of the blogs I go to - people losing 100 pounds in a year. It just isn't me. I'd love it, but it isn't me. I have to work with what I have, as frustrating as it is.

I have to start envisioning myself 20 pounds down the line - a place where I haven't been in as long as I can remember. That would put me at 100 pounds down, which is a HUGE GOAL OF MINE. It's almost like a lottery win, because there's a part of me that feels it is unattainable. That the hard of it will be too hard.

There's no reason I can't do it, even slow and steady.

For two months now I've been eating lower carb.

In those two months I've lost 9 pounds.

Do you know some people drop that in a week of doing low carb? Oy.

I'm thrilled to have lost the weight that seemed like it was going nowhere, but I'm frustrated that it takes so long for me. It is hard not to look at those "100 pounds in a year" people and be envious, comparing myself to them a little bit. I read Escape from Obesity the other day and her continued fight to keep/drop weight, and the calorie restrictions she has - and it still isn't coming off. I know that frustration. I can't help but be concerned that if/when I hit below 200, at what cost would that be?

At what calorie restriction would I have to put myself at to be able to hold a semi-reasonable weight?

For me, it might end up being worth it to be a porker and eat more freely. It just might. I don't know, but even the difference between 250 and 290 is pretty contrasted for me. It's the quality of life that comes into play, though.

My guess is once/if I can get down about 50 more pounds, I will have to incorporate a higher level of activity to my life on a continual basis. Right now I can't seem to do that without stalling my weight loss - but maybe in time it will become part of maintenance for me.

I hope that, at this time next year, I am riding the waves of 200 or below... I have to look at the bigger picture, even if things are slow. I have to remember where I could be if I would have stuck with things longer than 9 months. If I would have lost or maintained instead of re-gaining and re-losing. That 30 pounds I've dumped and found over and over could have been 90 pounds of loss, putting me at 210 pounds. Same work, difference outcomes.

My goals for this week:

3x exercise
1 pound weight loss
enjoy myself

Weigh in on Wednesday! See you then.

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