I was contemplating taking down my last post. There's a guilt feeling in the pit of my stomach for being so negative and probably for being honest, too.
But these are the things that are troubling me, and the things I need to deal with head on if I'm going to keep swimming by.
There's always going to be something. Primarily I need to get over the fact that I CAN'T CONTROL THE WORLD.
I can't control my kids.
I can't control my friends.
I can't control the outcome of sticky situations.
I can't control the my husband's reactions.
I can't control the weather.
There's a million and one things in the world that I can't control, and only one that I can.
Big newsflash, eh? I know. I know. Stating the obvious. But I really need to work on this if I'm going to set things straight. I think part of the reason I get so disappointed in life is that I live in fear of too many things. That fear shouldn't control me.
I fear for my kid's future.
I fear for my friends.
I fear situations that are sad, scary.
I fear a life of a mediocre marriage.
I let myself believe I have some sort of control over things (if I do this, that will happen - if I say this maybe I'll get the result I want). Some of it is control-based, and some of it is slightly OCD based. Neither one is healthy or good. I realize part of it is just who I am, but I don't have to have it everything I am - and those are the times when I'm least happy.
I read a lot of devotionals today, and tried to get inside myself a bit. Tried to loosen the reigns on things. Disappointments. Being so disappointed in everyone else, when it is only myself who I can change, and who is probably disappointing me the most.
I don't want to be remembered as an miserable, angry mom/neighbor/friend. That's not uplifting to anyone else and certainly doesn't help me live with myself. That anger and frustration I feel just spills over in me trying to fix everyone else, I guess. Me, trying to have everyone else make up for deficits that I feel.
For the most part.
I don't want to poo-poo my marriage and some of the things going on with that. It isn't all roses for everyone, and there are definite struggles. It is a struggle for me. It has been off and on for a long time. To not admit that would be stupid. I think those feelings boil over into other areas of my life, too. It sucks, but it is there and it will be there if I lose weight or stay the same.
All of it will.
Except I'll be fat and unhappy, and staring at my closet again crying instead of just grabbing pants and pulling them on.
Today is better than where I was. I need to stay on track and remember that 6 months from now could be even more glorious if I trust and continue and not give up.
It's stay the same or keep moving, right?