Stress Is Not Good For The Eats

I haven't done THAT bad, really.

But, there is room for improvement.

My immediate manager was fired.  Sometimes that can be a good thing.  I won't know if it is good or bad, until I can look back on things, but it definitely creates a ripple in life.  We work very closely together to oversee a department, and though I'm not his "equal" I've always been treated as one; we were a team.

So, it's a bit scary.  The Unknown.  The Transition.  The Temporary Manager.  My interim manager is someone who transferred out of our department.  Many strengths,  and a disaster left behind.

Needless to say, it's been an interesting week.  I don't think I did stellar in the staying-on-track (with eating) department - BUT - I did stellar in the don't-quit-your-job department.  I'm hanging in there.  I'm trying to dig out whatever positives I can find (even if they aren't immediate).

I drank more beer than is permissible on a low carb diet (just one day, though), and I might pay for it on the scale tomorrow. However!  I had a highly active weekend, and a very enjoyable Mother's Day.

And I'm back at it (or was back at it) Monday.  A bit painful, but I managed to stay the course.  That's what it's all about, staying the course.

Stress can throw you off, though.  I'm definitely more tired.  I feel completely draggy, which I didn't feel last week.  I'd like that energy back, thankyouverymuch.

Weary

I'm too accustomed to bottling things up.  It's been my survival mechanism for years.  Ten years.

I know I've said we have a family member with some pretty deep issues, and that person can destroy your day with a phone call.  Similar to some of the stuff on Intervention, but with our own mix of pain and confusion.  There are times where it feels like life might be normal, and then there are the times where it is normal -- our normal -- and I feel like my insides are crying.  Everything inside is broken and sad, but I still have to plug away and walk around like a capable human being.

I swear to everything it seems like when I feel like I've got some sort of handle on things, life goes sideways for this person.  I've really gotten better at not letting it rule me, but it's unnatural.  When someone you love is in pain, drowning, it is unnatural not to try to save them, but at some point it's what you have to do.  Instinct says throw a lifesaver, jump in with all your clothes.  Reach them! Instead, you stand on the shore and watch them bob up and down, gasping for air, arms, eyes, skin reaching for you... as they kick themselves deeper into water.  Catch me if you can.

It's a dangerous game.  It wrenches your insides in directions like a roller coaster, a sickening ride. Mental illness/addiction in families turns everything so upside-down skewed sideways that if you've never dealt with it, you never understand.

I have a love/hate relationship with almost everything.

Last week when I got the dreaded call that this person was going to face some uncomfortable consequences for their continued poor decision-making, my heart sank.  My shell instantly sprang from wherever it sits semi-dormant.  I did what I could to get through the next few hours, trying not to ride on the wave of emotion that this person is addicted to.  Tears pushed inside, confused, twisted.

After there was no more for us to do, my husband and went to get a beer.

We walked in, hoping for a moment's peace, ended up seeing people we know.

People we care about, enjoy, and would love to be with any other time.

We both locked up our secrets and emotions and played normal.  Something we've gotten good at.

Our friends sat, and for the next 20 minutes, proceeded to whine about the difficulties they are dealing with as their remodeling project drags on and on and ON.

Normally the guttural urge to simply face-punch would grip me.  But my sadness on that day was rooted so deeply that I had given up on even fantasizing about such a thing.  I listened, I consoled.  Not two seconds after that couple left, I exchanged glances with my husband.  We didn't have to say anything.

Maybe that's what keeps us together.  Besides not having the strength or resources for a divorce (and pretty deep feelings regarding that all together), we are just to weary.  Life itself takes so much work that there's nothing leftover.  This is the easiest thing.

I can't really think about that right now, about our relationship.  Because it seems stupid.

Everything seems pretty stupid right now.

Do you know what it feels like, for real, not knowing and somewhat expecting to get a call?  THAT call? Having to live life, braced?  It sucks.  We're all fragile.  I know this.  Any moment can be anyone's last.  I know, I'm just not talking about that kind of fragile life.  I hate even talking about it, period.  I'm wading through each day trying not to live like I'm wading through each day.

I'm trying, and I've succeeded a lot of the time.

Weigh In: 283

I'm trying to update my weigh ins (and everything on this site, I suppose), but my laptop battery is getting low, so it might have to wait until next time.

Basically I'm back to where I was before my mini-vacation. Not exactly what I wanted, TO RELOSE THE SAME WEIGHT AGAIN, but that's just the way it is.

My biggest happiness of the past week is that I was able to remain under 284 over the weekend.  I did socialize, went to a grill out, had a couple drinks.  But I stuck to my low-carb, didn't eat any bread or anything.  I had a couple bites of a pie, that was my treat.  And one very light beer.  That's it.

All good.

Now, I have some incredibly stressful family crap to wade through, and a job interview next week.

I don't know how I keep my sanity.  I'll be happy if I'm at 282 next week.  One pound.  Just one.

Super quick NSV:  My clothes are feeling a bit better.  I really truly could feel a difference at 290.  I know that I can feel a difference at 275-270 as well.  It's going to be a while, but I'm really going to work to get there and to stay there.  Right now, my goal is just to get to where I was (249).  Maybe even maintain it for quite some time, and then work at getting lower.  But I just want to get there.  I don't want to leave August still in the 280s.

I'm Not Cut Out For Full-time Work

I'm conscious of where I'm at. If I weren't, I think I'd be back where I started.

But I'm about 10 pounds back up from where I figure my "good weight" is (260).

I'm 20 pounds up from where I was, though.

It's hard to accept that my focus has gone in other places, and my health takes a back seat. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around it. I don't know how long it takes to adjust to a new job? For me? Probably forever.

I'm a complicated person. I realize this. I feel like I have personal stuff to get in order, but life keeps happening, so personal stuff doesn't get in order.

But maybe it never does.

So, my new job - I have a love/hate relationship with it. Fancy that!!! Me?! Yes.

I love the work, the feeling of helping people, being helpful, and being in my element. But I hate that it consumes my life, and that my world, 80% of it, all revolves around WORK.

From 5am, to 5pm it's work. I'm either there, or planning to be there.

Get up, get ready, go, work, come home, unpack, pack for the next day, lay out clothes, try to come down from the day.

REPEAT.

It's taken its toll on me, and I'm miserable.

It's a weird misery.

I feel useful and valuable (at work), but I'm worthless in the areas that are important to me (my home life).

The most important - to me - is the home life.

I can be replaced at work. I can't be replaced at home.

I only have a few years until my kids are all out of the house. Though they need me less than they used to, they don't need me tired, ornery, and useless.

I feel caught. I've got a fantastic job (I really do - I landed a job in my niche with a great company), which is why I didn't turn it down. But it was more than I wanted - which is why I'm regretting it.

I pray that it's not all for naught, and that God will send something my way. I really do. I don't care about how hokey that sounds. I'm hanging on by a thread daily. I feel regret, embarrassment, fear, when I think of moving on from this position. But I also feel trapped by where I am.

I don't want this to be me.  I want to continue taking care of myself and the people around me. I want to figure things out. I'm 40. I'm on the top of the hill riding down and I don't think I'll have myself or the world figured out in the next 20 years, but I dn't want to look back and wonder where they all went, either.

Stepping Out Of My Comfort Zone

Hi. I'm fine.

I survived PMS. Actually, I survived it well. My medicine was prayer and conversations with God.

I was also completely wrapped up in preparing and interviewing for a new job. It's a crazy feeling - exciting and maddeningly frightening - I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm part-time. The position is full-time. BIG change for me. But could positively impact our finances.

I went to the interview this week, and got asked back for a 2nd one. I'm nervous. Super nervous. I have the weekend to think about it, but really - it's out of my hands now. They like me, or they wouldn't have asked me back. I'm POSITIVE I could contribute well to their business. I hope I can convey that.

Needless to say my mind has been less on my eating, and more on my life, and just keeping afloat.

This is the busiest time at my work. Today I had to rush straight from work to take a skills test for this job opportunity. Wouldn't you know it - crisis, 3 minutes before I need to leave. I was assertive, and gracious, and left the concerns behind me as much as possible. I have a hard time saying "no" and felt good about myself for doing it this time.

But I'll be honest - by the time I took that test today, my brain was fried. Literally. So I'm not feeling great about how I did.

There's 2 jobs I'm applying for, and really wanting. I like this one for certain reasons, and there's another I've applied but haven't interviewed for. The later one is the one I might actually prefer, but I've really been praying to be led and content with what happens.

So, unfortunately on the losing weight front I've made no progress, but on the life - and stepping out of my own safety zone - I'm making HUGE progress. That is something I can be super proud of!

Help Me Through This Week

Each week presents its own challenge. This one is moving my kid back to college.
School shopping.

Emotions. That's what it is.

I don't mind the kids going back to school, but I also love having my kids around. I'm not excited about my college-aged kid leaving again, because I know that some day he'll be out on his own and I won't have him here eating dinners, taking showers, sleeping under the same roof as us. I know that will be true eventually for all of them, and I'm not looking forward to it. I really cherish these times.

This weekend we went to the park and just watched our big kids hang out with each other. If I could have stopped the world and hung out at that place in time for infinity, I'd be content.

Life is a racing train and there's times you want it to speed up, and others when you're hitting the brakes trying desperately to slow it down.


Emotions:
I'm doing better. I'm hanging in there. I'm not as sharp-edged, angry, quick-tempered as I was a week ago. I need to talk to my doctor about this PMS as soon as possible. It's so horrible. Awful. When I'm not feeling that way, I look back and kind of shudder at how horrible it feels.

Still, emotions are what often drives me. Drives my food/eating, my exercising or non-exercising.

Eating:
I've slacked off a lot. Not tracked my calories or water, not intentional exercised. This week I have to push myself to keep on track. To gain would make me miserable. I don't want that to happen. I've been keeping pretty low-carb and on track that way, but have let a few things pass my lips I shouldn't have - but I brought my own food to my girl's dinner, and didn't cheat there. Victory.

Drinking:
I also slipped and had a 1/2 a beer. It's been MONTHS since I've had a beer. But that 1/2 beer was enough. It was tasty, and then I moved on to my Zevia cola. I was happy about that. I made a point to myself NOT to be drinking - not to celebrate, and not to numb pain. Whatever I'm feeling, I want to feel. I had a few glasses of wine at my girls' dinner, so I really didn't need to be having anything again the next night.

Goals:
I don't have any lofty goals right now besides simply wanting to make it through the week with grace. I want to walk. I want to eat right. I want to keep my composure and not lose it when I drop my kid off at school. I want to not be nervous and anxious and worried.

I plan to read my Bible more this week and lean on that rather than my food and my drinks. I plan to focus on the blessings in front of me. I do have many.

Anyway, I'm OK. I'm hanging in there, and trying to refocus myself.  I'm not saying things have gone from crappy to perfect - but I'm trying to catch myself.

It's All A Psychological Game

I was contemplating taking down my last post. There's a guilt feeling in the pit of my stomach for being so negative and probably for being honest, too.

But these are the things that are troubling me, and the things I need to deal with head on if I'm going to keep swimming by.

There's always going to be something. Primarily I need to get over the fact that I CAN'T CONTROL THE WORLD.

I can't control my kids.
I can't control my friends.
I can't control the outcome of sticky situations.
I can't control the my husband's reactions.
I can't control the weather.

There's a million and one things in the world that I can't control, and only one that I can.

MYSELF.

Big newsflash, eh? I know. I know. Stating the obvious. But I really need to work on this if I'm going to set things straight. I think part of the reason I get so disappointed in life is that I live in fear of too many things. That fear shouldn't control me.

I fear for my kid's future.
I fear for my friends.
I fear situations that are sad, scary.
I fear a life of a mediocre marriage.

I let myself believe I have some sort of control over things (if I do this, that will happen - if I say this maybe I'll get the result I want). Some of it is control-based, and some of it is slightly OCD based. Neither one is healthy or good. I realize part of it is just who I am, but I don't have to have it everything I am - and those are the times when I'm least happy.

I read a lot of devotionals today, and tried to get inside myself a bit. Tried to loosen the reigns on things. Disappointments. Being so disappointed in everyone else, when it is only myself who I can change, and who is probably disappointing me the most.

I don't want to be remembered as an miserable, angry mom/neighbor/friend. That's not uplifting to anyone else and certainly doesn't help me live with myself. That anger and frustration I feel just spills over in me trying to fix everyone else, I guess. Me, trying to have everyone else make up for deficits that I feel.

For the most part.

I don't want to poo-poo my marriage and some of the things going on with that. It isn't all roses for everyone, and there are definite struggles. It is a struggle for me. It has been off and on for a long time. To not admit that would be stupid. I think those feelings boil over into other areas of my life, too. It sucks, but it is there and it will be there if I lose weight or stay the same.

All of it will.

Except I'll be fat and unhappy, and staring at my closet again crying instead of just grabbing pants and pulling them on.

Today is better than where I was. I need to stay on track and remember that 6 months from now could be even more glorious if I trust and continue and not give up.

It's stay the same or keep moving, right?

Doing Too Much For My Kids

I know I mentioned before how I was a creature of habit with my morning egg and toast. Well, my lunches (at work) can be on the mundane, habitual side as well. Quite often I eat the Lean Cuisine meat lasagna. It fills me up, tastes decent, and is relatively inexpensive. I keep a few in my freezer so I always have something to grab.

I also keep a 4-pack box of Starkist tuna pouches in my drawer at work for back-up, or to add to a carby meal. Sometimes when I'm flat out desperate, I just go ahead and eat that tuna pouch as-is.

Other times I bring my own lunch, packed from leftovers. I have these glass, 2-cup containers with lids that work out nicely. 

Today, though, I had a new Lean Cuisine - Chicken Makhani. I've had other Indian dishes by LC and have been OK with them - except one of them was not made with real chicken and it gave me a bit of a bloaty, "off" feeling that I didn't like. The flavor was fine, but the after-bloat, not so much.

This one was pretty good. It had about 3 strips of chicken in it, with a side of rice and some sauce. I also doused it with some red pepper flakes to kick up the heat - and that really did the trick for me. I'll definitely get it again.

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Day 3 of the EA Sports Active, and I have to say I wasn't all that impressed today. Maybe it was a "slower" workout day, or something - I really don't know. All I know is I was hardly sweating when I was done. Granted, I'm on the "easy" setting (I thought I should for the first few), but still, I felt a wanting when I was done and ended up going for a quick walk after. 

I guess I should focus on the fact that I was doing something and eating better. That's a win-win.

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My attitude has been kind of sucky lately. I can't pinpoint why, though. Stress, probably, since that's the root of most of my bad attitude days. When I can't stuff it down with food or alcohol (or chocolate), I get kinda cranky. I have a feeling if I were thinner and had the means, I might resort to running. Had I a treadmill, I'd be on it right now. I can't go walk our neighborhood for free, though.

I have desires to go for long runs at night, hours-long bike rides, long ventures that don't end quickly. I'm just not there right now. I don't know if I will ever be. 

Sometimes, I think I should get a gym membership and throw myself into working out. Days like today I feel like I put way too much time into my kids and too little time into myself. I don't feel valued or special, I don't feel like my kids are appreciative that I support them. It's normal for them, and they take it for granted. Maybe if I had more to myself, I wouldn't feel resentful and they wouldn't feel so commonplace about everything I do for them.


A couple examples:
Yesterday I was volunteering for one of their activities. They showed irritation that I wouldn't be able to (do something/give more) because I was already tied up in my volunteer commitment. "Wait a second, I'm doing this for YOUR team, for YOUR activity - not me... how are you going to demand more of me than that," I asked.

Today we were watching something on TV as a family - something that interests the kids. Because they spend so much time with this interest, I've learned more about it and have opinions on it, too. So I gave mine and got ridiculed for it. I love my kids, they are GREAT. So I'm not really saying they are being brats. They are, sort of, but they also aren't. I'm pointing a finger at myself, here, too. Maybe I need to step back a bit and give some time to myself. I just don't know.I know my feelings are hurt. I escaped off to my computer (again), hurt. I don't know what that means. I don't know a lot of things. I'm trying to figure that out.