Grasping Hair, Don't Care - God Must Be Putting Me On Mute

Yeah, that's a wordplay on the "Long Hair, Don't Care" thing. Get it?

I didn't know if Ripping Hair Out sounded good.

And I honestly don't know if anyone out there (besides sweet, dear Lori) can stand to read this blog anymore as I spin down the toilet hole of depression and insanity. Train wrecks are fun to watch, right?

I'm being serious but not, seriously. Serious.

I don't feel a complete snap back to 290 coming, but I do feel a reckoning. I'm so freaking FIGHTING with myself right now it's not even funny. Today I started out well, but then... gosh, it's like almost humorous the crap that's been happening.

Money-wise, we're kind of in the dumps. I already mentioned how I dipped into our savings to pay for some car repairs? On top of that the kids go back to school and I don't know if you know it, but school fees are OUT OF THIS WORLD RIDICULOUS. And our kids go to public school. It's a shame.

Last year we qualified for reduced lunch, but I just don't see that happening this year. It was skin of our teeth last year.

I just won't go into all the details, but we've incurred another expense that I have no clue how we are going to pay. I got that news today and ended up sobbing in the shower, in the car to get groceries, and then on the bed while the kids obliviously carried groceries up the stairs.

Crying does help sometimes.

I prayed, but I'm pretty sure God put me on mute today. Whiny, and foul-mouthed is what I am. I tried to just pray, and pray solid, straight-forward, sharing my life with God - and NOT SWEARING. But they kept creeping in my head and it was just bad. Bad, bad, I tell you.

There are times when I figure the reason I'm not suicidal or dead is because God's still got some work to do with me. I joke, but I don't.  I was in a daze driving home, wanting to just fall asleep through the next couple weeks and not deal with the things that are coming my way. Just sleep.

It's horrible, and that's not a way to live life.

Something has got to give, and it's got to be me.

This is all part of this food stuff, wrapped up, but just labeled differently. I know this. As I shoved cheese in my mouth today and washed it down with vodka, it was clear to me. I am well aware of stuffing my feelings with food, with alcohol when I choose. Neither are good. It's not healthy. It's a form of self-destructiveness and self-abuse. I have to stop doing it. I have to slap my own face into submission and move in the direction I was.

It's a process and I was a fool to think it would be anything but.


Lori said...

Oh my, I my heart breaks for you. I have lived in the place where you are. I know what it is like not to have money to pay the bills that keep mounting. I know what it is like to feel all alone, even alone from God. It hurts in a place way down deep that only a person that has experienced it can understand.

My only advice is to quit beating yourself up over things you can't change. Don't put pressure on yourself to control things that are outside of your control. Right now, isn't the time to put yourself on a strict food regime. Just don't use it or alcohol as a crutch, or your situation as an excuse to over indulge.

I wish I had an answer for you. I don't. I can only share your pain. You are in my prayers. Maybe God will reveal Himself to you soon.

Bonita Gordita said...

Thank you, Lori. Really - thank you.

Bonita Gordita said...

It is hard, but I'm trying to work it out with writing about it.

Lori said...

I'm looking forward to a post soon that is an answered prayer.

Mrs Swan said...

Get the alcohol OUT OF THE HOUSE! You do not need it in the house!!! I am behind in reading blogs so I hope that things are going better for you now! I feel you on the money thing! We would get free lunch but our schools are doing free lunch for all. If I recall you know this and mentioned a combo of home lunch and school lunch. That is what we are going to be doing.

Your not alone! We all have these feelings some days. Update your blog so we can hear your doing better K?