A million times, I "Start Again."
Two of my very good friends have lost some weight. Seeing the change in them reminds me of where I've been. It wasn't long ago that I was hearing, "You look smaller!" or "You look great!" and "What are you doing?!"
I miss that.
I miss how I felt.
It's been a long haul moving from job to job the last few years. Stress, stress, stress. Everything kind of hit a head at the same time, plateau, job loss, job search, new job (hated it - consumed me), job search, job get (horrific co-worker, new I'd have to suffer through the year and transfer), job search, job get.
My current job is decent. It's in the department I initially applied for years ago. Twice! But it's all-consuming, too. There's no time to relax, from the second you strap yourself in your work chair, you're go, go, GO! until it's time to leave, and then I'm almost running out the door before someone can ask much more of me.
With all of these changes, it's been difficult to continue the focus on myself. But, I have to. And, honestly, if that means I have to find another job, it means it.
My kids are almost grown. They have one more year of high-school. I'm so frustrated that the last 3 years of my life have been pretty miserable. I've been so stressed out, so haggard, so much living on a day to day. That's not living. That's waiting to die. Waiting to get old enough. That's not me.
Well, partly it IS me. It's who I am. I only have so much in the tank. If I put in an exhausting day at work, I'm in a vegetative state. I don't have much left for anything else. I have to ask myself if this is what I want, what I can tolerate, if I'm living enough life - or if I need to make a switch.
I don't know yet.
What I do know is that, for the last week, instead of trying to put solid meals on the table, my focus was (purposely) shifted to counting calories. To paying attention. To taking a couple walks. Nothing major. If I can manage to find a balance, that would be nice.
I haven't made a real dent in my weight, but this was one of the first weekends I didn't spike up to 289.
I'm just going to try for a bit.
On another note, I got an airplant. I haven't had one before. Mine looks like the one in the top left-hand picture. I haven't figured out where exactly to put it yet.