Happy Halloween

I've told myself I can have a "cheat" day today.
It sounds all nice and wonderful on paper. Reality is different.

Cheat days, or allowing flexibility on a day (one day out of a long stretch of days) doesn't seem to show up so much on the scale. But it always seems to show up in my behaviors, my cravings.

I ate a modest breakfast.
I'm forcing myself to go for a long walk.
I'll allow myself some drinks and merriment later. I plan to splurge any sweet-eating on actual bakery goods (cookies or pie or cake) over candy. If I'm going to nibble something delectable I'd rather it be decent food than candy. At least that's how I feel now. We shall see.

I weighed myself today to remind myself of what my goals are. I was at 280. I don't want to make practice of mid-week weigh ins and rely on the scale too much because I know the scale can be a dastardly liar, and doesn't always reflect true progress. But today I'm looking at the number 289. I could maybe dip under that by the end of the week, God willing. We shall see. Most importantly right now for me is continuing to pay attention to what I'm eating, how I'm moving, and that I'm hydrating myself.

And getting my walk in today. In this cold, cold weather.

I'm stalling.

Wanna hang out and talk for a bit? Have some coffee?

Stalling.

I Made It Through The Weekend - 281

Well, I made it.

We had a wonderful time. It was nice to get away.

I can't say I threw all caution to the wind and ate what I wanted, but I can't say I suffered much in the food department, either. The first day I tried to keep track of what I was eating, but then realized it was fruitless, and I'd have to give it up. I also realized I'm married to the internet when it comes to tracking my food. Because I use SparkPeople, if I'm out the internet, I'm out my valuable tool. Sure I could track on paper if need be, but I wouldn't know my tally.

I didn't like that feeling. I'm going to chew on that a bit. I don't want my success in something to be based off of that. But, diabetics need to monitor their bloodsugar via a device, I may need to keep journaling and counting calories. I won't get hung up on it right now.

The good news is I remained stable over the weekend. Though it seems like I had a 1 pound loss, I really was 281 before the weekend.  So I maintained, even though I went over Friday and Saturday, but I enjoyed myself and didn't worry about my calories. I paid attention to what I was eating, though.

For example, we stopped off at a cheese factory. They had all kinds of cheese, some wine to taste, and ice cream. I saw the ice cream, wasn't really craving it, but wanted to try either the cinnamon or the pumpkin. I chose pumpkin. I didn't want to go to a two-scoop cone. I chose the traditional cone over the waffle (compromising all the way).

When I took my first lick, I was taken aback. The taste fell short. I licked some more, hoping my mouth would adjust favorably. I offered a taste to my husband. I told him to take a big bite so I could get to the cone. It never got better. I asked myself, Why are you eating a cone that you don't like?

I didn't want to waste the money?
I wanted something out of habit?
Both.

I threw it out the window. The price of a wasted cone, at that moment, was worth the few hundred calories I didn't consume. If I wasn't enjoying them - why eat them?

Usually when I give up sweets for any length of time, they don't taste as good to me when I have them. I still crave them and want the flavor on my tongue, but it's not the same. Maybe like giving up smoking. I don't know, I haven't tried again since I quit. But we had cake over the weekend, and a tiny sliver satisfied me. We picked up donuts, and I preferred to snack on my homemade granola instead.

I didn't make progress, but I didn't fall behind. I can settle on that. I made compromises and enjoyed myself. I took two long walks. Now, had it been a week-long trip, I don't know. But a couple days I managed. I immediately got back on track on Sunday.

This week I see Halloween as a day I might splurge, so I need to remind myself to be good and careful the rest of the days.

Happy Monday - have a fantastic week!

Nervous

I'm nervous about going on vacation. It's so much planning. For me, the first few weeks of "getting back on track" I kind of have to shut down on social activities. It's so easy to fall off the path (and so hard to get back on).

I'm glad I've had a few weeks of good choices behind me, and that I'm in that mindset. But I can't help but worry.

I'M SO AFRAID TO GAIN WEIGHT.

I'm afraid for my old patterns to rear their ugly head. It's happened time and time again.

Today I was set to go for dinner with a friend. We went for a walk instead. I can't chalk it all up to making a better choice, it was more circumstances. In a way I wish I would have went to dinner and had the opportunity to test my willpower. But it looks like that will have to wait until I'm out of my element, on the road, in different surroundings.

Gosh, I make it sound like I'm some kind of caged animal up for experiment.

One of the difficulties with travel (for me) is all of the planning that surrounds it. I have to factor in so many different things:

family choices
money
simplicity

I want simple meals, cheap meals - that everyone would eat. But I also want to stay within my calorie range. I guess, if I really wanted to go militant, I could pick up a bunch of Lean Cuisines for myself. Then I can make and feed (whatever to) my family, and have something easy for myself.

Maybe that's what it will take for me. I don't know.

God willing, I'll be back on Monday and I'll be 283 or under.

Have a great week and weekend!

Life Management

My obstacles this week and weekend will be time.

We are going on a small vacation (traveling to visit family). I will be cooking meals while we are away and will have limited access to internet (which is how I track my food). Instead of looking at it as some horrible curse, I will take it on as a challenge. With the beautiful weather we look to have, I should have ample exercise time.

I should be able to plan things out enough that I can get some easy meals in without going over my calorie budget. But, that means I need to prioritize that ahead of other things.

The hard thing, for me, is the more time I put into calorie-tracking, walking, etc., the less time I put into home management and life management.

But, in the long run, if I don't take care of myself and let myself be fat, I'm pretty miserable. I've felt pretty good this week. A couple times I was frustrated that I had to think about food so much and couldn't just eat and not worry about it so much. But logically, that doesn't hit the same level of frustration of not being able to fit into my clothes. Of going to the store and not liking anything because I'm dissatisfied with the body I'm in.

I've been very frustrated lately with my body. I'm sure that frustration has leaked over to other areas of my life.

So, that concept on the tip of my brain - I'm going to get off here and get some things done!

Weekend Weight Gain

I passed a goal (below 285)!
Weigh in today: 282
HOORAY!

I noticed that I have down as a "major goal" to be 260 or below by the end of December, 2012.
Um.. I don't know. I mean, I can try. I think. That's not a good attitude.  But I don't know if my weight loss will continue to decline as much as it is right now for long. We will see.

I need to believe I can do it and believe it is possible for me to have any chance of getting there. There's a possibility that I don't really believe it and I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop on this experiment of mine. For my patience to wane. For Thanksgiving and Christmas to look at me and say, eat.

I will never understand the psychology of a food addict.
I mean, if I could bottle up whatever it is that will set me on a path of good eating and healthy choices, and whip that bottle out whenever it is lacking - I'd be set.

I'd be cured.

It makes no sense to me how I can, at one period, be unable to stay within a calorie range or find time to take care of myself - and then at another time be able to do all that.

I guess I won't question it too much, and I'll just pray that it sticks around a while.
I actually had a fabulous weekend and didn't gain a pound.
I feel like I indulged.
I don't feel deprived.
I do feel like I made choices.

For example: prior to my girl's get together I mowed down on a HUGE bowl of lettuce. I didn't want to go there hungry. When I got to the gathering, I ate some brie and crackers. Not as much as I would have normally eaten, but I tasted and didn't feel left out. I ate the salad, I drank wine. I opted to drink the wine over eating food. I had a bite of a cookie for dessert, rather than the entire thing.

Thankfully the menu was simple. There weren't a ton of delicious treats I had to turn down. Again, I drank my calories that night.

The next day I got up and made a nice breakfast for the family, but had my regular toast and egg. I didn't feel deprived, really. I felt good that the choice I was making might help me fit back into the clothes I purchased a couple years ago.

I went on a nice, long walk. Burned up a bunch of calories I ingested the day before, and sweated out some of that wine.

I tracked everything I ate, good or bad. And I lost a pound over the weekend.

Weighing In Before The Weekend

I weighed myself today. It's not some horrific sin, but I couldn't help myself. Realistically I try to weigh in every Monday morning. Sometimes I dread it (well generally I dread it) after a weekend where I feel I overindulged. For some sick reason I thought it would be a good idea to weigh in today.

283

That's three pounds down.

I was almost brought to my knees in gratitude. Thank God for small blessings, eh? My body was cooperating?! Crazy. That's 3 pounds down this week. That's 3 pounds away from dipping under 280. Wow, wow, and WOW.

But hold the phone, because here comes the weekend. Tonight is wine and dinner with the girls, tomorrow is pizza night with the family - and a grillout, and Sunday we have a family celebration.

It ALL revolves around food.

I can do this, though. I can. I've done it before. I didn't duck out of engagements because of the food. Well, maybe sometimes. I actually considered brining my own lunch to the grillout tomorrow. It might be corny, but this is a matter of survival. If I were an alcoholic and I were going to a "alcoholic drinks only" party - I might just bring my own soda. Maybe I have to stop caring what someone else would say, since I'm the one in battle.

Or maybe I eat sensibly. Or try to. Small portions, stick to familiar foods.

What a decision to have. I can think of worse ones. It makes me wonder if weighing in before the weekend was a good idea, though. If I hop back on Monday and it tells me 285, I will be bummed (crushed).

It's done, though. I'll use it to motivate me not to have to read a higher weight on Monday.

Answering a question from the comments:

elenamary said... what are you goals with water? how did you come to set your water goal? any suggestions?

I aim for 8 8oz. glasses of water a day (the common standard). No real reasoning, but that seems to be a happy medium, so I use that number as a marker.  I also use the amount of times I go to the bathroom (color of urine, etc.) as a guide. It's important enough to me to pay attention tot that. If I'm having wine or alcohol, I want to increase the water intake, or keep up glass to glass with water/wine.

There are days where I will be making dinner and realize I hadn't gone to the bathroom or drank anything besides my morning coffee or a soda. That's not good. I get headaches from not drinking enough water. That's not good. My problem is, unless it is right in front of me - I forget. I don't like to stand by the sink and chug water. The visual of the tap doesn't help me. BUT, the visual of a clear water bottle does.

Usually I take my travel water bottle wherever I go. It helps me remember and saves money. I take it to work every day. One day I forgot it and purchased a disposable water bottle with a drink spout. I noticed I drank it all easily without even thinking about it. If I'm drinking from a straw, I'm likely to drink more, too. So I purchased one of those clear tumblers with a straw and can't believe how much more helpful it has been (to me) for getting my water in. I've been drinking at minimum 3 cups full a day (60oz), and that's not including the water with meals. That's much better than I was doing before.

Everyone's different, but for me the visual of my cup, the ease of drinking and portability (I set it by the computer if I'm working, in the kitchen when I'm cooking, livingroom if we're watching a movie). This has worked wonders for me. I know some people use very large water bottles and mark each 8oz on it, and use that as a guide/goal.

I Lost Two Pounds

Big deal, right?

Well, it's been a struggle to lose weight for me. I don't know if it is age or what the factor, but I've been having trouble breaking out of a plateau (for lack of better word).

I stepped on my Wii fit and it read 286 after a week of tracking my calories and walking/moving a bit more. Beautiful! It has not been easy to keep on top of tracking. I'm busy, like anyone else. Beyond that, I'm cooking for my family, trying to stay on a budget, and having to run all my recipes through trackers takes up time and energy.

But so does being unhealthy and depressed. 

Today I am very motivated.

I want to get that "needle" to dip below the 280 mark.
I want my pants to be loose again.
I want to fit back into the clothes that are hanging in my closet, waiting for me.

My lowest weight I remember was 269. I have a ways to go to get there. I very much hope that I can make it. It is hard not to get ahead of myself, push things, and not get frustrated.

I'll look at my small goal of getting below 285. I should be able to accomplish that by the end of the month.

WATER
I have a hard time getting my water in, especially at home. Trying to do better, I finally purchased one of those clear tumblers that have a clear straw to sip through. It holds  20oz of water. I really had to coach myself into buying one, though, instead of writing it off as a waste of money. But, I notice if I have a water bottle or something with a straw, I'm waaaaay more likely to drink water. Since I've caught myself a few times lately realizing I had only drank a few ounces of water during the day, I thought it was important for me to pay attention to.

I've had the cup for a week and have already doubled my intake. Yay me.