New Clothes

After writing about clothes yesterday, I started thinking about my clothes. I haven't changed them since before. They were rather ill-fitting, and now they fit better. That was one of my goals - to feel better in my clothes.

It makes a difference. I do feel better.

I used to cry when I'd get dressed. I'd stare at my closet, look it up and down, knowing that everything was too tight here, or too short there (didn't hide my belly). The pants bulged. Nothing looked right. I was limited to what I'd wear because only certain clothes felt good, and fit right.

I was really miserable. It makes me sad to think about it, to remember it. It isn't a new feeling. There was a time for me when most off-the-rack clothing didn't fit and I had to order from online sources. I bought some polo shirts, an elastic waistband pair of pants. I was really big.

People look at me and probably think I'm still really big. 260-some pounds is no joke for a female. I'm still not lighter than my husband (another goal of mine).

I hope I can get there, but I also want to remind myself of where I am and where I've been. Though my black jeans (another goal - to fit in them) actually DO go on, I want to be able to wear them comfortably.

Last time I was at this weight I was so happy to be here that squeezing into those black jeans was enough for me. It isn't anymore. Right now I feel like I did when I was pushing 300. Everything still fits. I want to get to the point where it won't fit anymore. Where it would be ridiculous to wear it.

It is going to take me a while. I've been busting out of the clothes I had, now they are getting comfortable, and I need to press forward.

My head is where I live. It's hard to get out of it. Not long ago I was wondering if I'd break that 265. I did, but I still worry about keeping it coupled with blasting out the bottom on this thing and finding a new low.

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I'm trying to talk myself into getting to the gym. I've been walking, but I need to do some weights and toning. The last few days have been cold and rainy and I didn't get on a walk. So... today... I really need to, and I don't want to walk in this weather. That means taking myself to the gym.

Blech.

Gotta do it, though.

Treadmill Workout - 45 Minutes

I don't know why I did it. Honestly, I don't.
I was still dying from the previous day, and bitter over my weight stall.

But I went. I packed up my shoes and my ipod, and told myself to just do the treadmill.

I worry I'm overdoing it. Then I think that is just an excuse.

Working out more days than not, eating right more days than not - is a key to life-long health. Today, tomorrow, next year, five years from now... that won't change. Why feed my head with thoughts that today is different?

I went to the gym, unloaded my anger, bitterness and hatred for working out, put on my shoes, filled my water bottle, stepped on a treadmill - didn't have the right feel for me. Stepped off to the next one. Good.

Set my pace and went at it.

I wanted to sweat, I wanted to feel like I had a workout. I wanted to run, but I'm pacing myself. Pace, pace.

Here's (about) what I did.

For me, it was a decent workout. I was sweaty, I got my heart rate up over 150, I wanted to quit. 

After I was done, I got off and went to get the spray to wipe off the machine, and still had that floaty feeling that treadmills give you, like I'm walking and now I'm moving - before I wasn't.

I went and did one stretch, and decided to finish at home. I just wanted to leave. There's nothing relaxing (to me) about stretching in a tiny area filled with other sweaty people. My germaphobic nature starts to go into overdrive. Maybe I'll get over it. I don't know.

So I came home, did some stretches, made some oatmeal, and came to post this before I forget what I even did on that treadmill. 

This is what it said at the end, although the calories might be off because I didn't punch in my weight until about 10 minutes in. And I was walking when I took the picture. 

This was during my cooldown. 2.26 miles, 340 calories. I don't know what that 4 is, but it was about 48 minutes in. This helps me remember a bit what went on. I need to somehow figure out how to keep better track, but that will come in time. I hope.

Baked Grapefruit And A 5k

OK, OK it is a virtual 5k. But it is a start. It is something. Katie from Runs for Cookies is hosting a virtual 5k in honor of her birthday. 5k is 3.1 miles, I guess, and I went ahead and signed up. I will be walking my 5k, and I will be doing it on three separate occasions.

Like I said, it is a start.  A nudge. A hope that the possibility is out there somewhere for me to, at some point, actually run a 5k. There are many steps I need to take along the way. This is my first one.

Happy Birthday, Katie!

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I just finished mile 2 of my 3.1 mile walk. I had to use my "Walk Away the Pounds" video, though, because it is crazy cold out and I just don't feel like enduring that right now. Anyway, WAP is a no-excuses deal. Weather is no excuse.

Before starting my walk, I popped some grapefruit in the oven to try - for the first time - baked grapefruit. I really like grapefruit, regardless, but something about it intrigued me.

Basically you half a fruit, sprinkle some honey or sugar on it (1 tsp.) and pup it, flesh side up in the oven on a baking sheet for 15-20 minutes at 325. I've seen some people broil it, too, or add other things (like jelly). Spark has the recipe right here: Baked Grapefruit. Some people will remove the white stuff that separates the pieces, or dig them each out. Not me. I like to eat that anyway, so it was no bother.

Excuse the photo. One thing about this blog for me, is that it is quick. I don't spell check or proof read much, and my photos aren't always top notch. But I need to journal; it helps keep me on track and keep me sane sometimes. This picture was taken from my phone. 

The verdict? Not bad. Kind of nice to have something warm in my tummy. I like my grapefruit room-temperature to begin with, so this isn't much different. Except that it is warm and actually easier to remove the section and white part - pith, I think it's called. I eat that stuff. I don't know if I'd bake my fruit every time, but it's not bad for something different. I used honey and sprinkled some cinnamon on it, too.

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As I grabbed my grapefruit, happy and satisfied with my workout, I wondered if I was bipolar. 

Not really bipolar, bipolar, but wondered why healthy habits were so hot and cold for me.

I mean, today I dropped the kids off at their activities and had two hours to burn. I'm using that two hours to:

exercise

write a quick entry

get dinner in the oven

Huh? Exercise? How does that work that I have time to do that today, but can't seem to find time 98% of the rest of the year? It baffles me how this works, and I know it is up and down because I've been both before. 

Right now, I can't see being a slothy over-eater in my future. But history would pattern me being in that rut again. Boy, if I could bottle (whatever it is) and sell it --or hoard it for those times when I don't seem to be producing it-- I would.

Maybe it is forced habit and once you get on, momentum keeps you going, and once you fall off, you need to grab that momentum again. Donno. Remind me of it, though, when I lose it and spiral again, would you?

272

There are times when I don't believe the scale. This would be one of them.

Holidays (Christmas, New Year's)... and I lost weight? Hmm, OK. Granted, I weighed myself before New Year's Day. That probably would have been a bad day to weigh in. But, I did weigh myself on Monday and it was down to 272. I weighed again to check.

Whatever. I'll be back on the scale again next Monday and who knows what it will say. I'm staying the course either way. I did over indulge on New Year's Eve. Actually I feel like I overindulged on alcohol and ate less, not the best combination. My habits have settled in a bit regarding eating, but I didn't think how that might affect anything I drank.

My plan was to get right back on track the next day, but I haven't done so well. My parents are in town and they like to take us out to eat. They did, at a buffet, and I didn't pay much attention to what went in my mouth, really.

But, on a good note: MY MOM SAID IT LOOKED LIKE I LOST WEIGHT

That's one of my goals, you know. But she really was looking at me, and really noticed. I was happy for that.

My next goal will be to drip below the '70 mark. I can't wait. I mean, I can, but my eye is really having the scale say '50-something. I haven't been there in the last 10 years. I haven't been there in 2000-anything.

I really want to get there. I want to know how it feels.

I hope to get there before March. That's my next mini-goal. It seems unbelievable, but it can be done.

On a fitness note, I still haven't been doing too much, but my body is craving it. I wish I could afford a treadmill. I know I would use it. I don't have much space, though, and money... well that's a joke. All of our Christmas money will be going to our vehicle that needs $1000+ dollars worth of work. So that's just great.

But yesterday I went for my normal 20-minute walk. I did intervals of running. Not far, about from one driveway to another. Little sprints. It was dark and snow was on the ground, but there were patches where it felt safe. I'm sure I looked like an idiot, but my body wanted to step it up. I could tell. I finished 5 minutes less than I normally would have. I felt great.

Working Out Is Time Consuming

For the last couple weeks I've been working out at home. This isn't something "new" but it isn't the same old workout. I have Supreme 90 Day System workout and have finally cracked into it. I've only been doing it for a couple weeks, and only a couple times a week. The other days I do my regular walking (although I've been adding more hills into my walk to burn more calories). It hasn't added up to much on the scale, but we all know THE SCALE ISN'T EVERYTHING.

As I said in my last post, I'm trying to change things. My outlook on life, my core being. I haven't been journaling food. It is time-consuming and I'm just not there yet. But I have been journaling my JOYs, paying attention to the world around me and soaking in the moments that are GOOD. You can't really measure that on a scale. But, if I had to, I'd say it has stopped the freight train of weight gain that I was riding on, twirling my licorice rope above my head saying, yipee.

On my way to 300, I brought the train to a screeching halt, and have turned it around. My last weigh-in was 289. It isn't a whole lot, but it is way better than 299. With just a few weeks of pushing my body in ways that I don't normally push it, I feel stronger. Yesterday I walked up the hill and hardly noticed it. I was busy switching the song on my ipod and smiling at my dog, and huffed right up the hill. It was great.

I just got done with a cardio workout. As I finished, I noted that working out is time consuming. It. Takes. Up. Time. I should be shopping. I should be balancing a checkbook. I should be doing a lot of things. But, it is important to me today to carve out some time to sweat (gosh, I love a good, sweaty workout), challenge my body. But it has taken me an hour of getting ready, doing the workout, cooling down, showering. I have to fit it in on my day off. Small step to prioritize my fitness/health on my day off. But, it really does pay off in other ways.