I'm Not Cut Out For Full-time Work

I'm conscious of where I'm at. If I weren't, I think I'd be back where I started.

But I'm about 10 pounds back up from where I figure my "good weight" is (260).

I'm 20 pounds up from where I was, though.

It's hard to accept that my focus has gone in other places, and my health takes a back seat. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around it. I don't know how long it takes to adjust to a new job? For me? Probably forever.

I'm a complicated person. I realize this. I feel like I have personal stuff to get in order, but life keeps happening, so personal stuff doesn't get in order.

But maybe it never does.

So, my new job - I have a love/hate relationship with it. Fancy that!!! Me?! Yes.

I love the work, the feeling of helping people, being helpful, and being in my element. But I hate that it consumes my life, and that my world, 80% of it, all revolves around WORK.

From 5am, to 5pm it's work. I'm either there, or planning to be there.

Get up, get ready, go, work, come home, unpack, pack for the next day, lay out clothes, try to come down from the day.

REPEAT.

It's taken its toll on me, and I'm miserable.

It's a weird misery.

I feel useful and valuable (at work), but I'm worthless in the areas that are important to me (my home life).

The most important - to me - is the home life.

I can be replaced at work. I can't be replaced at home.

I only have a few years until my kids are all out of the house. Though they need me less than they used to, they don't need me tired, ornery, and useless.

I feel caught. I've got a fantastic job (I really do - I landed a job in my niche with a great company), which is why I didn't turn it down. But it was more than I wanted - which is why I'm regretting it.

I pray that it's not all for naught, and that God will send something my way. I really do. I don't care about how hokey that sounds. I'm hanging on by a thread daily. I feel regret, embarrassment, fear, when I think of moving on from this position. But I also feel trapped by where I am.

I don't want this to be me.  I want to continue taking care of myself and the people around me. I want to figure things out. I'm 40. I'm on the top of the hill riding down and I don't think I'll have myself or the world figured out in the next 20 years, but I dn't want to look back and wonder where they all went, either.

267

I've maintained 269, so I can' mark that as "official" -- but I've also LOST 2 MORE POUNDS!?

Something is just not right. Maybe it is that I so much worry about failing that I figure I will. Maybe I'm so accustomed to getting on the scale and being disappointed when the numbers go up, up, up (or stay the same). I don't know what it is. I'm happy and thrilled, but scared.

I'm 1/2 way to my goal. Wow.

If I can lose the first 70, I should be able to lose 70 more? Right?

I'm not going to worry about that right now. Daily progress, daily battles.

This holiday weekend I had a couple days where I took in too many calories (think fireworks, cheeses, bread, beer...). At least I think I took in too many calories. I didn't count them and I didn't regulate what I had eaten. So I figured it would be one of those weeks where the number either rises or doesn't budge.

At any rate, I'm trying to think of what is helpful to me at this point, and what is facilitating change.

• Journaling my calories. Paying attention to portions. It seems super simplified, and it is. But, for me, it's a true snapshot of how I'm eating, what I'm spending my calories on, and where I could improve. I use sparkpeople.com, but there are many other programs.
• Tracking my exercise. Reality check for me, and often it is motivation. Yesterday I was burning with heat, but still called a friend to meet up at the dog park and take a little walk with the dogs. We walked at a slower pace, for about a mile. But that mile was better than me butt-sitting on the couch. I'm more purposeful in my movement. Cleaning, walking... just to get more burnage of calories in.
• Eating pre-packaged meals. I'm not big on prepared meals. I've compromised because my weight loss is important; they've been a lifesaver for me. So much of my overeating and bad food choices is based on circumstance (busy, tired, can't think up a proper meal). Supplementing a meal a day, especially on the days where I'm down to 300 calories and I need dinner, has helped.

Speaking of movement. I think I have more energy.

My clothes fit much better. I still visualize myself as a 300-pound woman, though, rather than one who is closer to 250 than 300. I know I'm not up at 338 (that was a long time ago). My brain is still having a hard time keeping up with my body changes. My shape is the same, just smaller, which may confuse my brain.

I've gotten a lot more compliments recently. My mother noticed yesterday. My husband keeps telling me that I'm smaller. My kids haven't said anything. It will be interesting to see when/if they do.

In about a month we're supposed to go on a camping/canoe trip. I'm a little nervous. I don't wear shorts. I haven't even tried on my swimsuit. Just recently I wore my first sleeveless shirt. It doesn't make sense to me that at 338 I was resigned to being fat and finally got myself to the point of not caring what anyone else said - I was going to live my life and enjoy it. And now I'm 70 pounds lighter and am concerned about wearing shorts?

Oy.

I'm at the lowest weight I've been at in over 10 years (or more... I can't remember!!!) and I should be enjoying myself, my body and my family and not worrying about these things.

Today I will choose to be happy about where I am, where I've been and the hopeful goal of having to buy new clothes this fall. I can't wait to go down a pant size.

274

I don't feel like it was the best week for me. It was my period week, which never helps. I had an insatiable, literally, desire for sweets, and an almost equal need to constantly eat. It is amazing I made it out of the past week alive. On top of that, there were family stresses galore (negative), and social outings (positive). All things that could have sent me spiraling into a food coma.

We had friends over Friday. As usual, out came the drinks, cheeses and munchies. My favorite was the brie, second the hummus, and I feasted on them both. The next day was a grill out at the cousins. I did well during dinner (turkey burger, a couple chips), but overdid it later by chomping on chocolates and potato chips (don't ask). The next day was BBQ at the inlaws. I snarfed salad early to fill up my stomach, skipped the chips and beer, but indulged in the ice cream cake dessert. Compromises.

BUT...

Prior to going to the inlaws yesterday I WENT ON A 5.8-MILE BIKE RIDE!!! I've been wanting to do this loop for a long, long time. It is right by our house; daily I see people tooling down the path, hearts pumping, legs cycling. I longed to do it, too.

Admittedly, I had to walk my bike up the major hill. But I did it. There was no call made to home to have someone pick me up because I couldn't make it. There was, however, a bit of humble pie eaten as a silver-haired couple rode their bikes past me as I pushed mine. Yeah. That felt really good. I told myself that someday I, too, would make it up that hill.

It took me almost an hour to complete the windy, semi-hilly ride. It is a beautiful ride. But the beauty took second seat to my huffing, puffing, leg-aching, constant "I-think-I-can" chant going on in my head. The hottest day of the year and I decide to hop on my bike for the first time to conquer a ride I've never even tried. Smart.

By the time I arrived home I was shaky, wobbly, sweating like an animal, and exhausted. It took me an hour and a cold shower to stop sweating.

But I burned over 400 calories. And I accomplished something pretty big (for me).

And, by making little tweaks to my normally abandoned eating behavior, I managed to hold my weight through a stressful, hormone-laden, socially eventful week.

Mission accomplished. Those little changes are what I will need to do all summer long to be able to hold or lose weight (I'd like to lose, obviously).

But, I saved the biggest news for last. It happened. I finally had someone ask me if I've lost weight. It was, bless her heart, my sister-in-law. She told me I looked great, said she could see it in my face, and we had a nice conversation on the struggles of weight loss.

Now I can check that goal off my list. Next goal? - 269.

This week I'm keeping away from desserts/sweets. Five days, M-F. I have to do it. I have to break myself from it for a few days.

365 Days of Exercise - Day 16

11 minutes, walking in place
10 (or more) minutes of vicious weed-pulling gardening (intentional)

__________

Today my readings talked about the sovereignty of God, saying to reflect on the times in life when it felt like God had lost control, and to instead insert that God was completely in control and was there.