276 - Thoughts About Weight Loss Surgery

Weigh in today: 276

That's good, I'm down one pound after a less than spectacular week. I really didn't exercise until the weekend (2 walks), and went over my calories by over 1/2 a days calories.  That was when I "allowed myself a little lenience" for the day. If I remember correctly, my "lenience" came in the form of alcohol, for the most part.

I weighed myself on Wednesday in the middle of the week and I was actually up two pounds. It scared (and frustrated) me.

I love the scale when it moves down, fear it when it moves up.

It's a great tool when you're trying to be healthier, but it can be the devil's tool on any given day.

Wednesday I had to choose between having one more lenience day, or getting right back on track. I got right back on track. I fought back all week, really, counting my calories, denying my urges to splurge.

I WISH I HAD THIS KIND OF WILLPOWER FOREVER

Because I've been here before. Twice. Losing weight, feeling better, seeing results, making changes. And then something turns a corner. Something... changes. And I can no longer control my eating, every  cheat day turns into another cheat day/week/month/season, and I'm staring 300 in the eyes again, asking if it would like to dance.

I've earned the right to be nervous on this one. I have.

Sometimes my mind will go in the direction of WLS. I hate WLS. That's my knee-jerk reaction. I have friends who will swear by it, but I'm not sold. I have a family member who had surgery years ago, and she's been about 260-280 pounds for the last decade. Maybe that's the old surgery. Maybe she's one of the few that it doesn't work long-term for.

I do understand it, though. I won't say it is they easy route, but in a way it is the easiest, regardless. I can say that, never having done it. I know there are still food struggles - but they aren't the same, and you have a mechanically altered stomach to prevent (as intended) body blow up. You have a physically forced regimen. I say it is easy because your options are smaller. People lose weight, period. They do. And they don't regret it (because they have lost weight).

I don't know what that means for them 30 years down the line. I'm not sure. It is interesting. I just don't know if it is for me. Some days I think it would be wonderful. Everyone I've seen have it done loses weight. Yes, they struggle, but the LOSE. More than I have. Less yo-yo than I have. They're under 200. I'm not.

See how tempting it can be?

My biggest roadblock is that I don't have the money, which might just be a good thing. It cuts out an option for me.

I'll be happy with my 1 pound weight loss today and not worry about it so much. I've been doing good.

Weigh In: 277

I'm happy about my weigh in.

A combination of being the week after my period and pretty good eating rendered some results on the scale. I feel good. My clothes fit better.

But I'm PETRIFIED.

Been here, done that. This is nothing new.

It doesn't always keep.

There's no saying I won't go back up.

Just as one good day, leading to another day, leading to another good day can make everything roses - one bad day will lead to a bad day, will lead to lead butt on the scale again.

I have done well with tracking my food. Last week I didn't exercise at all. It didn't seem to make a difference on the scale, but I want to note that it might have made a difference in my head.

Eat, move, feel better.

Eat, don't move... feel a little worse?

Possibly.

At any rate, my hurdles this week are a bit higher. I had family in town, which presented a lot of opportunities to over eat, and to have meals that were near to impossible to accurately track in my calorie-counter. I had three of those meals this week already. I chose a reuben sandwich, chicken panini, and turkey provolone panini. I had some fries. I skipped some chips. I drank non-calorie drinks. I didn't have dessert. I stayed on track the rest of the day.

I tried.

I might not lose weight this week.

I've had a few things I shouldn't have (mini snickers bar, mini baby ruth, mini heath bars). Mainly, I've had SUGAR. Sugar makes me crave more sugar.

I've been under stress. I don't feel the need to identify it. We all have stress. But it is out of the norm stress which oftentimes ends up in an overcompensation of food in my mouth.

Today I'm allowing myself a little lenience. Not a ton, but a little bit. 
Tomorrow I have to get on track and face forward. 
I have to prepare for Thanksgiving and do very well over the next week.

I haven't given up hope. I've just lost some steam from the first "sprint" of my journey.

Weigh In: 280.

I lost a pound.
I put a period after that because that's what's going on right now: my period.

Not good news on two fronts:
     It can inflate the weight
     It can distort the brain

I won't know if it has inflated my weight until next week. But, generally it does. I hate the fact that I've done well, sacrificed, and stayed within my range all week, only to hop on the scale and it barely moves. OK it moved. But not as much as I wanted it to. I was really hoping to get under 280.

Which leads into the brain distortion. Since I know that being on the period is not the best weigh-in time, I need to remind myself of that.

I ate well this week, I exercised, I was in a pretty good mood. I honestly can't think of anything negative about this week when I think of how I did. So I need to pull my brain away from feeling negative and pouty over a one-pound weight loss.

A pound is a pound, right? I could have stayed the same, and then what? My Wii scale even shot a bunch of flowers and stars and CONGRATULATED me for making my goal (which I didn't remember making - it actually told me to slow down).

Yet I sit here moping.

This week, I noticed my tummy feels smaller.
I've lost a good 8 pounds of sugar from my pouch this past month.
Where would I rather be? Where I was, or where I am now?

SHOOT THE SCALE

My NSV for the month of October: 
My clothes fit better. Even if I didn't have a scale, I would be able to tell that my clothes were not so uncomfortably tight. That was a horrible, horrible feeling. I'm not out of the woods on that, yet, but I'm in a much more comfortable place. I really like how it feels.

I also noticed that I have more energy. I'm not buzzing about looking for more and more to do, but I notice that I have a desire to get out and move. I have a feeling I am an active person trapped in a fat person's body. I wouldn't know any different, because I've always been trapped in this thick layer of fat. For years. For at least two decades.

My goal for the month of November:
     Get below 277 (it's on the sidebar in my "Goals" section).
     To continue on the path I'm on with eating and exercising - I'm doing well; focus and continue.

Happy Halloween

I've told myself I can have a "cheat" day today.
It sounds all nice and wonderful on paper. Reality is different.

Cheat days, or allowing flexibility on a day (one day out of a long stretch of days) doesn't seem to show up so much on the scale. But it always seems to show up in my behaviors, my cravings.

I ate a modest breakfast.
I'm forcing myself to go for a long walk.
I'll allow myself some drinks and merriment later. I plan to splurge any sweet-eating on actual bakery goods (cookies or pie or cake) over candy. If I'm going to nibble something delectable I'd rather it be decent food than candy. At least that's how I feel now. We shall see.

I weighed myself today to remind myself of what my goals are. I was at 280. I don't want to make practice of mid-week weigh ins and rely on the scale too much because I know the scale can be a dastardly liar, and doesn't always reflect true progress. But today I'm looking at the number 289. I could maybe dip under that by the end of the week, God willing. We shall see. Most importantly right now for me is continuing to pay attention to what I'm eating, how I'm moving, and that I'm hydrating myself.

And getting my walk in today. In this cold, cold weather.

I'm stalling.

Wanna hang out and talk for a bit? Have some coffee?

Stalling.

I Made It Through The Weekend - 281

Well, I made it.

We had a wonderful time. It was nice to get away.

I can't say I threw all caution to the wind and ate what I wanted, but I can't say I suffered much in the food department, either. The first day I tried to keep track of what I was eating, but then realized it was fruitless, and I'd have to give it up. I also realized I'm married to the internet when it comes to tracking my food. Because I use SparkPeople, if I'm out the internet, I'm out my valuable tool. Sure I could track on paper if need be, but I wouldn't know my tally.

I didn't like that feeling. I'm going to chew on that a bit. I don't want my success in something to be based off of that. But, diabetics need to monitor their bloodsugar via a device, I may need to keep journaling and counting calories. I won't get hung up on it right now.

The good news is I remained stable over the weekend. Though it seems like I had a 1 pound loss, I really was 281 before the weekend.  So I maintained, even though I went over Friday and Saturday, but I enjoyed myself and didn't worry about my calories. I paid attention to what I was eating, though.

For example, we stopped off at a cheese factory. They had all kinds of cheese, some wine to taste, and ice cream. I saw the ice cream, wasn't really craving it, but wanted to try either the cinnamon or the pumpkin. I chose pumpkin. I didn't want to go to a two-scoop cone. I chose the traditional cone over the waffle (compromising all the way).

When I took my first lick, I was taken aback. The taste fell short. I licked some more, hoping my mouth would adjust favorably. I offered a taste to my husband. I told him to take a big bite so I could get to the cone. It never got better. I asked myself, Why are you eating a cone that you don't like?

I didn't want to waste the money?
I wanted something out of habit?
Both.

I threw it out the window. The price of a wasted cone, at that moment, was worth the few hundred calories I didn't consume. If I wasn't enjoying them - why eat them?

Usually when I give up sweets for any length of time, they don't taste as good to me when I have them. I still crave them and want the flavor on my tongue, but it's not the same. Maybe like giving up smoking. I don't know, I haven't tried again since I quit. But we had cake over the weekend, and a tiny sliver satisfied me. We picked up donuts, and I preferred to snack on my homemade granola instead.

I didn't make progress, but I didn't fall behind. I can settle on that. I made compromises and enjoyed myself. I took two long walks. Now, had it been a week-long trip, I don't know. But a couple days I managed. I immediately got back on track on Sunday.

This week I see Halloween as a day I might splurge, so I need to remind myself to be good and careful the rest of the days.

Happy Monday - have a fantastic week!

Nervous

I'm nervous about going on vacation. It's so much planning. For me, the first few weeks of "getting back on track" I kind of have to shut down on social activities. It's so easy to fall off the path (and so hard to get back on).

I'm glad I've had a few weeks of good choices behind me, and that I'm in that mindset. But I can't help but worry.

I'M SO AFRAID TO GAIN WEIGHT.

I'm afraid for my old patterns to rear their ugly head. It's happened time and time again.

Today I was set to go for dinner with a friend. We went for a walk instead. I can't chalk it all up to making a better choice, it was more circumstances. In a way I wish I would have went to dinner and had the opportunity to test my willpower. But it looks like that will have to wait until I'm out of my element, on the road, in different surroundings.

Gosh, I make it sound like I'm some kind of caged animal up for experiment.

One of the difficulties with travel (for me) is all of the planning that surrounds it. I have to factor in so many different things:

family choices
money
simplicity

I want simple meals, cheap meals - that everyone would eat. But I also want to stay within my calorie range. I guess, if I really wanted to go militant, I could pick up a bunch of Lean Cuisines for myself. Then I can make and feed (whatever to) my family, and have something easy for myself.

Maybe that's what it will take for me. I don't know.

God willing, I'll be back on Monday and I'll be 283 or under.

Have a great week and weekend!

Life Management

My obstacles this week and weekend will be time.

We are going on a small vacation (traveling to visit family). I will be cooking meals while we are away and will have limited access to internet (which is how I track my food). Instead of looking at it as some horrible curse, I will take it on as a challenge. With the beautiful weather we look to have, I should have ample exercise time.

I should be able to plan things out enough that I can get some easy meals in without going over my calorie budget. But, that means I need to prioritize that ahead of other things.

The hard thing, for me, is the more time I put into calorie-tracking, walking, etc., the less time I put into home management and life management.

But, in the long run, if I don't take care of myself and let myself be fat, I'm pretty miserable. I've felt pretty good this week. A couple times I was frustrated that I had to think about food so much and couldn't just eat and not worry about it so much. But logically, that doesn't hit the same level of frustration of not being able to fit into my clothes. Of going to the store and not liking anything because I'm dissatisfied with the body I'm in.

I've been very frustrated lately with my body. I'm sure that frustration has leaked over to other areas of my life.

So, that concept on the tip of my brain - I'm going to get off here and get some things done!