Waiting Is Hard Work

Applying for a job is almost a job in itself.

I've tweaked my resume so many times I don't even know if it's any good because it all looks like gibberish to me now. The last two weeks have been me, in my spare time, spending every waking moment worrying about two jobs. One I've interviewed twice for, and am simply waiting to hear if they will choose me or someone else. The other I've applied for, but the deadline isn't closed yet.

I have prayed over this situation a million times. I'm still stressing.

I don't know why I'm stressing so much. I think some of it is that I put myself out there, and if they reject me, I'll feel personally about it. I'm just as nervous about a rejection as I am about a job offer. The job offer would significantly change my life.

Change it.

That's kind of scary right there.

A rejection would wound my ego. Not exactly life-changing, but a blow.

The not knowing is the worst. Waiting. Contemplating. I'm learning how much of a brooder, worrier I am. I called my mom today and she said I was overthinking.

Really?! How uncommon for me. *rolleyes*

I've literally been at a life stall for two weeks because of this silly job. My mind is racing a million miles a minute. I'm anxious. I'm on pins and needles. I hate it. I hate this about myself. My anxiety, my worries, my constantly turning mind. I wish I could set things aside more.

I haven't really gained weight, but I haven't lost. I thought I should mention that. I'm eating pretty good, but exercise has been minimal, and calorie tracking... sloppy.

But I'm still hanging in there. I want to hear from this job, and the other - and then I need to move on. I desperately need a change in my work. I'm stale, I'm bored, I'm lonely.

Stepping Out Of My Comfort Zone

Hi. I'm fine.

I survived PMS. Actually, I survived it well. My medicine was prayer and conversations with God.

I was also completely wrapped up in preparing and interviewing for a new job. It's a crazy feeling - exciting and maddeningly frightening - I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm part-time. The position is full-time. BIG change for me. But could positively impact our finances.

I went to the interview this week, and got asked back for a 2nd one. I'm nervous. Super nervous. I have the weekend to think about it, but really - it's out of my hands now. They like me, or they wouldn't have asked me back. I'm POSITIVE I could contribute well to their business. I hope I can convey that.

Needless to say my mind has been less on my eating, and more on my life, and just keeping afloat.

This is the busiest time at my work. Today I had to rush straight from work to take a skills test for this job opportunity. Wouldn't you know it - crisis, 3 minutes before I need to leave. I was assertive, and gracious, and left the concerns behind me as much as possible. I have a hard time saying "no" and felt good about myself for doing it this time.

But I'll be honest - by the time I took that test today, my brain was fried. Literally. So I'm not feeling great about how I did.

There's 2 jobs I'm applying for, and really wanting. I like this one for certain reasons, and there's another I've applied but haven't interviewed for. The later one is the one I might actually prefer, but I've really been praying to be led and content with what happens.

So, unfortunately on the losing weight front I've made no progress, but on the life - and stepping out of my own safety zone - I'm making HUGE progress. That is something I can be super proud of!

Non Scale Victories Are The Bomb

It's the weekend. I'm relieved to not be working. It has been a rough week. Always busy at work this time of year.

While I was at work I got a call for an interview, by the way. I was SO happy. I felt a little like I was whispering to my secret lover or something, but I was so happy to get an interview. I don't interview well at all, but just to get my foot in the door.

But that's not why I'm writing. I'm writing because of something that happened twice now, and they were non-scale victories. I don't have many scale victories right now (unless you count staying within 5 pounds is a good thing). Actually I'll take it.

But I'm in a size 24 pants? I guess? I was 26/28 a year ago. I would be excited, but I'm honestly thinking that sizes are more generous. I can't believe that. I feel more bloated in my belly. Here's the digs, though:

• I went to Goodwill (my resource for shopping since I'm changing sizes), and tried on size 24 and they fit. Size 26 was too big. It was weird.

• I went to the store today and couldn't remember what size I was. They only went up to 24. I grabbed them and took them to the room. They were those skinny jeans that taper all the way down the leg. They FIT. They were actually loose in the leg. I'm an apple, so I'm big in the middle and skinny on the legs. I chose 2 pairs to take with me.

• My pajama pants keep slipping off me. One pair I can't keep on, but another slipped off last night. Crazy?

Last year this time, that scenario would have ended with me unable to fit in those pants, sulking, picking up a Snickers, and jetting out of the store. If, at this time next year, I can be down another 40 pounds, I will be THRILLED.

I have to start being so hard on myself, and start focusing on what I've done, how far I've come, and what that means for the potential to go even farther.

Dangit

I did it again.

I feel bad for anyone who has to share space with me today. Me and my gas. I feel myself rearing up on that monthly friend and the cravings were intense. It's weird, how the body works. I have to put my willpower in check here, and ask it to man up, though. Period is no excuse.

The shame is, that, for each of those three candies I've consumed - I've drank a glass of wine.

Whaaaat?

Yeah. I said that. I'm being honest because it's either that - or you don't hear from me.

I need to look at what is driving this.

HORMONES. For sure. Undoubtedly. I could ignore that, but hormones have caused women to murder their own children. I can't do anything about the hormones directly, I guess. I can take the prozac (I didn't this month), but prozac isn't a hormone. It's an SSRI. I wish they could make an anti/pro hormone pill that works similarly. I've taken progesterone, and it magnified my issues. I've accepted... well, I'm accepting this is an issue for me and I need to figure out how to work around it.  I'm not sure if holing up with a bottle of wine and a bag of Russell Stover is the way to go.

Or is it?

STRESS. That's another one. Although, I've recognized that and am trying to deal with it better. Today was a rough day at work. My boss was not in the office, but she barked at me through email like a nagging disease, constantly sending me commands. I typed up a manuscript that she wanted done, completely formatted it - and then she sent me her "revised, updated version" even though it was past the deadline for such things. I was passive aggressive and pretended I didn't get the email until about 45 minutes before I had to leave. I know that's not right, and it's not helpful. I used to be so direct with people, and now I fail to do so.

I worry about feelings, consequences, and what people think of me. If you asked anyone I know, they would not identify that as a concern with me, but I think it's something I inherited from my mother, and you know the older you get the more that stuff starts to creep out? Well, there it is. I'm becoming her, and I really don't like it. Love her, but celebrate our differences.

Whoa. This third glass of wine isn't going down so easy. And I'm not craving the candy anymore. I think I've hit my wall. I've got a million and one things to do, too (dinner, laundry, checkbook balancing, bill-paying)... but I wanted to check in here and keep myself accountable.

I'm still under calories, by the way. And instead of indulging food-wise, I ate a huge tomato salad with homemade ranch dressing. If I can balance it, I'll go for a walk tonight. All is not lost.

Reassessing My Goals

I want to take a look at my goals. I made some notes in red.

MAJOR GOALS

 238 (100 pounds GONE)

(want to get here by 10/13)

I'm not sure I can do this. I doubt it. If I get under 250 by this time I'll be happy. I'm having a really hard time breaking 250.

Mini Goals

2013

 fit comfortably into black jeans 

Almost here. Almost. Those stupid jeans are seriously out of style at this point, but I want to be able to wear them comfortably just once.

 below 250

If I don't make this before 2013 waves goodbye, I'm going to be severely disappointed with myself. Seriously. 

 size 24 pants

I'm actually there already. 

 clothes too loose
Yeah, this needs a little more time - my old clothes are too loose, but I'd like my current clothes to be too loose. So it's Round 2 of clothes too loose, maybe.

 jog 1 mile
I really don't care about this, to be honest. My health monitor should be a consistent pattern of 3x walking per week, 30 mins. - and then go from there. So maybe I'll set a goal based off of that.

I think I need to focus on some consistency. Making things habit. I've made my eating habit, and really have stayed well with lower carb foods, but I need to make my walking habit, too, my journaling habit. That's when I do best with weight loss. I've been maintaining without journaling, which is fantastic. But I do think being more diligent with counting calories puts me in a better position to lose weight. So, for the next 30 days, I'll work on those things:

30-DAY CHALLENGE
Minimum 3x30 walking workout.
Journaling food.

That's not too hard. I can manage that. I want to feel amazing again. I felt amazing getting down to the 250s, but now it's become normal and I feel fat and bulky. I need to continue.

 Goals Achieved 

 stay below 300

 Bike the 5-mile loop, no stopping

 below 290 (8/24/12)

 below285 (10/12)

 below 277 (11/12/12)

 below 269 (1/2 way to goal) (1/28/13)

 fit comfortably into clothes again (1/13)

 260 (lower than my lowest) 4/22/13

 257 (see this) 4/29/13

 someone ask if I've lost weight (not family)(6/13)

I Overindulged On Labor Day

I should update here.

Today is the first day back to school for my kids. The house is quiet, but empty without them here. I have a list of things I need to do and know I will not have enough time to do all of it. But I'm at peace. I'll do what I can do.

A backpack.
Dinner.
Laundry.

I can handle those things.

The rest... we'll see.

¶

I went off my low carb"diet" on Labor Day.

Not for the entire day, but for a meal. I had a beer. I had macaroni and cheese. I had potatoes. I had wine (normally I allow that, but I'm throwing it in there). I had cake. And pie. And then I had another bite of the cake. And the pie.

And then I started to feel sick. Not like just my tummy was about to explode, but like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin and pump my stomach sick. I had this feeling once before when I drank wine and ate dinner at a friend's house. I think there was hidden carbs/sugar in the chicken's sauce, and I didn't have enough other non-carb fillers to buffer the blow.

I literally thought I was going to melt. I can't explain the feeling, but it's beyond a pat on the tummy to indicate a well-indulged meal. It's a feeling like something is freaking WRONG in my system, and my body wants to expel it, even if it has to squirt it through my eyeballs.

It was nice to just eat like everyone else and not worry about it. I still loaded up on meat and kept the others to small portions, but after having none, even small portions is a shock. I do have to say that over and above the dessert (which was SO good), was the macaroni and cheese. I'll have to try that using cauliflower instead for a sub, because I really do enjoy that recipe. I enjoy mac and cheese.

I also was a bloated animal, weighing 258 on the scale the next day. I'm down to 255 today, but I can see that the ramifications are lasting a bit.

However, I think I needed that "cheat day/meal" - I have been for a while. It reminded me of why I'm eating the way I'm eating. I felt somewhere on the scale of that ickiness quite often while I was eating carbs, and it wasn't pleasant.

I'll keep figuring this out. Right now I need to refocus on losing weight. I won't make that 100 pound loss by my deadline. But I bet I can make it by Christmas if I really try. What a treat it would be to me to be able to feel baggy in my comfortable clothes now? It would be a HUGE treat. I'm not at a weight that I think is sustainable for ever, though, I could. It's better than 338 or 295. But I'd like to get rid of another 50ish pounds and see if I can maintain that.

I hope by this time next year I'm at that point. I certainly could be.