Weigh In: 280

OK, so I did lose this week.  I think some of that might have to do with the fact that I've been feeling so cruddy.  So, even though I'm happy, I'm still a bit not feeling all victorious because I know this appetite is coming back.

Don't get me wrong - I'll take that loss, and hope to make it more.  Soon. I did say I wanted to leave July under 280 (I think), but I don't think that will exactly happen.

Anyway, feeling a bit better.  Keep plugging away, I will.

Checking In

Nothing much to report.

I've been not feeling well for a couple of days.  Great, I don't eat much.  No so great because I haven't hardly been off the couch.  Ack.  Sometimes I think that makes a person feel worse.

I don't know what it is.  Suspected food poisoning/ate something bad at a social outing over the weekend.  I also over-indulged and had some sweets and carbs - but I wouldn't think that would upset my gastric track for 2 days.  Blah.  I can still get up and around, I'm not completely flat out, but my house is a mess and I'm exhausted.  My stomach has been pinching up.

I also have IBS, so this could be a bout of that, with all of the stress the last few days.  I haven't had a bout in a while, though.

Makes me worry, frustrates me.  Always seems like such a wonderful thing to relax on the couch all day I should try to embrace it, lol.  But it's different when your gut is pinching up.  I feel lazy.

At any rate, I'm going to try to get out for a walk a little later when the weather cools down.  It certainly can't hurt.

Weary

I'm too accustomed to bottling things up.  It's been my survival mechanism for years.  Ten years.

I know I've said we have a family member with some pretty deep issues, and that person can destroy your day with a phone call.  Similar to some of the stuff on Intervention, but with our own mix of pain and confusion.  There are times where it feels like life might be normal, and then there are the times where it is normal -- our normal -- and I feel like my insides are crying.  Everything inside is broken and sad, but I still have to plug away and walk around like a capable human being.

I swear to everything it seems like when I feel like I've got some sort of handle on things, life goes sideways for this person.  I've really gotten better at not letting it rule me, but it's unnatural.  When someone you love is in pain, drowning, it is unnatural not to try to save them, but at some point it's what you have to do.  Instinct says throw a lifesaver, jump in with all your clothes.  Reach them! Instead, you stand on the shore and watch them bob up and down, gasping for air, arms, eyes, skin reaching for you... as they kick themselves deeper into water.  Catch me if you can.

It's a dangerous game.  It wrenches your insides in directions like a roller coaster, a sickening ride. Mental illness/addiction in families turns everything so upside-down skewed sideways that if you've never dealt with it, you never understand.

I have a love/hate relationship with almost everything.

Last week when I got the dreaded call that this person was going to face some uncomfortable consequences for their continued poor decision-making, my heart sank.  My shell instantly sprang from wherever it sits semi-dormant.  I did what I could to get through the next few hours, trying not to ride on the wave of emotion that this person is addicted to.  Tears pushed inside, confused, twisted.

After there was no more for us to do, my husband and went to get a beer.

We walked in, hoping for a moment's peace, ended up seeing people we know.

People we care about, enjoy, and would love to be with any other time.

We both locked up our secrets and emotions and played normal.  Something we've gotten good at.

Our friends sat, and for the next 20 minutes, proceeded to whine about the difficulties they are dealing with as their remodeling project drags on and on and ON.

Normally the guttural urge to simply face-punch would grip me.  But my sadness on that day was rooted so deeply that I had given up on even fantasizing about such a thing.  I listened, I consoled.  Not two seconds after that couple left, I exchanged glances with my husband.  We didn't have to say anything.

Maybe that's what keeps us together.  Besides not having the strength or resources for a divorce (and pretty deep feelings regarding that all together), we are just to weary.  Life itself takes so much work that there's nothing leftover.  This is the easiest thing.

I can't really think about that right now, about our relationship.  Because it seems stupid.

Everything seems pretty stupid right now.

Do you know what it feels like, for real, not knowing and somewhat expecting to get a call?  THAT call? Having to live life, braced?  It sucks.  We're all fragile.  I know this.  Any moment can be anyone's last.  I know, I'm just not talking about that kind of fragile life.  I hate even talking about it, period.  I'm wading through each day trying not to live like I'm wading through each day.

I'm trying, and I've succeeded a lot of the time.

Weigh In: 283

I'm trying to update my weigh ins (and everything on this site, I suppose), but my laptop battery is getting low, so it might have to wait until next time.

Basically I'm back to where I was before my mini-vacation. Not exactly what I wanted, TO RELOSE THE SAME WEIGHT AGAIN, but that's just the way it is.

My biggest happiness of the past week is that I was able to remain under 284 over the weekend.  I did socialize, went to a grill out, had a couple drinks.  But I stuck to my low-carb, didn't eat any bread or anything.  I had a couple bites of a pie, that was my treat.  And one very light beer.  That's it.

All good.

Now, I have some incredibly stressful family crap to wade through, and a job interview next week.

I don't know how I keep my sanity.  I'll be happy if I'm at 282 next week.  One pound.  Just one.

Super quick NSV:  My clothes are feeling a bit better.  I really truly could feel a difference at 290.  I know that I can feel a difference at 275-270 as well.  It's going to be a while, but I'm really going to work to get there and to stay there.  Right now, my goal is just to get to where I was (249).  Maybe even maintain it for quite some time, and then work at getting lower.  But I just want to get there.  I don't want to leave August still in the 280s.

Weigh In: 285 (Day 3)

Last day.  At least that's the plan.  Day 2 of anything seems to always be the hardest, and I'm glad I got through it.  I was craving wine, and ogling my kid's pizza, but I was mostly feeling like my body needs this sort of "fast" right now, and leaning into that.

Today I pumped up the fats this morning by adding coconut oil to my coffee, and peanut butter to my shake.

So my shake looked like this:

1 Level Life chocolate shake
32 grams peanut butter (no sugar added, just peanut butter)
1/2 cup blueberries

Not bad.  Kept me going until early afternoon, and that was with some cleaning and gardening.    I'm a good portion of the way through my day and am just having my first cup of soup now.  It's really a 2-cup serving.  I'll probably have some sort of protein tonight (more than likely some salmon that I have), more soup, and at least one more shake.

I like that I don't have to think so much about my food.  I know it's waiting for me in the fridge, and I know I can add some low-carb things to keep me level and productive and keep those around me alive and safe from my meltdowns. Hahaha.  I really can't truly fast on water and nothing else, like my husband does.  He says it's good to do sometimes.  There are many days he simply won't eat all day at work, and then will eat when he gets home.  I'm not able to function like that.  But I can function like this.  It might be something to add to my arsenal.

I'll admit, I've been off the last few days and don't have to go back to work tomorrow, either, so it makes this a whole heck of a lot easier.  I'm not sure if I could do this while working or not.  We shall see.  I'm sure it will be harder the next time around, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too terribly much.  But I can't expect everything to be easy.  I remember doing South Beach Diet and not making it the whole two weeks.  I made it a week.  The second time I felt so cruddy I didn't even make it a week, if I remember correctly.

Anyway, I feel good today.  So far.

DAY 4 UPDATE:

The scale read 284 today.  All in all I'm down 6 pounds in 3 days.

I made it through my 3-day kickstart.  Still would say that the 2nd day was the absolute worst.  It's the 4th day now as I update this and I'm still kind of weaning off the shakes and soup.  I had a shake for breakfast and then some soup later, and a shake.  I also had some pork and a sweet potato (I had a sweet potato last night).  I might have more soup later, but my calories are pretty much used up for today.

I don't expect much more from this, to be honest.  I know that I have some celebrations this weekend, and it's going to be hard to keep 284, let alone go down from there.  But I'm hoping that I'll be way more cautious and intentional over the weekend, in hopes that by my next weigh in (Wednesday), I'll be at 284 still.  I might have to make another batch of soup, though.  I think I will still keep eating that through tomorrow, and then probably some also on Saturday to fill up.  It's easy.

Again, part of what I like best is that I'm just not thinking about it.

However, I have to say that --for me-- it is incredibly difficult to focus on myself.  The last three days I've not had my normal energy.  Yesterday I felt pretty good, but I just feel a bit slow.  Maybe I'm consciously trying to slow down.  But I just can't keep up with housework and everyone's schedules and everything else when I'm trying to better myself.

I can see there's definitely a challenge trying to figure out how to take care of everyone else and myself.  I did do it before, though.  I honestly don't know how, but I did.

Day 2 - 287

I'm writing these as my day goes along.  So today my weight was 287.

This morning I added an avocado and some frozen blueberries to my smoothie.  That definitely upped the calorie intake right off the bat, but that's OK.  If I had a normal metabolism and didn't deal with hypoglycemia I might not have done that, and tried the traditional way of doing the diet.  If I did that, though, I would have to have nobody around me and 1000 movies to watch, and to never get off the couch, saving my energy.

That's not my life.  I went outside to weed and work in the garden and need to get some stuff done around the house, run to the store.  No way could I do it today - I don't think - on the shakes and soup.  But maybe.  I guess we'll never know.

So I had my shake+avocado+blueberries, and then an hour later I had some soup.  I've already got my 6 glasses of water in, and I feel like I can get out and do my things without getting ravished or having to take a shake on ice with me.  I probably will have to use the bathroom though.

(Later...)

Well, I made a mistake on thinking I had enough in me to run errands.  By the second store I was ready to eat the car seat.  My stomach was growling.

I drank water.

I felt kind of woozy, but hadn't made it to the grocery store that I planned on going to in the first place.  I knew the store usually had samples, and though I am trying really hard to stay the course, I also don't want to pass out while running errands with my kid.

We got the the store, and I picked a strawberry, blueberry, about 1 oz. of cheese (all samples).  That really did the trick for me.  I was able to finish up shopping without feeling so horrible.

NOTE:  A small amount of something can satisfy true hunger.  Not cravings, that's different.  But true hunger.  The past two days I've had samples at stores, small amounts.  Both times it held me through.  I think part of that is my determination to stop the course of this shipwreck I've been steering, but part of it is just the plain old truth.  Also, having the water bottle with me helped shut down my growling tummy, too.

I did have some bacon today, but I needed it.  I can't run on this soup and veggies or whatever else the actual diet says.  I need my fats.  I feel like I need some more carbs, but honestly --for me-- I do better with the lower carb, higher fat.

On to Day 3, my last day.  Technically.  I don't know if I will continue with the soup or not.  I have enough shakes and soup to stretch to a Day 4, but I find my energy is pretty low and I need to get some things done.  We'll see.

Cabbage Soup Day 1 Recap - 290

Day 1 of my RESET.  I'm drinking protein shakes (two kinds), and eating cabbage soup.  The

The cabbage soup comes from the Cabbage Soup Diet - google it.  It's been around a while.  I've eaten it before.  I doubled this and made a huge pot.  I also added extra pepper flakes and some Sriracha sauce because I like spice.  And a cup of corn.  And some lime. People eat this for seven days, I'm doing it for three.  I'm mostly doing it because it is low calorie, warm, and I want something I don't have to think about making for a couple days.  Something easy to grab.

It does sort of go against all my feelings for quick fixes and diet fads.  But it's not so much a quick fix on weight loss for me (although losing the 5 pounds I just gained would be nice); I have way too many pounds to lose.  But it's an approach to zapping my cravings, and getting me in line.  The diet has different foods to eat, depending on the day.  I'm really just using the soup, the shakes, and improvising, but trying to keep it to those two things as much as possible.

CABBAGE SOUP
Ingredients
½ head of cabbage, chopped (I used pre-shredded cabbage, aka cole slaw)
1 cup diced celery
1 cup onion, diced
1 cup carrots, diced
1 green bell pepper, diced
2-3 cloves garlic, minced
4 cups chicken broth
14 oz can basil, oregano, garlic diced tomatoes
1 teaspoon oregano
1 teaspoon basil
½ teaspoon red pepper flakes
black pepper, to taste
½ teaspoon salt (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS:
Heat 2 tablespoons of olive oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add celery, onions, bell peppers, and carrots. Saute until slightly tender. Stir in garlic. Add chicken broth. Stir in diced tomatoes (with juice - the whole can) and cabbage. Stir in spices and cook until cabbage is tender. Taste broth and adjust seasoning if needed.  I added the juice of half a lime, too.  I also don't like my veggies too soft, so I don't cook them all the way.

Original recipe says it makes enough for about 3 days, but that might be eating it all day?  Not sure.

Today has been OK.  I had my coffee and cream (2 cups) in the morning, followed by a Muscle Milk.   I went on about my morning and a couple hours later realized I was STARVING and feeling shaky and yuck.  I had my Level Life shake, drank some water, and headed out to do some light shopping.  

I really wasn't feeling well.  I should have had that shake earlier, I suppose.  I went into Costco and started shopping and did have one sample - chicken breast, plain - literally a bite of chicken.  I figured that was better than passing out, which was how I was feeling.  The shake must have made it into my system, and the chicken stopped my growling tummy.  I felt fine after that. 

When I got home I immediately started to assemble my soup.  I was actually looking forward to it.   One of my kids did remark on how snappy I was today.  It hurt my feelings.  I didn't want to say it was because I was denying myself regular food, though.  My kids wouldn't understand.  If I said I was trying to quit smoking they might (no, I don't smoke).  As it cooks now, it smells yummy.  I can't wait to dig in.  I don't even care that I can't have bread and butter or anything else.  I want my soup! 

I had another shake, this time pouring it into one of my favorite mugs to make it feel more special.

Nothing exciting, but I did prefer that to drinking it from the package it came in.

I think in total I had 4 cups of the soup and 4 shakes.  Then about 10PM I broke down and had a piece of fried chicken.  My stomach hurt, and I wanted to have a decent night sleep.  My calories were at >1000, and that's ridonkolous.

At any rate, that's what it is.  I think I drank ~13 cups of water, probably more.

I did not hit my 10,000 steps, I did not go on a walk.  Can't handle everything at once.

Woke up in the morning and I weigh 287.

290 - Getting Real

This, and some cabbage soup, are my diet for the next couple of days.  At least that's my plan.  It's not a perfect plan.  But, as you can see from the title of this post, I hit 290.  After a weekend away.  I thought I did better.  I thought I maintained.  But really I think I ignored and hoped.

I'm not entirely torn up about it.  It is a reality check and I can decide what I want to do with it.  Lean into it and stay there (or worse, go UP), or get real and get to business.

I'm trying to get real and get to business.  But I need to exercise some control over the power food has on me.  I love it.  I think about it a lot.  I'm happy to do the extra work of making a meal because he reward is eating it.  But I do remember the more I controlled myself in the past, the less food had control over me.  

I truly do think a LOT of it (for me) has to do with sugar cravings; carb cravings.  I can't say that I will be able to go to the extreme of my previous carb control efforts, but I certainly can reign it in a bit before I have more regrets and much more to lose.

My biggest motivation isn't my health, although I know it should be.  It's my clothes.  The simplicity of fitting into a t-shirt without it riding up my tummy.  Jeans without them cutting into my gut.  A lot of the freedoms being 40+ pounds lighter awarded me.  It felt better.  

It was work though.

These difficult days are lifelong.  If I'm fortunate, there will be many more trips, events, parties... I have to figure out how to navigate them.  How to enjoy myself and still lose weight, maintain, and not gain. 

It's SO FREAKING HARD.  I have plenty of friends who are able to do that.  BUT THEY DON'T HAVE MY ISSUES WITH FOOD.  I try to eat like other people, but I just can't.  Not without paying for it later.  One of my best friends is rail thin.  She drinks beer all the time.  She never gains, never gets a pot belly.  I have to remember I'm not her, I guess.  I never will be.  I'm me.

Anyway.  The next couple days are going to be hard.  I'd like to get through three days of really just eating shakes and cabbage soup - just to break this cycle I'm on.  I don't really have any events that should tempt me, so I should be able to manage.

Wish me luck.

Am I Chasing A Pipe Dream?

Every day is a new day, but it IS still built on the past.  My past has me re-losing weight that I don't want to have to do, but nevertheless I'm doing. As she says, "I'm not making something new, I'm cleaning a mess I made."  Super frustrating, but there it is.

This past week or so I've been doing better.  Not the best, but better.  But I haven't lost weight.  I've been moving more, and that is always good.

I'm in a few challenges on fitbit, and that helps to motivate me somewhat.  Weekend Warrior, Workweek Hustle.  One day I took three walks.  I wouldn't have done that if my step-counter wasn't holding me accountable.  So that's a win.

My eating has been ho-hum.  Today I went out and had 2 doughnuts.  I don't normally do that, and could have easily avoided it.  In fact the first place we stopped was closed so we had to go even farther out of our way to seek out the doughnuts.  I made a conscious decision.  There it is.

And then I came home and did a walking workout.  That felt good, although I have some back pain that's made it difficult to do much more than a regular walk.  I did some good stretches after and am crossing my fingers that I don't wake up tomorrow bathed in regrets.

I regret that I'm back here again.

I'm not all the way at 338 (I truly don't know why/how, but I'm not), but I'm back at a weight my body is all too happy to settle in at.

I worry this might "just be me" and I'll never get there, or anywhere.  I have to live in this rut I've created, or was dealt.  I worry about that a lot.  There's something about being over 300 pounds that just isn't the same as someone who is only 40 pounds overweight.

I wonder if I can truly be at 200 pounds and stay there without having to spend a majority of my time consumed with how I'm going to maintain it.  

Am I chasing a pipe dream?

Is the only way for me to stay under 200 pounds by body modification (bypass and skin removal)?  I can't see that happening for me.  I have no money to do it.  What are the chances of success without it, though, truly?

I'm not saying I give up.  Right now I'm just fighting to maintain a 280 pound body and not go higher.  Imagine that.  Most people really don't have to imagine fighting to stay 280 pounds.

The curse of being fat is just that.

I'm not saying I give up.  I'm just saying it will never end.