Yup, I Still Hate The Treadmill

For the last few weeks I've been able to pump out one good hour-long workout. I don't really like it (remember, I HATE working out), but  I do it.

At the gym, this consists of a 1-hour treadmill torture session.

Today, I told myself just 45 minutes. I think I lie to myself just to get me in the door.

I hoped on and got up to my baseline (3mph with an incline of 3.0). Much faster than 3mph and I'm nearly jogging or falling off the end. Three seems to be a good number for me for now. It used to be 2-something and then 2.5 (back 40 pounds ago) so I'll take three for now.

There are times when I want to break out in a sprint, but I don't. Not yet. I'm not sure if I just like the workout of the incline, or if I want to go a faster pace. We'll see. I'm saving any attempt at running for when I'm at a lower weight.

I hovered between 3.5 and 5.5, back and forth. Then at the end I go up by one until I hit 8, then back down to 4 for a bit. It was a good workout. I left feeling good, which isn't normal for me.

250.8

Last time I was 251 on the button.

I didn't expect to be anywhere but up, so I'll take it. I think there's a good chance I'll be below 250 by the end of June if I don't lose my head. I've got about 10 days to keep it together.

I've been sluggish all week, but trying to keep my activity up. Yesterday after getting off work I FORCED myself to go for a walk before getting too comfortable at home.

I took a nice, long walk (my walks have gone from 20 minutes to 30 minutes and now to 40 minutes to be considered a real walk). I didn't listen to headphones, I just went. It was nice out, but warm. I relished each patch of shade, each breeze. It was like honey.

I went for one more quick walk again last night (20 minutes) after it cooled off. It's nice to go for a walk because I want to, because it feels good, rather than for torture in the name of exercise.

My Fitbit topped out at 12,000-something steps, which was good.

Today I got up, got the kids ready to go do their things, and told myself I was going to the gym.

NEVER DO I WANT TO GO TO THE GYM.

Just want to make sure that's clear if it hasn't already been made so. *grin*

My plan got thwarted and I ended up talking myself out of gym time. Instead I went on a bike ride that burned a hole through my lungs and set my throat on fire. First bike ride of the season and I literally had to pray for strength on each hill.

It was a good workout.

I hadn't eaten, though, before it - so maybe that's why I felt kind of tanked? But I do notice with my low carb diet I don't get that shaky I-need-a-snack bull-ony that I used to get when I'd work out.

I still feel like I could use a cool down walk or something, I don't know. Or maybe I'm just antsy today. A little of both. I might wait until the weather cools down a bit and go for a walk. I might not. The power of choice. I've been contemplating biking to work, but I just don't know.

All in all, I'm hanging in here. I realized yesterday that I might not be losing at the rate I'd like, but I am losing. And even if I weren't, I'm maintaining my loss. Maintenance is no joke, either. I wasn't sure I'd get to where I am. It's been so slow, but somewhat steady. I sure wish it were faster. But this is my body, and I continue to hope that slow means permanent. That slow means I'm adjusting and adapting, and my body is ready to make this the new me.

This also means that, at the rate I'm going, I'll only be 10 more pounds down this fall (240), and I really wanted to lose 100 pounds by the time the kids go back to school (238). That's only 2 pounds off. My "real goal" was to get to 228. I just wanted to get past that 100 pound hump decisively. I really hope I can do it.

I feel like hitting the 250s was a new chapter for me, and getting below that 100 pound mark will be as well. Then getting below the 200s. Then maintaining.

By this time next year I should be into maintenance, right?

It's All A Psychological Game

I was contemplating taking down my last post. There's a guilt feeling in the pit of my stomach for being so negative and probably for being honest, too.

But these are the things that are troubling me, and the things I need to deal with head on if I'm going to keep swimming by.

There's always going to be something. Primarily I need to get over the fact that I CAN'T CONTROL THE WORLD.

I can't control my kids.
I can't control my friends.
I can't control the outcome of sticky situations.
I can't control the my husband's reactions.
I can't control the weather.

There's a million and one things in the world that I can't control, and only one that I can.

MYSELF.

Big newsflash, eh? I know. I know. Stating the obvious. But I really need to work on this if I'm going to set things straight. I think part of the reason I get so disappointed in life is that I live in fear of too many things. That fear shouldn't control me.

I fear for my kid's future.
I fear for my friends.
I fear situations that are sad, scary.
I fear a life of a mediocre marriage.

I let myself believe I have some sort of control over things (if I do this, that will happen - if I say this maybe I'll get the result I want). Some of it is control-based, and some of it is slightly OCD based. Neither one is healthy or good. I realize part of it is just who I am, but I don't have to have it everything I am - and those are the times when I'm least happy.

I read a lot of devotionals today, and tried to get inside myself a bit. Tried to loosen the reigns on things. Disappointments. Being so disappointed in everyone else, when it is only myself who I can change, and who is probably disappointing me the most.

I don't want to be remembered as an miserable, angry mom/neighbor/friend. That's not uplifting to anyone else and certainly doesn't help me live with myself. That anger and frustration I feel just spills over in me trying to fix everyone else, I guess. Me, trying to have everyone else make up for deficits that I feel.

For the most part.

I don't want to poo-poo my marriage and some of the things going on with that. It isn't all roses for everyone, and there are definite struggles. It is a struggle for me. It has been off and on for a long time. To not admit that would be stupid. I think those feelings boil over into other areas of my life, too. It sucks, but it is there and it will be there if I lose weight or stay the same.

All of it will.

Except I'll be fat and unhappy, and staring at my closet again crying instead of just grabbing pants and pulling them on.

Today is better than where I was. I need to stay on track and remember that 6 months from now could be even more glorious if I trust and continue and not give up.

It's stay the same or keep moving, right?

This Entry Is Brought To You By Merlot... And Ice Cream

Red wine is good for you.
Ice cream... I don't know. But it is low carb, no sugar (stevia). It hit the spot.

A month ago I felt slim, trim, and happy with where I was. Recently I just feel pudgy and slow. I don't know if that goes back to being depressed, or if it is just the swing of things.

I haven't been able to stick under my calories OR stick to having drinks only twice per week. This week turned out to be more taxing than I anticipated. Between all of the scheduled events, being alone to run things most of the time - we also had some medical emergencies in our house which were pretty scary, and ended us in the ER for a while. It is about all I can handle to not completely revert into super poor eating.

I've not tracked calories too well. I've not exercised. But I've been aware. And I'm hanging in there.

I weighed myself today and I was 251 on the nose. So, in reality I've lost a tiny bit. But you know how that goes - on Wednesday I could step on there and be up to 254. Who knows?

Right now I'm incredibly stressed.

I (literally) hate my job. I dread going nearly every day and almost continually fantasize about quitting. I applied for 5 jobs today. I hope something bites.

I'm worried about our family's health concern. Not only am I worried, but it brings back emotions from past traumas that are hard to stuff down.

My marriage. It's frustrating. It's not where I'd like it to be at all and hasn't been for a while. We've talked about things a million times but nothing changes. Not ever. I feel like I carry the brunt of the household on my shoulders. If anything needs to be fixed or planned - I do it. It is exhausting and unfair.

I wish I were different (on the inside). I feel angry, bitter, and resentful so much. I work hard to change that, but it's like cutting off a cancer that keeps growing back.

Hello Friday

My week is going pretty well. Better, now, that it is Friday and I'm done with work. Yay.

It's been one long week.

Long.
Week.

My husband has been working long days, and I've been in single mom mode for the majority of the week. I would feel sorry for him, but there are times I feel I have the short end of the stick. I jest. Or do I?

I've done pretty well, worked out twice (cursing under my breath both days - just feeling tired). I've kept my calories tight, too.

I've had eggs for breakfast, a shake for lunch, a snack later, and usually a salad with chicken on it for dinner. Nothing too sexy. I wish I could tell you I now weight 245 pounds, but... yeah, I don't. I'm just hanging in there right now.

But it's weird. I feel bloated. My pants feel tight. It's odd. Who knows. I'm not going to worry about it right now. I need to just get through this week right here and relax.

I made a trip to Costco and made the the royal mistake of going hungry. Since I bought the kids food, I also picked some up for myself - a Polish dog, hold the bun.

It was decent. But when I went to plug it in to my SparkPeople nutrition thingy - 570 calories.

WhatTheWhat?!

Really.

You can see it here: Costco Nutrition

Dandy. I have 300 calories left for the day and it's barely 5pm.

I might go over today, I'm just saying.

I need to get one more good workout in, though, and maybe a simple walk today. It's been kind of warm and rainy, so I had to do a Walk Away the Pounds on one of my days, rather than hit the gym. Well, it wasn't really the rain. I locked my keys in the car, so I couldn't get to the gym - and my sunglasses were also in the car, so I didn't want to be out on a sunny day walking or biking without them.

Walk Away the Pounds gave me NO excuse not to do anything, so I punished myself with the 3-mile workout.

Have a good weekend, fatties.

Weigh In And Thoughts About Depression

I don't think my struggles are unilaterally worse than anyone else. I just know they are my own struggles. I can compare them to people worse off and try to feel better about myself, and I can compare them to people who have it better and feel worse. Neither option bears much fruit.

I know I've said before that I struggle with depression. On the whole I am a more negative (says my husband, I say I am realistic) person. The times in my life where I've conditioned myself to seek out the positive, I've felt better.

But it doesn't come naturally.

I've made it a more consistant part of my life, but it isn't me, or my norm.

This morning it is muggy. Wet, miserable. Not a "beautiful day" weather-wise. I feel a cloud over my head - nothing pertaining to the weather, it is more pertaining to my life. The passage of time that I can't stop. Yesterday we had a graduation. As much as it is a small thing, my emotions feel it as something large. It's a last. It is an ending to another chapter in my kid's life - and probably more to the core - in my own life.

There's an optimist in me that buds and smiles, and sees the moment for what it is - a blessing. A fortunate event that not everyone gets. But there's the core me - or the shell of me, I don't know - that hungers for time to slow down. That looks at where I thought I'd be this time in my life and realizes I'm not there.

So it hovers, hides, suprises me when I least expect it.

Waking up. Checking email. Making breakfast and realizing the ice machine is jammed. The words that came out of my mouth were of irritation beyond an ice machine being jammed.

Frustrated, sad, mourning, scared. Feeling a loss of control.

Lori wrote in my comments:

The problem is trying to figure out how to work our plans in the midst of the chaos. I am coming to believe that is what it takes to keep it off, the figuring out how to lose in real life.

Couldn't be truer. How do I work my plans when my head is telling me my problems are so big (even if they aren't - or are)?

Celebrations bring on emotions - good and bad. I want to drink, I want to eat - I want to celebrate with food.

Sadness - food, drink.

Fear - food, drink.

Anger - drink, food.

Yesterday I did OK. We were invited out to drinks, but I declined. I wanted to, I did. But I declined. Instead we ended up going somewhere with just our own family unit and eating. It wasn't where I wanted to go. I was a bit angry because the menu doesn't lend itself to what I've been eating. There's anger again. Frustration. But I ordered a salad and made a go of it.

Then my husband kept asking me to go out with him, go for a drink, or a dinner. It frustrates me, too. Drinks, dinner - calories, more food choices. Right now I want less food choices.

The other day I was reading a post over at 300 Pounds Down about Sugar, Food Addiction, and Gaining Control Over Food. It's a long post. But if you read farther down, she talked about how she goes on a 1-week shake "fast" of sorts. She calls it a "detox." At any rate, she drinks shakes - lots of them.

The less time you spend thinking about food–the better. You want your focus OFF the food not on it. The more you think about it, plan it, talk about it….the worse it becomes.

Makes sense to me. That is often part of my problem. The having to think, to plan, to strategize. If I start getting fatigued, I start talking myself out of it. Pushing myself to take the easier route. Sometimes I just need to NOT THINK ABOUT FOOD.

I knew it would be a heart-heavy week, and I have enlisted on my own shakes:

1 Scoop Jay Robb Egg White Protein Vanilla
5g Coco Powder
1 cup Almond Coconut Milk (unsweetened)

That's the base. I'll add some heavy whipping cream, avocado, or peanut butter to it for some fat.

I've drank one of those 2 times a day, instead of food or snack. It's a no-brainer. It tastes fine. It helps me avoid thinking, but it still supplies me with calories so I'm not at a huge deficit.

The hard thing is I can't take it to work, so I'll probably have to grab some pre-made shakes. It isn't ideal or anything, but it's what I need right now to stay afloat.

I still have to cook for my family, which isn't easy, but I am blessed to have them - which is a better way of looking at it. Some day they will be grown and gone on to their own families, and I will miss this meal planning, shopping. I know I will. I do already and it hasn't happened yet.

WEIGH IN

Would you believe it if I told you I was 251.2?!

I hardly do. Maybe it is the shakes from this week? That's only two days. I don't know. I went to the gym, though. I'm curious to see what it might be next week if I can stay the course.

My Last Post Was Almost A Month Ago

Sigh.

I suppose it is bound to happen. Stalls. Gains. Bumps, Fall-offs. Slips.

I don't know what you'd call what is happening to me, but I'd label it as something that started with a stall out at 252, and has been frustrating ever since.

It's been a month and nothing is changing. I've hovered between 252 and 254, but I don't want to hover. Hovering, at this stage in the game, will lead to eventual gaining weight. I need to continue to lose or the frustration and emotions will set in, and I'm not ready to deal with that right now.

I can think of reasons I may be stalling:

• alcohol
• lack of intentional movement
• artificial sweeteners

I can think of reasons I should be losing:

• staying within my calorie range
• more movement than normal

I guess I have to remove some of the reasons from the "why I might be stalling" category before I can rightfully complain.

So, here I go - putting myself on one of those 7-day jump starts on one of the worst weeks to be pulling reigns in.

Rarely is there a solid week that is a "good" week to do it, especially in summer. This week we have a graduation, I have my girl's night out, and Father's Day. Three "difficulty" days that could introduce alcohol and artificial sweeteners.

To be fair to myself, I will allow myself two drinks on each of those days, and allow myself artificial sweetener with the drinks. But remind me, then, that I can't start crying like a injured baby when/if the scale doesn't move next week. REMIND ME.

I also need to get to the gym, or get moving outside. I'll be honest, I haven't gone to the gym in two months. As much as it always seems to stall me out, I really don't want to stay where I am. So I've been contemplating getting back there, if only for two days a week. I'm not a big Gym Freak, and I don't think it is a necessity to lose weight, but I think there is a mentality that goes along with getting your but in the gym. It's mental.

Would two days on the treadmill kill me?

I really wanted to leave June lower than 250, and I'm not certain I can do that. But I need to, for my own brain. Please help me.

My goal for this week (and I WILL be back here to hold myself accountable):

• 2 times at the gym 
• stay within calories 6 out of 7 days no, 7 out of 7 - quit compromising, BG
• at least 5000 steps on my step tracker each day
• exercise at least three times this week
• stay off the artificial sweeteners (Atkins bars, candies, etc. - need to retrain my taste buds)

As much as it feels like I'm torturing myself, I have to remember how awesomelyFREAKINGgood it has been feeling to fit well into clothes, feel them getting looser, see my face melting. 

That

is 

better

than

sitting

around

or

aspartame

or

malitol

or

getting tipsy

or

stuffing my face

has

ever

ever

ever

felt

100 POUNDS IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER