I'm done. I completed it. 11 days, tracking and staying within my calories. I'm glad it was 11 and not 14, because I'd honestly have to wave the white flag of surrender.
Doing this helped me realize where some of my pitfalls are.
Some of it is just simply time. I know I posted the other day about managing and prioritizing my health, and forcing myself to take the time. I never said it was easy!
It took time for me to plan my meals out, run them through the recipe calculator, make sure I had foods stocked. I almost wish I could quit my job and simply focus on me, me and ME! Work out, knit, cook, plan, clean, tidy up my life. Oh what an indulgence that would be.
Tonight I ended up eating a Lean Cuisine for dinner, even though I had one for lunch. I just couldn't take trying to put together another meal. Too fatigued. My husband is not feeling well, so it might be that I'm fighting something off. I also think that by about yesterday, my body started to go into a bit of a frantic calorie search. Kind of like when you do the low-carb thing, and your body can deal with it, detoxing and lowering your carbs - then all of a sudden it goes into shock mode and is like, OK for real now WHERE ARE MY CARBS?! My body was asking where all the calories were.
I could feel it.
It got my attention last night. It didn't get the best of me, but it made me sit up and notice. It scared me a bit, too. I was watching the 20/20 special on about people who had lost a significant amount of weight, and one thing they touched on was the body's --the fat cell's-- lifelong desire to retain it's former shape. That losing isn't the entire battle. Maintenance is even harder because, at some point, your body starts wondering when the experiment is over, and when things will return to normal again.
Scary. Makes sense, though, as I can't imagine how I could survive on 1200 calories a day. Right now I'm at 1700 and there are days that I feel they are more than plenty - but more often there are days where I feel like I am going through torture.
Being active helps, because you can eat more, as long as you're burning it off. I'm not saying I'm stopping. I'm just saying it is definitely a life-long issue.
(Each
represents 1 pound gone)
338|
| 286
53 gone, 87 more to go to 198
Day 10 Of 11 Day Challenge... Still On Task
Two more days of this 11 Day Challenge. I (almost) made it. One more day. After today. Ha. I have a day off today, so I have a little more time to reflect on this challenge and might not tomorrow.
Here's what I said:
I came in January 2013 at 272 and I will be frustrated with myself if I leave at that weight, or can't get below 270. I probably shouldn't hold myself to such a hard degree, but I need to see some progress in myself or I am concerned frustration will set in.
I've done pretty good. I've stayed tight to my calorie limits, I've lost weight, and completely cleared 270. I feel good about things. I'd call that a success. I'm leaving January and I'm leaving the 270s. Hoo-rah, hoo-rah. It really does feel good to be looking at a goal beyond breaking 270 now.
It hasn't been easy this week, especially yesterday. After I weighed in Monday, I realized I was getting my monthly frienemy (aka "period"). It was early. I wasn't expecting it.
Tuesday I was ready to pour chocolate on my car tires and eat them. I get that desperate. I plugged in my calories for the day heading into dinner and realized my dinner was going to cost me. I needed to recaculate things to allow for more food and less calories. So, instead of the mexican gumbo bowls (pork, rice, chips, cheese - yummy), I had to settle for something vegetable-laden and bulky. Something to fill me up more for less.
I made a broccoli salad. It is 150 calories per serving and I ate two servings, topped with 2 servings of fake crab meat (140 calories). So my dinner capped out at 440 calories (verses about 600 with what I originally planned). It was filling and it satisfied me. It wasn't warm comfort food, but it was crunchy and savory and sweet and it worked.
It was only after I ate it that I realized I had calculated my snack wrong and had an extra 100 calories to spare. But you know what? I wasn't troubled or upset. I was proud of myself for not choosing to make an excuse (my monthly frienemy - which is a good one) to blow things. I was talking myself into it, and was close to blowing it on food, wine, and something sweet.
I didn't. I don't know why or how, but praise God, I did it. And I found a new mixture (crab and broccoli salad) that works for me.
---
Another thing I learned over doing this challenge is that taking care of myself requires me to be somewhat selfish. It requires me to put a bit of a spotlight on mySELF. Sometimes that is uncomfortable.
But I want to note this for myself: I can't spend all my time on everyone else. Everyone has their thing, and if you want it, you have to prioritize it. Once I get done with MYSELF, then I can focus on other things. I volunteer my time a lot, and when I wasn't working it made sense. I wasn't working and I was horribly fat. Now, I'm working and I'm trying to manage a home, and I'm trying to get to a healthier place for myself. It is OK for me to do that.
Another note: There is always time. Priorities. Everything anyone says about better health and weight loss/maintenance is true. You have to commit to it. You have to live it. You have to make it a priority. I've managed to find time to plan meals, count calories, exercise (3x per week) - only because I made it a priority. I've still paid bills, talked to people, attended my kid's events - but I've spent less time wasting on the internet, on sleeping, on eating. I can't say that every day allows for the time, but disciplining myself to get off the computer, or get off my duff, or get up a bit earlier... that's what gets me there.
I don't know what I will do after tomorrow. On comes a new month. I might allow myself a "day off" this weekend for the Super Bowl. I don't know. Today I feel good. I got up and worked out, ate a yummy breakfast... have a list of things to do, and will happily check some off.
I will go into February at 268. I am one pound away from being half-way to my goal. I am one pound away from losing 70 pounds. Wowzy. I'd like to leave February below 264, because I aim to leave March below 260. That gives me 8 weeks to lose 8 pounds. Maybe that is my next challenge!
Weigh In - 268
Weigh in today: 268
Down 1 pound.
You really don't want to know how many times I re-weighed myself today. Mainly because I wanted to challenge the scale. One pound? I stay on track all week and lose one stinking pound?
How is it I was eating like crap (OK not crap, but I was eating more) before and lost more?
UGH. Well, OK that's actually not true. So far I've lost 6 pounds this month. That's not too shabby. December I lost 2, and it was a month of NOT staying on track so well.
I don't know which is better, really, but I do think it is good to have a nice, disciplined streak now and again. I'm not feeling like giving up at all, or cheating.
Besides the scale, yesterday I was at one of my kids' sporting events, and I was moving around the gym, taking pictures and cheering them on - when I realized - I felt smaller.
I felt it.
In the way I sat Indian-style. I was considerably more comfortable yesterday than I was a month ago. My legs tucked nicely. I rolled that over my brain for a bit, contemplating it.
After a while I stretched my legs out in front of my and braced myself on my arms behind me.
Another lightbulb went off. I was comfortable. It wasn't strained at all, but a very comfortable position to relax into.
This was quite interesting.
Ch-ch-changes.
Reminding myself that the scale isn't the only indicator of a changed body. Even though I feel like I should have lost a gazillion pounds for being good and staying on track, I look at yesterday's NSV, and am thankful that there are other ways of achieving noticeable changes in my body.
At 268, I'm only a couple pounds away from my lowest low, and four pounds away from my next goal.
I am confident I will break that weight barrier. It looks like it might take about a month.
I feel close to breaking another clothing barrier. My clothes all feel pretty good on me, and are starting to feel loose again - Like before they were tight, not they're comfortable, and they are getting comfortable loose, some of my pants. That is excitiing!
Although, I have to be honest. I took some updated progress pictures today, and besides being horrible - they really didn't look all that different. If I were to cite a difference I would say the woman in the 2nd set (the ones from today) is much, much older, and has lost some of her tan.
Down 1 pound.
You really don't want to know how many times I re-weighed myself today. Mainly because I wanted to challenge the scale. One pound? I stay on track all week and lose one stinking pound?
How is it I was eating like crap (OK not crap, but I was eating more) before and lost more?
UGH. Well, OK that's actually not true. So far I've lost 6 pounds this month. That's not too shabby. December I lost 2, and it was a month of NOT staying on track so well.
I don't know which is better, really, but I do think it is good to have a nice, disciplined streak now and again. I'm not feeling like giving up at all, or cheating.
Besides the scale, yesterday I was at one of my kids' sporting events, and I was moving around the gym, taking pictures and cheering them on - when I realized - I felt smaller.
I felt it.
In the way I sat Indian-style. I was considerably more comfortable yesterday than I was a month ago. My legs tucked nicely. I rolled that over my brain for a bit, contemplating it.
After a while I stretched my legs out in front of my and braced myself on my arms behind me.
Another lightbulb went off. I was comfortable. It wasn't strained at all, but a very comfortable position to relax into.
This was quite interesting.
Ch-ch-changes.
Reminding myself that the scale isn't the only indicator of a changed body. Even though I feel like I should have lost a gazillion pounds for being good and staying on track, I look at yesterday's NSV, and am thankful that there are other ways of achieving noticeable changes in my body.
I am confident I will break that weight barrier. It looks like it might take about a month.
I feel close to breaking another clothing barrier. My clothes all feel pretty good on me, and are starting to feel loose again - Like before they were tight, not they're comfortable, and they are getting comfortable loose, some of my pants. That is excitiing!
Although, I have to be honest. I took some updated progress pictures today, and besides being horrible - they really didn't look all that different. If I were to cite a difference I would say the woman in the 2nd set (the ones from today) is much, much older, and has lost some of her tan.
Left is at 285. My fat rounds me out a bit more. I feel saggier without it. Right is at 268. Same pants. I am a bit encouraged that my stomach doesn't seem to hang anymore than it did before. The second one makes me look taller, too. But I haven't grown, hee.
Baked Grapefruit And A 5k
OK, OK it is a virtual 5k. But it is a start. It is something. Katie from Runs for Cookies is hosting a virtual 5k in honor of her birthday. 5k is 3.1 miles, I guess, and I went ahead and signed up. I will be walking my 5k, and I will be doing it on three separate occasions.
Like I said, it is a start. A nudge. A hope that the possibility is out there somewhere for me to, at some point, actually run a 5k. There are many steps I need to take along the way. This is my first one.
Happy Birthday, Katie!
---
I just finished mile 2 of my 3.1 mile walk. I had to use my "Walk Away the Pounds" video, though, because it is crazy cold out and I just don't feel like enduring that right now. Anyway, WAP is a no-excuses deal. Weather is no excuse.
Before starting my walk, I popped some grapefruit in the oven to try - for the first time - baked grapefruit. I really like grapefruit, regardless, but something about it intrigued me.
Basically you half a fruit, sprinkle some honey or sugar on it (1 tsp.) and pup it, flesh side up in the oven on a baking sheet for 15-20 minutes at 325. I've seen some people broil it, too, or add other things (like jelly). Spark has the recipe right here: Baked Grapefruit. Some people will remove the white stuff that separates the pieces, or dig them each out. Not me. I like to eat that anyway, so it was no bother.
Like I said, it is a start. A nudge. A hope that the possibility is out there somewhere for me to, at some point, actually run a 5k. There are many steps I need to take along the way. This is my first one.
Happy Birthday, Katie!
---
I just finished mile 2 of my 3.1 mile walk. I had to use my "Walk Away the Pounds" video, though, because it is crazy cold out and I just don't feel like enduring that right now. Anyway, WAP is a no-excuses deal. Weather is no excuse.
Before starting my walk, I popped some grapefruit in the oven to try - for the first time - baked grapefruit. I really like grapefruit, regardless, but something about it intrigued me.
Basically you half a fruit, sprinkle some honey or sugar on it (1 tsp.) and pup it, flesh side up in the oven on a baking sheet for 15-20 minutes at 325. I've seen some people broil it, too, or add other things (like jelly). Spark has the recipe right here: Baked Grapefruit. Some people will remove the white stuff that separates the pieces, or dig them each out. Not me. I like to eat that anyway, so it was no bother.
Excuse the photo. One thing about this blog for me, is that it is quick. I don't spell check or proof read much, and my photos aren't always top notch. But I need to journal; it helps keep me on track and keep me sane sometimes. This picture was taken from my phone.
The verdict? Not bad. Kind of nice to have something warm in my tummy. I like my grapefruit room-temperature to begin with, so this isn't much different. Except that it is warm and actually easier to remove the section and white part - pith, I think it's called. I eat that stuff. I don't know if I'd bake my fruit every time, but it's not bad for something different. I used honey and sprinkled some cinnamon on it, too.
---
As I grabbed my grapefruit, happy and satisfied with my workout, I wondered if I was bipolar.
Not really bipolar, bipolar, but wondered why healthy habits were so hot and cold for me.
I mean, today I dropped the kids off at their activities and had two hours to burn. I'm using that two hours to:
exercise
write a quick entry
get dinner in the oven
Huh? Exercise? How does that work that I have time to do that today, but can't seem to find time 98% of the rest of the year? It baffles me how this works, and I know it is up and down because I've been both before.
Right now, I can't see being a slothy over-eater in my future. But history would pattern me being in that rut again. Boy, if I could bottle (whatever it is) and sell it --or hoard it for those times when I don't seem to be producing it-- I would.
Maybe it is forced habit and once you get on, momentum keeps you going, and once you fall off, you need to grab that momentum again. Donno. Remind me of it, though, when I lose it and spiral again, would you?
Why Am I Losing Weight
After I weighed in (269), I walked into the kitchen and the thought that popped into my head was:
Why exactly AM I losing weight?
Kind of weird, huh?
I mean, what a dumb question from someone who weighs more than a linebacker. One would think the better question is why wouldn't I want to lose weight?
I do want to lose weight. Primarily I do want to fit into clothes better, and then my second thought that pops into my head is to be be able to be more active. I'd like to run. I'd like to be able to play soccer or baseball, or another fun sport - things I could not do in the past.
#1 Fit better into clothes.
#2 Play fun sports.
Two decent reasons. I guess I could live without both of those, but not to the fullness that I feel I desire.
There's other reasons, but those two popped immediately into my head.
I can do #1 already now. Twenty-five pounds ago, I couldn't. My clothes felt tight and restrictive. I couldn't buy a 2x and fit right into it. I had to go to 3x. I'd like to ditch the X all together. At that point, I think I'd be satisfied.
#2 I can not do. I bowl, play volleyball. Maybe run in a race with my kids. But I can't join a team and have fun, or run a race. I realize I will be 40 this year, and it's not the best time to start playing a sport. Clearly. But it's easier than trying at 50... or 60. If I think on it too long I get very sad about it, about all the time in my life I could have been running, playing, enjoying that freedom - and I haven't been able to.
Right now I could probably work towards running a race, but my belly flaps too much. I'll just be honest. My fitness levels would allow me to start breaking into some of these things, but my belly won't. And that's not going to change. I really need to figure something out with that, because I don't want to start living if/when I can ever get rid of my flapping belly.
Confession: I think my relationships suffer because of the oppression I feel within myself. I could be wrong, and maybe I'm just an unhappy ogre, regardless of being a fatty. But, I wonder - and hope - that as my body changes, my emotions might, too. I don't know, though.
Why exactly AM I losing weight?
Kind of weird, huh?
I mean, what a dumb question from someone who weighs more than a linebacker. One would think the better question is why wouldn't I want to lose weight?
I do want to lose weight. Primarily I do want to fit into clothes better, and then my second thought that pops into my head is to be be able to be more active. I'd like to run. I'd like to be able to play soccer or baseball, or another fun sport - things I could not do in the past.
#1 Fit better into clothes.
#2 Play fun sports.
Two decent reasons. I guess I could live without both of those, but not to the fullness that I feel I desire.
There's other reasons, but those two popped immediately into my head.
I can do #1 already now. Twenty-five pounds ago, I couldn't. My clothes felt tight and restrictive. I couldn't buy a 2x and fit right into it. I had to go to 3x. I'd like to ditch the X all together. At that point, I think I'd be satisfied.
#2 I can not do. I bowl, play volleyball. Maybe run in a race with my kids. But I can't join a team and have fun, or run a race. I realize I will be 40 this year, and it's not the best time to start playing a sport. Clearly. But it's easier than trying at 50... or 60. If I think on it too long I get very sad about it, about all the time in my life I could have been running, playing, enjoying that freedom - and I haven't been able to.
Right now I could probably work towards running a race, but my belly flaps too much. I'll just be honest. My fitness levels would allow me to start breaking into some of these things, but my belly won't. And that's not going to change. I really need to figure something out with that, because I don't want to start living if/when I can ever get rid of my flapping belly.
Confession: I think my relationships suffer because of the oppression I feel within myself. I could be wrong, and maybe I'm just an unhappy ogre, regardless of being a fatty. But, I wonder - and hope - that as my body changes, my emotions might, too. I don't know, though.
Weigh In & Why Some People Lose Weight Easy
I weighed in today.
I didn't wanna do it. I didn't want to be discouraged. But, it is one of the main ways I track my progress and give myself a reality check. Not fool proof, I know.
Today was a good weigh in.
269
I did it! I dropped below 270. My post and typing would make you think I was excited and happy about it (and I'm happy), but I'm also a bit dread-filled. After I stepped on the scale and weighed myself, I redid it. I have a hard time believing the scale. My second weigh in concurred with my first, and I let it alone.
I will try to be encouraged by this (I imagine the opposite had it said 272 instead), and not immediately dive into the fear of success that I grapple with.
---
Last night as I finished off my soup, wine, and cornbread, I had one of those ding-dong lightbulb moments that happen on occasion. I was diligently tracking my calories. I stayed under. I did well. I felt good about it. I surfed some weight loss/healthy-me blogs and (for some reason) started to get a bit angry. Jealousy, really, I guess.
I was jealous on two fronts: one of the weight loss (and the ease that some of them had with it), two of the ability to just off and get surgery on saggy skin.
The first issue: EASY WEIGHT LOSS
I shouldn't say "easy" because it really isn't. However, there is a difference between changing a pattern of addiction, and simply changing a pattern. Some of the blogs I went to were from people that clearly didn't make good nutritional choices. They simply didn't eat well. Once given the tools (calorie counter, Weight Watcher) or game plan - they were set. The weight melted off. Their only issue was disgust at their prior selves.
My issues, and many of the others that seem to fumble success, losing it through their fingers, going on hiatus, or hesitantly coming back to say they had regained, are deeper. I can follow the program and count my calories, but there is a bigger battle being waged inside of me.
It's the difference of breaking up with someone you hardly know, and someone who you've built your life around. Easy weight loss is losing weight when you don't have "issues" with food that go beyond eating the wrong ones.
The second issue: SAGGY SKIN SURGERY
(No, I haven't called my insurance company yet. I will.)
This is the second part that truly is an obstacle for me. Whenever I go to a blog where someone has lost major weight (over 100 pounds), I look to see if they had THE SURGERY. Many of them have. I do think that the surgery helps a person from regaining. People that have excess skin to tote around tend to be frustrated with it. Though they enjoy their new body, the skin is almost like a cancer reminding them of their prior shame. I see myself in that second category. I see me being happier filling out the skin than having it hang there. I fear that.
Neither one of these are excuses, though. That's the bottom line. Some things are easier or more attainable, life isn't fair. The beauty of it is I can do the work, no matter how hard it is, and overcome obstacles (like saggy skin) if I want to. For me, though, it is a heck of a fight. A life-long battle of the mind.
---
Anyway, Day 3 of my 11 Day Challenge.
Next goal: 264 (decisively below my lowest weight [266] in the last decade)
11 Day Challenge - Day 2 (Rationalizing Normality)
Hi. It's only Day 2. I'm feeling like cracking.
OK, not entirely. I'm actually doing alright. Though it is amazing how much I focus on food. How much life focuses on food. I guess that is not horrible. It is more my overuse/abuse, lack of willpower that is the problem.
People with a healthy relation with food can enjoy the heck out of it, too.
Rationalizing?
Ugh. I don't know, but last night I was sitting in bed, doing my regular routine of watching television, messaging my son, talking to my daughter, making lists... and I couldn't get my mind of food. It didn't help that I was watching Food TV, but really. I mean, I was like, tasting it. Smelling it. I could literally smell a pizza. I wanted it SO BADLY.
I watched them make burritos, chicken, sauces. I didn't want to turn it off, but I almost wanted to lick the screen. The back of my throat was confused, wondering what it was smelling, tasting - that wasn't there.
Normal?
I started to hallucinate curry. Indian food. Buffet. The rice, the chicken, the dessert.
11 Days.
Delaying my gratification.
Maybe it will get easier. Maybe it will get harder.
Today I had my breakfast and instead of my egg and toast, I mixed it up a bit with an English muffin and peanut butter. Tasty.
Lunch again was the Chicken Makhani (Lean Cuisine) sprinkled with red pepper.
It was yummy. I hate purchasing the Lean Cuisines, but I really am in survival mode sometimes, and though I know they are more expensive, my downfalls are having to think to much, and convenience. Grabbing a LC on the way out the door works for me when I'm feeling overwhelmed (which is most of the time).
I came home and had my greek yogurt with some granola, made dinner, and felt hungry.
I did my Walk Away the Pounds 1-mile workout. Not a big deal, nothing strenuous, but something that was better than nothing. I could totally do that 3x per week and not blink an eye. I used 3-pound weights to work my arms a bit more.
I wanted to tack on some extra calories to my 1700-something allotment, since I did the workout. But I'm not supposed to.
I had a glass of wine with some fruit in it, overly-excited about dinner.
I'm so hungry.
I have 200 calories left and I'm going to spend some of them on some more wine.
One thing I've noticed that I do when trying to eat more sensibly is that I get to bed earlier. I think that, when I'm on a bender, I stay up late and eat or sip wine, consuming an overload of calories before bed.
Bad habits are hard to break.
I don't know if I will make it another half hour to wait before everyone gets home. I want to eat, brush my teeth, and go lounge in my bed. I'm less likely to over eat that way. My husband would like to go out for a while tonight, but I just simply can not.
I hope my 11 Day Challenge pays off. I can truly feel my sacrifices right now, and it isn't feeling so great at the moment.
OK, not entirely. I'm actually doing alright. Though it is amazing how much I focus on food. How much life focuses on food. I guess that is not horrible. It is more my overuse/abuse, lack of willpower that is the problem.
People with a healthy relation with food can enjoy the heck out of it, too.
Rationalizing?
Ugh. I don't know, but last night I was sitting in bed, doing my regular routine of watching television, messaging my son, talking to my daughter, making lists... and I couldn't get my mind of food. It didn't help that I was watching Food TV, but really. I mean, I was like, tasting it. Smelling it. I could literally smell a pizza. I wanted it SO BADLY.
I watched them make burritos, chicken, sauces. I didn't want to turn it off, but I almost wanted to lick the screen. The back of my throat was confused, wondering what it was smelling, tasting - that wasn't there.
Normal?
I started to hallucinate curry. Indian food. Buffet. The rice, the chicken, the dessert.
11 Days.
Delaying my gratification.
Maybe it will get easier. Maybe it will get harder.
Today I had my breakfast and instead of my egg and toast, I mixed it up a bit with an English muffin and peanut butter. Tasty.
Lunch again was the Chicken Makhani (Lean Cuisine) sprinkled with red pepper.
It was yummy. I hate purchasing the Lean Cuisines, but I really am in survival mode sometimes, and though I know they are more expensive, my downfalls are having to think to much, and convenience. Grabbing a LC on the way out the door works for me when I'm feeling overwhelmed (which is most of the time).
I came home and had my greek yogurt with some granola, made dinner, and felt hungry.
I did my Walk Away the Pounds 1-mile workout. Not a big deal, nothing strenuous, but something that was better than nothing. I could totally do that 3x per week and not blink an eye. I used 3-pound weights to work my arms a bit more.
I wanted to tack on some extra calories to my 1700-something allotment, since I did the workout. But I'm not supposed to.
I had a glass of wine with some fruit in it, overly-excited about dinner.
I'm so hungry.
I have 200 calories left and I'm going to spend some of them on some more wine.
One thing I've noticed that I do when trying to eat more sensibly is that I get to bed earlier. I think that, when I'm on a bender, I stay up late and eat or sip wine, consuming an overload of calories before bed.
Bad habits are hard to break.
I don't know if I will make it another half hour to wait before everyone gets home. I want to eat, brush my teeth, and go lounge in my bed. I'm less likely to over eat that way. My husband would like to go out for a while tonight, but I just simply can not.
I hope my 11 Day Challenge pays off. I can truly feel my sacrifices right now, and it isn't feeling so great at the moment.
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