I Really DO Need A New Scale

I know I've said before that I weight myself on Mondays and Wednesdays. I'd really like to just do official Wednesday Weigh-ins, but haven't brought myself to that yet. I like Wednesday because it is away from the weekend. But Monday is so engrained in me that I can't sway from it yet.

So Monday I weigh in and I'm 267, right?

Then today I weigh in and I'm 264.

This is all on that wretched, wretched Wii that's missing a castor.

Now, I've been using it castor-less for a good month, so who knows.

I need to buy a scale. I'm going to the store in a bit. I'll check for one, though I really hate scales, which is why I think it has taken me so long to just bite the bullet and do it.

I'm going to try not to worry too much about what that scale says, but it scares me a bit.

If it is off, it is off. I just hope it's not too much off.

Either way, I can look at my last year's doctor visit and see that I was 291 pounds there. I'll take where I am today and rejoice in it and try not to get too terribly caught up in the details.

If my weight barrier is broken, that's great. I would attribut it to NOT over-working myself, trying to get some sleep, and upping my fruit and veggie intake, as well as my movement during the day. I want to make sure I note that, if the case turns out to be that I actually am losing some weight, or have broken past this horrific wall I've been facing.

I haven't gone to the gym in a week. I've avoided it. But I haven't avoided exercise. I did my Walk Away the Pounds (1-mile) with my 3# weights. Not a big deal, but not nothing. I went for a walk. Twice. I shoveled snow. I did an online low-intensity workout. I'm moving. I'm working muscles. I'm just not doing it at the gym. I figure if I get it done, I get it done.

I'm also intentionally moving around during the day, reminding myself to get up during work. I'm trying. I am. And I went out and bought a bunch of fruit to eat. I notice my fruit/veggie quota isn't being met as it should be.

Additionally, I picked up a glucose monitor to check my blood sugars. It's more from my insisting than from my doctor's, though it amazes me that when I pushed for it, it seemed like a great idea. What is the medical world coming to? Really? Not everyone advocates for themselves. I mean, who demands glucose meters?

I got one and so far nothing too shocking. Last night after my wine it was 87 (or 84, I don't remember). My concern is hypoglycemia and the fact that I get shaky, sweaty, etc. at times. Now that I'm more comfortable with the meter, I'm going to journal it a bit. It will take more of my time, but so would diabetes or other health concerns. I just have to do it. This way I'll have something to present to my doctor, or whomever, about what's going on with me health-wise. Just to say "I'm shaky, clammy, and don't feel good," without having numbers to support it isn't working. I'm curious myself, I must admit.

They told me I'm on the higher end of normal and not pre-diabetic. But then in my visit summary notes it says, "Pre-Diabetic." It makes no sense whatsoever.

Weigh in: 267

I don't even want to believe my scale, but I'll let it be. If it's wrong, I'll find out.

No, I didn't buy a new one yet, either.

And I didn't have a stellar week. At all.

I think I worked out once and it was pretty gentle. Yesterday I did a lot of walking, but it wasn't working out.

I've been SO tired. So incredibly tired. And indifferent. I've not let everything go to the wind, but I did go out to the Chinese Buffet yesterday, and I did go out for drinks and appetizers another day.

But when I think on it, the day I went for drinks and an appy, I ate lighter/normal in the day, ate before I left, had an appy and 2 drinks. I didn't gorge.

Yesterday I ate reasonably, walked a LOT, and ate decently at the buffet - not great choices, just less volume.

But I need to reel it in again. Maybe a short burst of willpower to round this month out.

My goal was to get out of March under 260. I don't know that that is possible anymore. I've only lost one pound this month, and gained one, too.

I'm not sure why my body tends to stall out right here, right at this point all the time. I suppose I shouldn't have canceled my appointment with a nutritionist on Thursday? Maybe I could have asked. I just didn't have a good feeling about it, and I can't waste my sick-time and worries on it.

Possibly it is mental? But I've been at this weight THREE TIMES and never dipped below it. I'll have to do some Googling on it. My body maybe is feeling a starvation-mode, and is fighting against me right now. I really do not know. I just know that I've been successfully able to get here three times and have never successfully been able to jump the hurdle to the other side.

Oh how I would like to see the other side.

I'll have to examine my thoughts and actions to get to the bottom of it. I know I've been having CRAVINGS galore lately, and have very little energy. It is frustrating.

Let's hope I can break this barrier.

I Need A New Scale

I knew it was coming at some point. I just don't want to have to make the decision.

I need a new scale.

I use my Wii scale. That's all I use. I used to use a shipping scale that I purchased for my business, but that started to get quirky and I abandoned it years ago. It was me and The Wii.

Recently I've had problems with that scale. It has little feet on the bottom that hold it steady, and it keeps losing one. I've looked for two weeks and can't find it. I don't like to have to rely on that thing. I like that it has graphs and tracks your weight, but I don't like that I can't just jump on the scale, take my weight and be on with it. It's a huge production to hook it up in the middle of my living room.

This week I took my weight and it was 268 (up a pound). I very well could be up a pound, but with one of the feet gone on my scale, and it standing lopsided, it's annoying to me. If it said I was down a pound, I'd feel the same way.

That may be a goal for me today. But I just don't know what to get, and I don't want to make some huge ordeal over it.

I don't like making decisions.

Exercise Making Me Tired?

Is it possible that exercise makes you tired?
And hungry?

I found an article the other day (I'll have to dig up the link again) that spoke to exercising and hunger, and why some people don't lose because they are ravished, eat more, and stay the same weight.

I know people say that they have more energy when they workout. Maybe they mean stamina? Or do they truly mean energy? I would say I might have more stamina... but not energy. Maybe it's something that will come with time. I find I'm tired, my body is sore, and I'm way more hungry.

But my body craves the movement. I can tell.

Yesterday I was busy cooking dinner, and more than anything would have liked to get down to watching something on Netflix, but I had a strong urge to get going for a nighttime walk with my dog. So I set off, taking the hill straight off, and logged about 43 minutes of walking. I didn't get the distance I get on the treadmill, but then I was wearing boots and avoiding ice at times. But I was at a decent clip and was sweating when I got home.

The air felt... so good. The night breeze, just getting out felt good.

But it was a "rest" day.

Now today I'm supposed to hit the gym after work and I'm still beat.

I'm not a die-hard gym person, and I do enjoy walks, hikes, and biking outdoors.

So I'm contemplating today switching to the bike instead of the treadmill. Just to switch it up a bit, to give different muscles some work, and to give my walking muscles a break. We shall see.

I will still hit the circuit after (works arms and a bit of legs). I don't like to have to lug a separate bag to work and everything, but I could find a million excuses not to go.

I don't have an gym bag - something I'd like. I'm saving that for a month's worth of going consistently  and the hope of getting under 260 at some point in the next decade. I'm not sure what will come first.

I Do Not Want To Fail

It's weird. I know I have been frustrated with my weight loss, and how slow it has been. Don't get me wrong - I've been pleased. I'm going down, I'm feeling and seeing the difference. But, like most people, I'm a little impatient. I'd like that 10 pounds per month loss that I feel like I should have, given the work and sacrifices I'm putting in.

When I count calories all week and bust butt on the treadmill, only to get on the scale and have it move a measly pound, it is disappointing. On the same token, I'm happy to have lost a pound and not stalled out. So I'm stuck between being thrilled and irritated. Ha!

Today, though, as I walked into work, aware of being lighter than I've been in a while (once again), I was pleased. I felt good. Satisfied with where I am. Happy to not be where I was. The 260's feel like the new normal to me. My new "start point" since I've already been here, lost it, only to lose it again. I rolled my stats over in my head.

February 2012: 292 pounds
February 2013: 267 pounds
Difference: 25 pounds

As much as I'd love to lose a heckton of weight before I turn 40 this year in the fall, I'd also like to keep this off FOR GOOD.

I reminded myself that if I kept on this trend, even losing slowly, I'd be down 25 pounds by next year, which would put me at 242 pounds. The next year, 217, the next - 195.

I must remember that is BETTER THAN WHERE I'VE BEEN. I have to keep that in my head.

I've given myself this speil before and have failed at it, landing right back where I was. Each time I was determined not to get back there. Each time. Does this one feel different?

Yes.

It does. I'm scared to say it because I'm afraid of being wrong. I'm afraid of failing. I don't want to say too much to the people in my life out of fear.

But the other day my son came over, put his arms around me and gave me a big hug. A comfortable hug. He tried to jerk me off the ground (he's not big enough for that). We didn't say much, but I had a thought that he had noticed my weight loss, and wanted to get his arms around me.

I do, too. I wanted the same thing.

My other son asked if I went to the gym and if that was going to be normal for me now.

I'm sad for the time that has gone by where I've been big, and unable to focus on myself. I'm really trying to delegate some of my responsibilities so that I'm not logged down so much, and I can focus some on myself. I'm trying to hand over some things to my husband. To let some things go.

My youngest will be in high school next year and I'm determined to be below this notch by then. I'm determined to start living better.

I do not want to fail.

Treadmill, Treadmill, Oh How I Hate Thee

Today we went for breakfast. We do that so rarely because it costs money and I'm trying to eat better. I used to be something we did almost every time we had a day together.  I haven't thought about it too much but this morning it sounded  like a nice idea - a breakfast date.

I had pancakes, scrambled eggs and turkey sausage. It was OK. Not great, not horrible. I drank coffee. I knew we would head to the gym after so  I didn't feel too guilty. I didn't over do it or anything, either.

Off to the gym. Dread. I wish I didn't, but I'd be a liar if I said I didn't.

My "routine" for the last few times has been 40 minutes on the treadmill at 3.0 mph with inclines at intervals. I didn't realize I'd been stepping it up until I looked at my calories burned this time:

After that, I moved to the circuit training center and went through those, concentrating on my upper body (about 20 minutes). Then stretch. All in all it takes about an hour or so for total gym time. So far I haven't spent any time on anything else. I used to alternate between the bike and the treadmill, but I also don't want to burn myself out too quickly.

Right now my schedule is 3 times per week (M, W, F). It scares me because I worry that I will get bored, or I will bun out, and then what? Burning off 500 calories at the gym helps me. I allow myself a little more to eat, and I'm getting my system going for a while. Win win.

I notice with regular exercise my skin looks better. 

-----

Hey, I had some people ask me about losing weight. My father in law and my grandmother. Nice. I'm still waiting for someone to ask me who isn't family, though. 

Even though my pants don't feel as loose as I'd like them too, everything else does. My shirts, jackets. It's my jeans - one particular pair, really, that still feels tight. And then there's two pairs that I swear I worse last time I was this weight, and they are uncomfortable when I put them on. That leads me to believe my fat has further migrated to my midsection (common for women as they age). I don't like the thought of that because it makes me feel old and disgusting. 

I'm sure I have polycystic ovaries, even though my doctor (who I used to think was pretty great) never responded to my questions about it. I know there's not much you can do about it, but to disregard it is pretty stupid. She recommended a nutritionist, which I never went to. If I can't drop another 20 pounds before the year end, maybe I'll consider it. 

Weigh In: 267 Halfway To Goal!

Well, the scale budged. Unexpectedly. Sort of not really.

I did weigh in at 267 last week, but felt like it wasn't decisive. So I didn't report it. I figure if it's there, it will happen for sure in time. Well it did today, hovering almost to 266. But that will come in time - if it's there.

Last week was pretty good, except for the horrifying events at the gym (just being at the gym is horrifying). I really don't like to work out. I like to play - volleyball, soccer, hiking - but I don't like to get on the treadmill or any other machine like that. I really don't. I mean I feel better after doing it, proud of myself, accomplished, yadda yadda. But I hate every second of it.

I have to force myself not to look at the time, calories, distance, willing them to move more quickly. It's about the only time in life where I want time to speed up, rather than slow down.

Mercy.

I'm building up to 3.1 so I can get in my first 5k. Gosh, that sounds like something that would not come out of my mouth. But, I need goals, and unless I have one I feel like a hamster on a wheel, and it drives me crazy. If I'm walking outside, I need to know my start and end route, or I'm feeling lost as well. So it just makes sense.

So far I've just shifted my 20 minute walks to 40 minutes at 3.0 mph. I also throw in a nice incline with that to get my heart rate up and burn more calories.  It is weird, but I find it easier to work hard than go fast long. I'm more of a sprinter than a long-distance runner. A pack mule that can carry heavy loads slowly, than a race horse.

This is exciting to me.

70 gone, 70 more to go to 198

I'm half way to goal! It is weird to see. In my head, my weight loss starts at about 298, because I've been there for so long. I haven't been 338 for years. But the good thing is I haven't seen that weight, and my body isn't fighting to get back there right now.

298, though, has been my normal, and was a hard one to break. I've done it a couple times now, and I'm really hoping it will be my last. I think that I'm stalling out a bit here in the 260s because I hung out there for quite some time years ago, too. My body is really fighting against me getting below it. It doesn't know what is going on.

I notice my pants aren't as loose at 267 as they were a few years ago when I hit this weight. Kind of a bummer. A reality check in how I am aging, and how much harder it is now. I'm guessing in 10 years when I'm closing in on 50 it isn't going to get any easier, so I need to do what I can now.

It almost made me sick typing that out. Closing in on 50. Dear goodness.

Anyway, I can't think on that.

So this week, my plan is to hit the treadmill/workout 3 times again and drop at least one pound to get to 266 by next week. I was hoping to get out of March under 260, but I just don't know if it is possible. I'm still working on it, but exercise makes me hungry, so I do eat more. And I'm toning, which weighs more.

We shall see. I'm happy to see one more pound melt off. 

Treadmill Workout - 45 Minutes

I don't know why I did it. Honestly, I don't.
I was still dying from the previous day, and bitter over my weight stall.

But I went. I packed up my shoes and my ipod, and told myself to just do the treadmill.

I worry I'm overdoing it. Then I think that is just an excuse.

Working out more days than not, eating right more days than not - is a key to life-long health. Today, tomorrow, next year, five years from now... that won't change. Why feed my head with thoughts that today is different?

I went to the gym, unloaded my anger, bitterness and hatred for working out, put on my shoes, filled my water bottle, stepped on a treadmill - didn't have the right feel for me. Stepped off to the next one. Good.

Set my pace and went at it.

I wanted to sweat, I wanted to feel like I had a workout. I wanted to run, but I'm pacing myself. Pace, pace.

Here's (about) what I did.

For me, it was a decent workout. I was sweaty, I got my heart rate up over 150, I wanted to quit. 

After I was done, I got off and went to get the spray to wipe off the machine, and still had that floaty feeling that treadmills give you, like I'm walking and now I'm moving - before I wasn't.

I went and did one stretch, and decided to finish at home. I just wanted to leave. There's nothing relaxing (to me) about stretching in a tiny area filled with other sweaty people. My germaphobic nature starts to go into overdrive. Maybe I'll get over it. I don't know.

So I came home, did some stretches, made some oatmeal, and came to post this before I forget what I even did on that treadmill. 

This is what it said at the end, although the calories might be off because I didn't punch in my weight until about 10 minutes in. And I was walking when I took the picture. 

This was during my cooldown. 2.26 miles, 340 calories. I don't know what that 4 is, but it was about 48 minutes in. This helps me remember a bit what went on. I need to somehow figure out how to keep better track, but that will come in time. I hope.

Weigh In: I Went To The Gym

Weigh in: 268

No. Change.

As frustrating as that is, I have to let it go. On Monday it said 274. But that was with one of the leg coasters from the Wii missing, and I just couldn't tell what was going on, so I postponed posting it until today.

I will never understand why eating really good and exercising results in a stalled scale for me. I don't get it. I'm afraid to eat normally and exercise, but maybe that's what I should have done for 50 - 60 pounds. Pick one or the other, so not to discourage myself.

'Cause I admit, I'm slightly discouraged.

I stayed within my calories and exercised enough to burn 900 calories... and nothing. Crazy stuff.

Stupid scale. Stupid body.

- - - - -

On another note, I went to the gym. I got on the treadmill. I walked 2 miles at a 20 minute mile pace (40 min. total). I kicked it up to 3.1 at an incline of 1.5 for about 10 of those minutes, then alternated a bit. I was hot and felt horrible. And then some dude decided to come run on the treadmill right next to me in a near empty gym. His friends were five 'mills down the row. I was distracted, mostly wondering what was in his head that he needed to do that.

Probably nothing.

Maybe a chubby chaser.

Maybe liked the 'mills by the mirror.

I was so happy to be in the cool down of my workout, rather than just starting. It took all my strength not to move away to a different one.

Maybe I'm not a gym person.

Because secretly, I feel like I gave in to The Man when I got that membership. Just a little bit.

I know. I'm weird!

- - - - -

This sinus issue is killing me right now. I think that's what is making me drag on every day. Yesterday I tilted my head back at work and just let the stuff drain down the back of my throat. It was disgusting and liberating at the same time. But I just feel rocked right now. Tired, tired, and more tired. Makes it hard to motivate myself.

But I'm thinking of getting in at the gym again today. I don't know if I'll do the treadmill, 'cause my feetsies are a little sore. I might do the bike, or explore the 30-minute stations. We'll see.

Down Day

I don't know if I'm sick, or fighting something, but I've been off for days. Feeling like I'm dragging, tired... just worn out. Still haven't presented with a full-blown cold, like my husband, which makes me think my body is fighting it off. I have had sinus headaches for a good 5-7 days now. Advil has been my friend.

I did not do a good job of tracking --or eating-- from Friday on. I wouldn't say I went buckwild, but I was clearly not into tracking my calories or thinking much about it.

Not good. But, I think it was just mental fatigue, and physical. Like I said - I've been so tired.

However.

One of the local gyms was advertising low rates for membership... and I joined. I haven't gone yet, but I joined under the good rates after missing out on the last time they offered it. I was thinking I might go today, but haven't been able to scrounge up the energy. I'm just worn out.

I kind of regret signing up, at the same time. I'd love a treadmill in my own home, in privacy, where I could work on getting into some running. I really, truly, honestly, don't know if I have the balls to try that right now in front of other people. Maybe that will change, or come with time. My thinkin' has been stinkin' lately.

I think there's an inner fear of what I'm doing and where I'm going with this weight loss (again). I know the average Joe might read this and think I am insane, but for me there's more to my weight issues that strait up ignorance of my food consumption. I'm more than aware of what I eat, and how I don't move my body, and why that reveals itself on the scale. Got it.

This mental stuff is a killer, though, and it creeps up when least expected. So I have to bat it down. I'm not thinking of doing another "free" day, and I'm not really craving food even, it's more of a want to just curl up under sheets and sleep for days. To not think, not worry. To be relieved of some of the stress I carry around all the time.

Right now I'm going to make a choice to enjoy the quiet of my house, the comfort of my sweats and doggy. The kids aren't due home for two and a half hours and there's no reason why I need to spend that in a funk.

I will weigh in on Wednesday.