I'm Not Going To Make It

I've got some good news, and some bad news. Which one do you want first?

Bad?

OK.

BAD NEWS:
I've had this goal of trying to get down 100 pounds before my birthday and there's literally no way.

I counted I have 7 weeks. That would be a bit over a pound a week.

I just don't think I can do it.

I mean, yeah. I don't think so. I was trying in my head to say - maybe if you pushed it super hard?

But... that's just not me. I don't push super hard like that because it generally leads to a rebound of crazy eating patterns. My body can only take so much deprivation.


GOOD NEWS:
I had a good day yesterday. I want to go back to the "no alcohol" thing for a few days - maybe even a week. That would take me over the weekend, which would be a struggle, but I'm contemplating. Alcohol stalls my weight loss, but it also feeds me carbs and sugar (in the form of red wine). I eat more when I have drinks for two reasons:

Cocktails taste good with food

I'm in the habit of "buffering" the alcohol and carbs with food.

I notice I'm less hungry and more satisfied when I'm not having cocktails.

So, for me, drinking daily isn't conducive to weight loss - even if it is a glass of wine at night.

Hmm. As I read this I'm not really sure if that's "good" news. I love my red wine. But - when I'm not drinking my red wine, I love fitting into my clothes and feeling better in my skin. I have to remember that and remind myself of it often.

This is NOW and right now, I'm trying to lose, not maintain. It's just not an option right now.

Oh, and I think I sleep better when I don't have a cocktail.
I'm also less likely to be dehydrated.

Need I more reasons?

That’s because alcohol cravings and carbohydrate cravings seem to have similar origins in the brain. (link)

I don't know what the rest of that site is like, but I've read about this on more than one site; the sentiment is the same.

My not drinking of alcohol at times is necessary so that I don't switch my carb addiction to something new. I know I can go without sweets for lengths of time, but then I still have wine as a crutch. Can I go without both? Yes. Is it fun? Not really (I mean "fun" socially or taste-wise). But if I had both daily I'd feel like crap and be chasing carbs in a circle. I can't do that.

I Have A Carb-Intolerance

I'm not bipolar, but I feel like it sometimes.

I'm up, I'm down.

I want to run from my husband, I want to run to my husband.

My love for my kids is constant, and bittersweet. Can't they stay babies forever?

I'm having a rough time. Clearly, right?

I'm discouraged, but it is mostly overload. Really concentrating on losing weight (for me) is work. It's all-consuming at times. It's easier on the To Do list to be 300 pounds and not care what goes in your mouth -- better yet, you can consume ENORMOUS amounts of calories and not gain weight. Brilliant! But you're stuck in a cage of fat and distain that doesn't go away.

This is time-consuming, but easier in every other way. There's no way I'm giving up or turning back. I'm just hitting my very first massive roadbump and it's name is Bonita.

Hi.

I talked with my husband about it and he didn't give me the "I love you the way you are" speech. He told me I'd come too far and I'm a New Person. He didn't give me the grace to slide back into a big ball of fat again. He gave me the confidence to move forward, and to not give up.

That's kind of a big deal that I need to marinate on for a bit. Hard to explain and put to words.

----------------------

We got a pizza. I ate it. I want SO bad to really eat it. To snarf a whole piece, bread and all.

But I didn't. I had 3 slices, and ate 1/3 of the crust of one slice.

I gave the dog some of my crust, because he loves pizza crust, and he's as sweet as sugar. I drank some wine. I took a bite of a brownie, chewed it, savored it, and spit it out. Rinsed my mouth. I wondered what kind of freak does that. Oh yeah, I do. 

I really can't eat like everyone else does. I have a carb-intolerance. I know this. Me, eating the way everyone else does, will render me a diabetic/hypoglycemic, fat, and not feeling good. That's not living - not the way I want to live.

This isn't really a "diet" on the whole. It is how it is. Yes, I'll ease up as time goes on and find my happy balance. But right now, eating under 50 net carbs a day is my life. 

It's Just Isn't The Same

My weekend away was so good.

Really, really good.

But I cheated. I had bites of things I shouldn't have (pancakes, sweet desserts, sweet liquor).
I had some french fries. Like... 25 maybe. I didn't feel too great after that, but maybe it was guilt.

I felt bad, or guilty, but I also felt OK about it. I think I needed a little break.

I've been eating very low carb for a while, now. I feel better, but sometimes I feel frustrated.

The friend we stayed with is a great hostess, and she makes lots of yummy things. One of my favorite parts of visiting her is that I would gorge on sweet desserts, and lovely meals - and fun drinks. I enjoy her company more than I care about any of that, but it was always fun to meet up and try her tasty treats.

I'll admit there was some dissatisfaction there for me. Anyone who tells you very low carb isn't boring doesn't like food the way I do. I understand the whole concept of low carb and staying away from trashy carbs, but if you're a foodie, you're cutting out a plethora of deliciousness on a continual basis.

I don't mean the Pintrest, "Add a can of processed this to a can of chemical that, dump 5 pounds of sugar on it and some sprinkles and YUM." I don't miss that crap. But I miss a good beer. A tasty cocktail. An extravagant pancake made with lemon zest and poppy seeds. Maple syrup. I don't think these things should be entirely cut out of a person's diet (or I don't want to think they have to be) for life.

Regardless, I was relatively good. I was careful. But it did zap some of the fun out of it for me. Watching other people enjoy those things isn't as exciting. However, feeling better is worth not going over the deep end (which I feel like I did not do). I compromised, loosened the reigns a little. The hard part of that is getting back on track, whenever I stray. But I've done OK so far.

I did weigh myself today and I was down a pound. I don't think it is anything I did, rather some of the bloat from my period going away. I really hope that scale says 249 again when I hop on it on Wednesday, but I'm not too terribly hopeful.

Between all this, I've been dealing with my Endocrinologist, which has been frustrating. But I'll save that for another entry.

Weigh in: 252 I'm Spent, Tired, Fatigued

I went from 249 to 252.
And part of me doesn't even care.

I mean, I do. I want to lose. My goals are still downward. But.
I'm just tired right now. Fatigued mentally and physically. It's not depressed feelings it is overwhelmed, sick and tired feelings.

I'm going to vent a little. You can go away if you want. I understand.

I'm tired of doing everything. I've talked to my husband until I'm blue in the face about this, but the stress of handling all the bills, all the questions, answers, scheduling - EVERYTHING is slowly eating away at me killing me. I know why he's happy and carefree and I'm the one suffering from depression.

BECAUSE I HAVE TO PAY THE FREAKING BILLS!!!

It's like eating. You have to do it, so it makes you think about it, face it. You can't just ignore it. That would be too easy.

Each month I get to rub two pennies together to make a dime, rob Peter to pay Paul. That's enough. But beyond that I have to meal plan, shop, feed, thinkthinkthink. I'm fatigued, tired, spent. I do all of the thinking for our family. The disciplining, the planning, the organizing.

It's not fair. There are times I wish my depression would render me debilitated instead of functioning (not really obviously), and I wouldn't have to do it anymore. I feel like everyone thinks I'm strong and capable, so everyone just plants everything on my back, figuring I can hold it up.

I can, visibly. Invisibly, I'm breaking on the inside. Fractured, shattered, tiny fibers bursting and deteriorating. I can feel it - have felt it - over the last few years. It really sucks.

Anyway.

Last weekend we went on a trip, and this weekend we're going on a trip. What frustrates me is when I get asked why I'm so frazzled. My husband packs a bag for the trip. I pack everything else. I plan the food, make sure everyone has everything. He just goes and enjoys the trip.

I want to just go and enjoy a trip, for once in my life. I want to be the person that just packs her stuff and goes. Doesn't cook, prepare, think, clean, prep, check, write lists, shop, plan. Plan what to take with, plan what to leave behind for the family. Worry about our checkbook and what it is costing us.

This all probably makes no sense. But it does to me. It makes sense as to why I'm feeling like I'm feeling right now.

Resentful.

It's an ugly, ugly feeling.

------

My weight: I really have nothing much to say about that. It's bee a good but crappy week, and I don't suspect this weekend is going to be much better.

I'm waiting on results for my thyroid from the doctor.
I feel exhausted this past week. I've been running, running, running, and I'm just overwhelmed and exhausted. I have a feeling I'm going to have to do a "restart day" next Monday and lose about 10 additional pounds. Which worries me that I'll never get down to where I want to be for my birthday, which makes me feel even more pathetic, which makes me just want to curl up and sleep for about a month or so.

Woe is me. Did you make it this far?

Somehow I Survived

I'm back from camping. I had a really nice time; it was great to get away.

Only, I'm not feeling well. I don't know if I caught a bug or ate something off. Or... if I'm just worn out and a bit dehydrated. I may never know. My muscles ache and my tummy isn't doing so well.

But I had a really nice time. It was HOT-HOT-HOT the first couple days. I felt like I could never stop sweating. Strangely, I got used to it, though. I tried to stay in the shade as much as possible (I get sun sick). I felt a bit like a pariah at times, while everyone sat in the sun, and I stayed off under the table umbrella.

I didn't swim, either.

My anxiety/self-consciousness made me think that my kids probably thought I was a slug. At one point one of my sons made a comment about me sitting around all day, and I felt a bit bad about it. I don't know if he was joking or not (he said he was), but it made me self-conscious a bit, and kind of hurt my feelings.

I was doing the best I could.

I was cooking for everyone constantly, and hung out in the shade to do it. I didn't swim because it would have been too much work. I had my period, and... just - I find swimming too much work most of the time. There you go.

I don't know how I made it, but I did. I hate heat, I am miserable on my period and the two of those things should have sent me for the nearest hotel. I really am thankful that (somehow) I survived. And enjoyed myself. I wish I could be the kind of person who throws on a bikini/swimsuit, and is in and out of the pool all day, not worrying about drying off, getting dressed all the time. But it just isn't me. Life would be easier if it were, though.

I feel like I'm a very difficult person. Too many phobias, too many hangups.

__________

I weighed myself this morning, non-official, and was UP FOUR POUNDS. I don't think I ate that much at all this weekend, and totally stayed on track with my eating (except I had some drinks). I didn't hike, and wasn't too active, so maybe that's part of it. I don't know. But I don't think that's truly a gain - I'm hoping it is the extra water retention. Either way - I'm a bit nervous for my Wednesday weigh in.

Now, just to get rid of these leg cramps. Ugh. I take magnesium, which is supposed to help, but it doesn't seem to be. I don't know why I have them, but they're annoying.

Challenge Say What?

What was I doing again?

3-Day (Possible 5-day modified) Challenge (calorie cycling again)No drinks (soda or alcohol).Walk 30 minutes a day (minimum 5000 steps on my Fitbit).Track my food.Drink my water.

Oh yeah.

Day 1
I failed on 2 accounts. Minimum steps and water drinkage.

I didn't drink alcohol, I didn't drink soda. I tracked my food the best I could and I think I was under my calories.

But I'm getting my monthly friend. I can feel it because I am slug-like, yet have the cannibalistic desire to snap someone's head off with my own teeth. Check that. I did get my monthly friend, and oh how I hate it. I feel so miserable!

I'm so bummed! We're leaving tomorrow to camp and I have this atrocious thing to deal with. With the PCOS, I can get super heavy "friends" and you can imagine how much fun that would be to deal with in the raging heat and limited facilities. I honestly don't know if I can, really. I don't know what to do.

Today I need to grocery shop, pack, plan - basically do everything, work tomorrow morning, then set sail for the campground.

Overwhelmed is an understatement. Heat indexes are to reach 100 over the next 2 days. There is a heat advisory out. I don't know. It might be worth it to wait a day. Sad.

My challenge will be loose the next couple days. I have so many other things to do, I can't guarantee that I will be able to get my walks in and count all my calories. I'll do my best, but I really feel dragged when I get my period lately. My mom and grandmother had hysterectomies, and sometimes I wish I could just have one. Both of them hemorrhaged, so I worry that it might be what will happen to me, too. This thing really is a curse.

On a good note, I'm glad I weighed in on Monday, since today is a heavy day. Although it was only 1 pound up, so I'm hoping that's a good thing, and maybe by next week the scale will reflect a bit more of a loss. We'll see. Slowly but surely the scale has been moving, and I'll take what I can get.

Now on to balancing my checkbook and planning our meals, ignoring the heat warnings and cramps in my uterus. Wah.

Weigh In: 249

I'm going to go ahead and weigh in today. I kind of don't want to, because I would be all happy to weigh in Wednesday and maybe be down even more - but then I'd be getting greedy. We'll see.

I weighed myself on Friday and I was 249, and I weighed myself today and I was 249, so we'll let it stick and hope it survives through the week.

Which is a concern for a couple reasons:

1.) I'm going camping, and I don't know if that will be good or bad for me food/weigh-wise. It could be good because I'll be more active, but it could be bad because I won't be weighing or logging my foods for about 3 days.

2.) It's almost my time of month, which is a bummer for more than the obvious reasons (weight gain, feeling miserable).

I can't believe I didn't look at the fact that I'd be more than likely getting a period around the time I booked our camping trip with friends. I seriously. Can't. Understand. Myself. I just hope and pray that it isn't a misery period. I apologize for the TMI, but I'm having a slight moment of panic. Camping and periods don't really go in harmony.

Besides that it is going to be hot. Like over 90-degrees hot. I don't like heat.

All these things for me to worry obsessively over, and I will.

But back to my weight - hell-LO?! I made it out of the 250s in July!

My weekend went well - I did good on Saturday. I'm sure I went over calories, and I had a few drinks, but I didn't go hog wild.

Yesterday I "treated" myself to one bite of a pizza. It was a treat, and honestly - it was enough. I didn't expect that at all (for it to be enough).

So this week challenge has been interesting and fruitful. I plan on continuing with the same ideas through Wednesday. I'm happy with the loss. Now I just have to hold it. The next 2 weekends are booked with trips, which I know will make it difficult. But I should be able to manage it.

It is VERY hot here this week, and extremely busy for me. I don't know if I'll be able to get on my longer walks, or to the gym. So I'll have to fit in steps other ways. I'm aiming for 30 minutes per day for the next three days, but it will be a challenge because of my schedule.

3-Day (Possible 5-day modified) Challenge (calorie cycling again)
No drinks (soda or alcohol).
Walk 30 minutes a day (minimum 5000 steps on my Fitbit).
Track my food.
Drink my water.

All of those are important.
While I'm on vacay, I'm just going to stick to my eating plan, move as much as possible, enjoy myself as much as possible (not with foods, but with activities and relaxation).

Above all - I'm going to TRY not to worry about it or sweat it too much. Keep myself accountable, but relax if I can.

One other thing - my scale (the food one) broke. I'd love to say I don't need it, and I don't too much. I pretty much know what a serving size is of the foods I eat. BUT I'm not there yet, and I need it still. The one I've been using is a postal scale. I'll have to see what I can find ASAP.

Challenge Day 5: (I did it!)

No soda/artificially sweetened drinks 

None. It was easier than I thought, too. My main focus was soda. My intake had creeped up significantly. One thing (for me) with soda, and with wine, is that I like it to go with something. I don't ever drink a soda alone - but with pizza? Yum! With a cheeseburger? Delicious! On it's own? No thank you. For me, I eat more with the sodas.

 No alcohol 

I made it through last night. It was easier than I actually thought it would be. In the evening I wasn't even hungry, took a late walk (I hadn't gotten my 20 minutes in). I made a steak, thought about how good some wine would taste with it. But that was all. I had water.

At least 20-minutes of walking each day 

I got this in the last minute. I didn't think I would, but at 9:30, I forced myself. My legs are tired, though.

Log all calories eaten 

Yup. I fell below the 2200 calories again though.

Water intake of 8 8-oz. glasses per day 

Yup. Made the mark.

This has been an interesting week with this challenge. It was hard because I never went out to eat, not once. I didn't have a ton of choices to eat, either. But I had way less cravings. I think the alcohol and the soda lead to cravings and over-eating for me. That is maybe a no-brainer to someone else, but I so much enjoy my cocktailes. But if I swap out a glass of wine for a tea with cream, The calories are negligible - BUT, I tend to just drink the tea and cream with nothing else with it. Wine I always eat with.

I do wonder if the alcohol leads to cravings on the next day, too.

At any rate, I may try this again next week, at least at the beginning when I'm home and not on vacation.

I don't have huge plans this weekend, besides dinner out tonight. I was hoping to head to the gym this morning, but I'm really not feeling it. I really am kind of dragging. I'll work it in on Monday or maybe tomorrow. Today I feel like resting or a gentle walk.

Challenge Day 4

Challenge Day 4:

No soda/artificially sweetened drinks 

Done. Although I've had stevia in my tea and stuff. So maybe I'm a liar. I guess my main objective was the soda, and I've been solid all week.

 No alcohol 

I've been dry all week. Not to say I haven't thought about it. Yesterday I went to let the dog out and the sun was shining, the weather was beautiful, I spied my cozy backyard chair and wanted a gin and tonic in my hand like a heathen. I resisted.

At least 20-minutes of walking each day 

I went for a walk. 30 minutes, I believe. My legs are feeling a little like jelly.

Log all calories eaten 

Again, I was under. About 150 under. I really don't get it. I did pump up my veggie intake something fierce, though yesterday. I pretty much ate a big bowl of broccoli. And I liked it.

Water intake of 8 8-oz. glasses per day 

I killed it yesterday with my water. Well, killed it for me, a dehydrated freak. I think I had more than 9, but once the water splashes over the top of the water tracker, I'm pretty happy.

I'm going to be honest, there's a 50/50 chance that I might break my alcohol fast tonight. I'm going to try not to, and I'm weighing heavier on the "not to" side because I know we're going out to dinner tomorrow and I'm diving headfirst into a vodka martini the moment my fat foot clears the threshold. But tonight I want a backyard fire and a glass of brandy. Wah. Woe is me.

One more day, one more day. I can do it, I can.

Probably. I know I can, it's do I want to? 

I'm pathetic.

We'll see what happens.

I did weigh myself and I lost .4 pounds. Meaning I was 250.6, and now I'm 250.2

I'm not too encouraged. But it's only been 5 days, that I've been calorie-cycling and doing my challenge, and only 2 days since I last weighed myself. I shall have faith and continue, and see what the scale renders me next week.

I'm already contemplating this same challenge next week. My biggest challenge next week is that we have a trip planned and it is REALLY difficult to stay on task when you're vacationing, but even worse to be (trying to) eat low-carb and doing it. OY. 

I hope everyone has a nice Friday. It is gorgeous outside here. The air is off, the windows are open.

Challenge Day 3 - Fatigue

Day 3:
No soda/artificially sweetened drinks Nope. Had none.

 No alcohol Check! Accomplished.

At least 20-minutes of walking each day 30 minute walk outside.

Log all calories eaten Very good. Got them all down, but fell under again. It was supposed to be my BIG 2400 calorie day and I got in 2200. I don't know why when I'm allowed to eat all that I can't/don't. Part of it is simply that I'm eating at home and have been busy and it's been exhausting trying to figure out what to eat. And I wasn't hungry. I didn't think it was important enough to stuff myself for.

Water intake of 8 8-oz. glasses per day I definitely hit my mark with the H20. I've been doing much better in that regard.

Now, onto other stuff - I've had a blah day. Not much energy, tired. Just want to sit in a recliner and watch Netflix. That's all. Nothing more.

It's been kind of a long week with my husband working long hours, trying to get everyone everywhere, put food on the table, do laundry... just life things. Maybe it's caught up to me. Or maybe I'm just having one of those days.

Normally I don't bat an eyelash if I need to run downstairs and grab something, or get up for anything. But I'm tired. I'm wondering if that has anything to do with me taking these daily walks. I mean, normally I do one long walk a week (an hour/3 miles) and then two shorter ones and maybe another one. This week I've done 2 long walks and walks inbetween. So maybe it's that "my body fighting me" thing that the doctor was talking about.

Shall be interesting to see if this cycling renders anything in the weight loss department. I'm also going out to dinner Saturday, and won't be able to track calories as well as I have this week.

I just had a lightbulb moment - I wonder if I've not been eating enough calories. I mean, I feel like I'm eating more, but I also feel like I've been scrap-mealing it all week. Yogurt, cream in tea, smoked salmon, hard boiled eggs... because I've been so diligent on tracking calories, I've been skipping having snacks and pulling in more calories (that maybe I haven't been counting). I just have that run down feeling that I've gotten before. I might need to find more nutrient-dense foods.

Everything takes time. I haven't had a salad this week because I haven't had the freaking time to make one.

In sets my frustration again. Normally I'd reach for a Lean Cuisine, but with my carb-counting, it's not even possible anymore. I will be happy when I'm in maintenance and can add some carbs back in to see where it puts me, but I'm also nervous because I just flat out don't have that reactive hypoglycemia when I'm eating this way, which is a nice bonus.

For me, the carbs are like having a gluten intolerance. I have a carb intolerance. But, like the nutritionist said, we should try to figure out what kind of carb. Maybe I can tolerate vegetable carbs, but not wheat carbs (I wouldn't doubt it - feel SO much better since cutting the wheat out). We'll see.

Right now I want to dive head first back in a bag of Russel Stover Crispy things. I should clarify that it was the small bag, with 5 pieces. Not the whole one. Also, I had so much gas it was embarrassing. Truly.

Weigh In 250

Yesterday I had a moment with my second post of the day. Later that night I contemplated taking it down, but you know what? I feel that way sometimes. It's me.

Last night after eating my bag of sugar free treats, I slept. Then I got up and made dinner. Then I re-read that post. I was feeling better by this time, and it didn't cut into me as badly as it was as I was writing it. But I still felt like I was angry with the world, myself, and I was moody.

The weirdest thing is that I was having issues eating all my calories for the day (2016). I was at 1800 and didn't really want anything. I had some yogurt, and was going to have some tea and cream, but opted out of the tea and cream, brushed my teeth and went to bed.

This morning I weighed in and guess what?!

250

Felt good.

I don't know if it is the lack of alcohol (which seems to bring on munchies for me), or the fact that I've gone #2 (sorry, but not too sorry) recently. Maybe a combination of both. Either way, I'll take it. Maybe this challenge will help me get over my hump a bit.

Day 2:
No soda/artificially sweetened drinks Nope. Had none.

 No alcohol Check! Accomplished.

At least 20-minutes of walking each day Yup. I did a quick 20 minutes walk outside, getting eaten alive by mosquitoes.

Log all calories eaten Check! I clocked in at 1862. That's below the 2016 that I was supposed to hit, though.

Water intake of 8 8-oz. glasses per dayI lost track on this one. Oopsie.

Today is supposed to be my BIG CALORIE day. 2420 calories. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was super nervous about that. After weighing in back where I was today, I'm scared about floating up again. But I'm going to try to hit close to that and not worry too much about it. I also have to decide if I'm getting to the gym or working out at home. My sleep hasn't been so great lately, and I'm kind of tired, but I think I need to hit the gym. Ugh.

Happy Hump Day!

It Must Be Nice To Be Thin And Beautiful

I know I already wrote an entry today. But I have two things to say.

One, I'm just going to put this out there. I can never purchase these Russel Stover Sugar Free Caramel & Crispies ever again. I mean, maybe in emergencies. But the last 2 times I have I've eaten the entire bag in one sitting. The truth of that led me to feeling guilty, which led me to Facebook, which led me to feeling even worse about myself.

Which leads me to my second point. Some people are literally just freaking blessed. Some days I get so frustrated. Like an addict born into a life of pain and constant avoidance. It must be really nice to be thin, and just to have been that way. To slip on a bathing suit and not have to worry about stretch marks, saggy skin, and everything else that comes along with being a lard-o for years. 

To not have to think about food all the time. To eat and enjoy in moderation because you just don't crave it. To be someone that doesn't overdo it constantly, or have to think ahead, plan your meals, count your calories, and say, "no thank you" every second of the day.

It's not just that I'm fat. I'm fat and have issues surrounding it. I have cravings that are akin being a heroin addict, I'm guessing. Although it's easier to attain my drug. I just have to walk 10 feet into the kitchen. I'm forced to cook it, think about it, make it, buy it - on a daily basis.

While I'm having this pity party, I'll take a cherry on top of my sundae. 

I'm good with things. It's something I can't change, but I can manage.

But, really - I hate it. My eating, food, avoidance of food, body issues, body thoughts, jealousies of others - it follows me in a constant manner. It is the thorn in my side that God gave me. I can't imagine how free it would be to not have it. Like someone who was lame their who life and given two healthy legs. Or a blind person who could suddenly see.

That is how being free would feel. I really can't imagine it. I can't imagine how it feels to run around in a bikini and not think about it. To wear short shorts and sleeveless shirts and not think about it. My upper thighs and arms are fleshy, saggy and hideous. No matter what weight I get to, I'll never know that freedom or that comfort.

I'm just making myself angry. But sometimes I really feel cursed.

Week Challenge Day 1

Week Challenge:

Day 1 

No soda/artificially sweetened drinks 
Did good... I did have a Propel because it was hot and we were outside and I really think I'm dehydrated. I'm not going to sweat that one too much.

 No alcohol 
Check! Accomplished.

At least 20-minutes of walking each day 
Yup. Did a 3-mile Walk Away the Pounds video.

Log all calories eaten 
Check! I was under at 1995. I think my total actually came to 2021 for the majority of the days. I re-ran my numbers with zigzag calculator #2 and realized my error was that I ran it for a male instead of female. That's why the calories were so high. Men get all the breaks, I tell ya.

Water intake of 8 8-oz. glasses per day
I did stellar on this one, too.

All in all, I feel pretty good about things. I'm still nervous about eating more calories than I have been, but I'm going to try not to worry about it too much. I'll keep an eye on the scale and adjust if need be.

___________

Last night I ended up eating a bologna sandwich for dinner. Not very exciting, but I had to whip up something for the rest of the family to eat, and it just didn't go with the foods I'm eating. I stared at it for a bit, contemplating eating it, but then I wouldn't have even known how many calories were in it or anything so I just left it alone. Kind of frustrating, but kind of a triumph.

PICK YOUR HARD, right?

My husband mentioned that he wanted to lose weight and I almost floored out. I guess I should have known it was coming. But I have a bit of an "issue" with it. Selfish. We've discussed it. He can lose weight like a champion. He has willpower, no food issues (besides enjoying it). Instead of being inspired, I turn into a 13-year-old girl and want to rip his hair out. I get frustrated, to say the least. Which leads me to hope it was a passing thought - at least for this moment. He's not unhealthy, but could maybe stand to lose a couple pounds. I need to not let my psychotic-ness stand in the way of that.

____________

It's super hot around these parts, and I don't want to skimp on my promise of doing 20 minutes of walking each day this week. We will see what happens, but I do see that as a challenge today. I also see the no drinking part as a challenge, because Tuesday nights are oftentimes our night out. But I will survive.

I Have To Be Intentional

Week Two of July.

Time goes by, and I can't always say "tomorrow." We all know where that gets us. It gets me to looking back thinking, if only I would have kept with it, imagine where I'd be now.

That's where it gets me.

I'm happy to come back to fall in a better place than I was. It's almost been a year since I started making this change. But I'm not happy to let time go by and see things slip back. I have to be intentional. More intentional than I'm being.

This week I'm going to switch things up for myself on my Monday - Friday stretch. With all of the events the past few weeks, and ones to look forward to, I need  "stable" stretch. Here's what I'm challenging myself to this week:

1. No soda/artificially sweetened drinks 
2. No alcohol
3. At least 20-minutes of walking each day
4. Log all calories eaten
5. Water intake of 8 8-oz. glasses per day

All of these I've failed to do on a regular basis. I've had a drink nearly every day. I've had sodas almost each day (often to go with my drinks). I've not logged my calories on a three-day stretch for a few weeks. I've done OK with activities, but not as good as I could.

Not to bash myself, because I've hung in there.

I've made good choices food-wise.

I haven't fallen off the wagon.

But the weight has gone up. I feel bulkier than I did a few weeks ago. We've discussed this.

I'm going to try to get back here each day and update on how I've done, keep myself accountable.

Hope everyone has a great week. Is anyone else working on holding a goal/challenge this week?

I am also donig a zig-zag this week as well. I computed out my calories and mine looks like this:

Zig zag calculator #1

Or zig zag calculator #2:

I've been eating around 1700 calories lately (well, I mean, that's what Spark is set for me to eat). I have both of these set for a 252 pound female who exercises 3x per week. I can't imagine eating 1240 calories ("extreme weight loss" from #1) so that's not going to happen. The second calculator allows say more calories, which is interesting. I don't think I'd be able to lose with those calories eaten. So it confuses me more. But I'm going to try it. God be with me.

252

This is the first +pounds in a while.
Bummer.

I could probably put 254 down, but I refuse to. But I did weigh that the other day. I think some of it has to do with a TMI issue that I have off and on. But since we're friends, and since I don't care since all of this weight loss in itself is pretty much TMI... I have IBS-C (Irritable Bowel Syndrome-Constipation), and it's not been a good time lately. Figure the rest out on your own.

It sucks and is frustrating when it comes to weighing myself sometimes.

But I'm not blaming it all on that, either. It's not been a good month, period. I've been neglectful of eating within my calorie ranges. Consistently. I'm doing it to myself.

Yesterday was 4th of July and I (again) drank too much. Tomorrow we have a celebration to go to, and I'm guessing I'll overeat again. Maybe. We'll see. My indulgence is showing up on the scale, and I don't like it. So maybe I'll be able to be reasonable. I hope so. Even if not - the least I could do is stay within range on the days where there isn't something going on.

One Of Those Mornings - And A Check In On NSV

I didn't have time to weigh myself today properly (meaning naked). It was "one of those mornings" where I got up late, barely had time to shower, make coffee, and do what I needed before work. Thankfully it is also the last day of work for me for FOUR DAYS. And my boss didn't come in today so I was alone in the office. Both of those things helped. I made the decision to skip making coffee and just pick one up on the way.

Good decision.

 Unfortunately I didn't have anything prepared for lunch, so I had to grab some cooked kale, a pre-made shake, and throw some eggs on to boil while I quick showered. The eggs, I found later at work, were not boiled. I put them in the microwave and gagged them down. I knew I would be starving if I didn't.

I'm happy with my weight loss, but I'd be a liar if I didn't say the preparations and thought that goes into it are overwhelming sometimes. But it's a delightful trade off.

So I survived my work day, and I will not think about work for a while. Halleluja!

While I'm stalling, I'll mention a couple things that have happened this month... to motivate and remind myself that scale moving isn't everything.

1.) Again, my wardrobe has expanded by a billion. I'm really (really) really enjoying getting dressed.

2.) A couple of my pants are sagging on me. I have to hike them up all the time and if I ran, they'd fall down.

3.) We went out with friends the other night and my girlfriend couldn't shut up about how great I looked. Truly.

4.) A man told my husband I was (expletive) gorgeous, and he was was bummed that I was married. He was younger than me, too. How nice.

5.) My rings are getting loose.

6.) I bought 2 pairs of exercise pants one size down (22/24). Granted they are forgiving, but still. That wouldn't have happened last year.

That's enough for now. Those are all good. They're great, really. Fantastic, actually.

I feel like I'm turning a bit of a corner, and maybe I just mentally need to hang out here for a bit and enjoy it. It's a bit overwhelming. There's the physical component to this, and then there's the mental.

I'm wondering when my rings will fall off.
I'm wondering when I'll need to ditch my current pants for some smaller ones. I can't WAIT.

I'm so hoping I can shed some pounds this month. I don't know what my goals are, but I definitely want to get below this blasted 250 mark!

Weigh in tomorrow, no matter what.

My Body Is Fighting Me

Hi.

I think in one of the few entries I typed out this month, I mentioned that I'd like to be below 250 before the month's end.

I thought that was possible.

I got cocky, I guess. Or hopeful.

It didn't happen.

In fact, it really didn't happen, and I think I've left this month at the same place as I came in. On one hand that is good. On the other it feels like gaining. In trying to look on the brighter side, this morning I had a thought - maybe I'll reset my "normal" - and it helped me feel a bit better.

Something about hitting a weight and maintaining it for a bit. Maybe it resets the body a bit, and mine will hold this weight as a new normal. Instead of feeling like it has to struggle back to 330, 298, or 265. Those are all places I seemed to stick.

One can hope.

I was at the doctor (endocrinologist), and basically it was a waste of time, but she did say something that made sense. I was telling her how hard it was for me to lose weight, she told me it was hard for everyone to lose weight. I really wanted to slap her and ask her if it's harder for someone who is 150 to go to 130 or 338 to go to 190 - and why some of us are double-people-sized fat, and some never get there, and if there might be something to that. But maybe I'm just sensitive.

She pointed out that I was losing.
I agreed.
I told her how crappy I felt when I was exercising.
She said my body was fighting me tooth and nail (something like that).

Though I still wanted to slap her, I also tried to listen. Because she had a point there. My body was thriving at 300+ pounds, and it is thriving now. When I starve it (that's what my body thinks this all is), it fights back - body and brain - saying, FEED ME, DON'T WORK ME SO HARD - I'M TIRED/IT HURTS!

My body is NOT supposed to cooperate with this. It is fighting me. Holding on to food, telling me to eat more, wanting me to overfill as it is accustomed to.

That made sense. It's an obvious, but it makes sense.

So, yeah, I'll weigh in officially tomorrow, and this morning I was 252, so I expect it to be about the same. It is disappointing. But it doesn't mean I have to stay here. Unfortunately, my "thinness" is starting to wear off. I'm feeling bulgy and fat and a bit uncomfortable. Maybe that's good. I don't want to get too comfortable here. I mean it feels great (in comparison , but it isn't where I want to set up camp for too long.

100 pounds. 100 pounds. 100 pounds. Right around the corner.

PS: Oh. So, I have PCOS. We knew that. She's also ordered some labs for me to do a fasting glucose. Pending that, she'd like me to try the Metformin again. I also saw a nutritionist. We can talk about that another time.